"The White House made the case on Thursday that cutting off unemployment benefits would actually result in hundreds of thousands of more unemployed Americans." Ooh, hundreds of thousands? That's all you've got to scare Republicans into extending unemployment? Nice try! I mean, only 40 million people benefitted from unemployment since December 2007. (That's 14 million recipients, plus their households.) Besides, last week 436,000 applied for unemployment. Which is actually not far off from the two-year low! So what's a few hundred thousand more unemployed people?

How unexpected, that unemployment insurance prevented the U.S. from having the highest poverty rate since the 1960s! May we point out: only barely. 2009's poverty rate: 14.3%. (History: 2007: 12.5%. 2000: 11.3%. 1983: 15.2%. 1973: 11.1%. 1964: 19%.) And that's still after we moved a big chunk of older people out of poverty with OUR INTERFERING BIG GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS. Now we just keep young people poor. (And food-insecure.)

When you walk into Chipotle, don’t look ashamed or frightened. You’re eating some righteous food, so own up to it. Stride purposely to the first stop at the Chipotle station and in a commanding voice say: “I’ll have a burrito with black beans and steak.”

Other appropriate orders: barbacoa and steak mix or just barbacoa. To paraphrase Anthony Bourdain for a second (who wouldn’t be caught dead in Chipotle), chicken is for people who don’t know what they want.

Also, if you decide to order a burrito bowl, or God forbid, the tacos, then you need to reevaluate where you’re getting your meal. This isn’t some namby-pamby Taco [...]