The War Against Birds
3

Our Hawaiian President Winning War On Birds

Finally, our president has taken the battle home in our long war against birds. So long, eagles and hawks! Get stuffed! (If they can still stuff the twisted half-carcasses—more than half a million a year!—that remain after our wind turbines do their work.) MAKE LIKE THE BEES AND DROP DEAD.

Oh man, this total environmental collapse is going to be awesome!

10

Killer Geese Population "Exploding"! Man Losing War Against Tasty Birds

The war on birds has been, let's face it, going poorly for some time now. Our bird gas chambers are not quite doing the trick. But! One man dares to fight on: Lee Humberg. Humberg’s ideas about managing urban wildlife are thoughtful and nuanced, but they might have a hard time getting through. In the summer of 2009, his team removed 1,235 geese. Last year, the radius of goose-capture sites was increased from five miles to seven, and the culling total grew to 1,676. He won’t predict how many geese will be removed this year, but whatever the final tally, the culling will likely take place [...]

5

Raptor Escapes Captor: We're Losing the War Against Birds

"This is the greatest thing I have ever seen." —And that's coming from a person who has seen a lot of professional hockey games that start with a huge Andean condor (wingspan: 10 feet!) being led out onto the ice in the middle of Rabobank Arena as a mascot for the Bakersfield Condors.

5

It's War! Birds Now 40% Angrier, More Likely to Attack Planes

It's been some time since we've brought you news on our endless war against the birds, but today is huge. When last we checked in, the plan was to basically kill all of the birds around airports, but that hasn't worked! Mostly probably because birds aren't fairly mobile. New news! Birds are more likely to attack than ever: "The number of severe bird strikes suffered by airline flights above 500 feet reached a new high of 150 in 2009, the federal data show. That represents a 40% increase in the rate of bird strikes compared with the average from 2000 through 2008. The trend continued last year, [...]

3

Architects Our Last Loyal Allies in the War Against Birds

"I don’t know of any architects out there who want to kill birds." Oh, they do, with their great glass facades and alluring skyscrapers. They just won't admit it in public, because of America's strident bird sympathizers in our long war against our avian enemies. For now, New York City remains a bird death mill in which we slaughter 90,000 evil birds each year. It's a good beginning. But we won't truly be safe until we kill ALL the birds. Just remember: for every bird we nab with our attractive see-through buildings, two more birds circle our airports, desperate to crawl inside our jet engines.