The Way We ____ Now
12

What Does Your Whorephone Say About You?

"The 26-year-old keeps his sex list on Evernote in his iPhone, recording all 41 women he’s slept with, including Ashley, who took his virginity, four Katies and two Sarahs. He says he frequently looks back on it to analyze how he’s grown and changed as a person."

0

Lieutenant Governor Liked, But Is He Well-Liked?

"Most political observers gave the sober Duffy good marks for his lieutenant governorshipdom, but he still only has 1,500 followers on Twitter compared to Gov. Cuomo’s 116,000."

0

Wealthy Jews Celebrate Passover By Embracing Worst Anti-Semitic Stereotypes

"New on the Passover scene is Joey Allaham, who has reserved all the rooms at the St. Regis Monarch Beach near Laguna Beach, Calif. Not to be outdone by musical acts, he has been attracting attention with his sports-themed offerings—some of which allow guests to hobnob with famous athletes. Mr. Allaham, who operates upscale kosher restaurants in New York, has created a Passover football field that will host stars such as National Football League player Mark Sanchez of the Philadelphia Eagles. For children, Mr. Allaham has arranged for dairy cows to come each morning so children can [...]

1

TV Y U NO COMFORT ANYMOAR?

"There's this fear that you're missing out on something. You hear people raving about 'The Walking Dead,' or some other show, and you feel like you're not in the know. Even if you really love TV, you can't help but think that there's already too much of it and it's not going to stop. There's also the anxiety that comes with your bloated cable bill, or the cost of all the services you subscribe to, like Netflix or Hulu. My god, if Twitter starts making its own shows, I'll [...]

1

Girl Scout Cookie Sales Is Really About Storytelling

"People want to buy from a top salesgirl, she says, because they assume a successful person knows what she's doing: 'And if you explain your goal, people want to help you reach your goal.' She preempts objections from the dieting crowd by offering to donate their orders to troops overseas, and she ends with what her father taught her is a classic presumptive close: 'This year, five boxes only cost $20. Can I help you pick out your five?' 'People smirk because it's cute,' she says." One of New York City's leading Girl Scout cookies salespersons reveals her secrets.

3

"This group is advocating for a Trader Joe's"

"We are witnessing the loss of many neighborhood services, like grocery stores and laundromats, throughout New York. WE ALREADY HAVE A CHASE BRANCH AND A DUANE READE…" WHAT DO WE WANT?

1

Why Aren't We Microwaving As Many Things As We Used To? The Answer Contains Two Seemingly Contradictory Reasons That Go Right To The Heart Of The American Character.

"Americans are at once too patient and too lazy to use their microwaves these days."

13

The Life and Times of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When Caroline Eisenmann, a young assistant at a New York literary agency, decided to rename her OkCupid profile, she wanted something that would make her stand out—a name that wouldn’t get lost amongst the omnipresent references to indie bands and cute animals, something that was “flippant” but with “a bit of a melancholic undertone” that would attract a suitably urbane mate, Eisenmann told me. Fingers poised over the keyboard, she wrote:

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

OkCupid rejected it. That it wouldn't accept the lopsided, grinning face with upturned palms is almost strange: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ is, and was, part of the language of the internet, and it has been popping up more than [...]

2

Nobody Gets Enough Sleep, Okay?

Yeah, listen up, hectoring Englishman: Everyone is sleep deprived. We live in a world of shiny devices flashing bright lights at us twenty-four hours a day. We are constantly being buzzed at on the phones we carry around with us like security blankets by inconsiderate friends or employers. Our background noise is rich women calling each other effing b's on the giant television screens we always have running to drown out the oppressive sounds of silence. Even our chewing gum has caffeine in it. So yes, we're all tired. Don't try to make us feel like shit because maybe we miss a couple of things on your stupid observation [...]

3

Instagram-Having Dog's Owner Not Ready For Finalty, Logistical Challenges Of Child-Rearing Yet

“Dogs are better! Look at Toliver! He’s great, except he snores a lot. He even has his own Instagram. A dog is easier to transport than a child. It’s less final than having a child.” —"More young women choosing dogs over motherhood"

2

Both Ways Had

I suppose the only question I have left is whether or not deliberately quoting "a bearded, tattoo-covered 30-year-old who lives in East Williamsburg and sells $400 Japanese raw denim jeans for a living" provides enough of a knowing wink to offer inoculation against the cries of "trollery" you are so brazenly eliciting. I mean, it's a neat trick if it does, I guess.

0

How Can We Pretend We're Paying Attention Faster?

"[S]kimmers and speed-readers did much worse at answering comprehension questions afterward, especially ones about specifics or technical material," but nobody has anything super-valuable to say anymore anyway so it doesn't really make a difference how much of it you retain; why not get yourself an app that will help you "read" more quickly? The odds are that anything flashing by you on a screen will be for the most part ignored and even more importantly ignorable so whatever helps you breeze through the barrage of verbiage at this point is probably worth it. If you can just [...]

3

Wait, You Have A Lot Going On In Your Life Too?

I am of the opinion that pretty much everything we do is in service of the delusion that our lives have meaning and that the stuff that we spend so much time worrying and complaining about actually matters when deep down we know that it's all empty and futile, a grand charade we perpetuate in order to distract ourselves from the certainty of death, so I am the natural audience for anything that argues that people who constantly broadcast just how busy their enormously complicated, task-heavy lives keep them [...]

0

Is There Actually Still Grunge Music In Today's Seattle?

"At Melbourne High School on the Atlantic coast in Florida, veteran theater director Rodney Savickis struck a deal with a local Starbucks to help sponsor an April production of 'Romeo and Juliet' set to grunge music in today's Seattle, with the Capulets led by the CEO of Starbucks and the Montagues by the CEO of Microsoft. 'Romeo is kind of a computer geek,' and Juliet an 'earthy, crunchy granola type,' Mr. Savickis says. The local Starbucks plans to donate cups, coffee, pastries and some baristas to sell food at intermission and after the show. Proceeds will go to the school, [...]

5

Gentry Horny

"Sometimes it’s hard for poly people to find housing where’s there’s no judgments," said Leon Feingold, the realtor showing the property. 'Where people aren’t always asking them to keep the noise down, or 'who are these people that are visiting you?' and 'why don’t you have a normal boyfriend like everyone else?'"—Bushwick's new exclusively polyamorous residential property is looking for tenants.

4

Enjoy Your New Era Of Internet-Enabled Intimacy While It Lasts, Because The Psychos Are Going To Show Up Pretty Soon

"We are hopping into strangers’ cars (Lyft, Sidecar, Uber), welcoming them into our spare rooms (Airbnb), dropping our dogs off at their houses (DogVacay, Rover), and eating food in their dining rooms (Feastly). We are letting them rent our cars (RelayRides, Getaround), our boats (Boatbound), our houses (HomeAway), and our power tools (Zilok). We are entrusting complete strangers with our most valuable possessions, our personal experiences—and our very lives. [...]

0

Asses At Rest Tend To Stay At Rest: Study

"[M]ost of us don’t tweet or post at all while we’re plopped in front of the tube. When we do, half the time we’re talking about something other than TV. And social media conversation is far weaker than traditional factors, like TV commercials for new shows or our sheer laziness in changing channels, in prompting us to tune into each season’s new offerings."

3

What's Your Excuse For Being The Worst?

"With work and home lives more intertwined than ever, some people are trying to maintain a clear line between the two by carrying two cellphones."

3

Words Fail

"Across mobile, and especially in iOS, people use emojis to express deep and complicated emotions. But the lack of diversity in the human-related emojis makes it hard to accurately represent life through these pictograms."

2

Our Lives In The Post-CD Music Economy

"Mr. Gunn is neither a DJ nor a computer programmer. From his studio apartment in New York, the 32-year-old musician does a job that essentially didn't exist a few years ago. Music "curators" make mixes that serve not just as primers on broad genres or eras, but as soundtracks for increasingly narrow slices of the human experience, from romantic heartbreak to a bad day at the office. Professional playlist makers are suddenly in demand as the post-CD music economy reshapes itself."