The Moon

Another Cold War Disappointment

"It may sound like a plot straight out of a science fiction novel, but a U.S. mission to blow up the moon with a nuke was very real in the 1950s. At the height of the space race, the U.S. considered detonating an atom bomb on the moon as a display of America's Cold War muscle."


Don't Pay Attention To The Moon This Weekend

This Saturday, at 11:34 PM, the moon is going to be all, "Hey, look at me, I'm so big! Come on, look at me!" I suggest we all stay indoors and ignore it, hurting its feelings so badly that it never comes by again. Suck it, stupid moon! Nobody cares about you!


Here's Another Thing To Blame The Moon For

"A century after the Titanic disaster, scientists have found an unexpected culprit of the crash: the moon." This is something of a quandary for me, because I also hate the Titanic, but I hate the stupid moon even more. So, DAMN YOU MOON! You made the old lady throw it into the ocean at the end! Etc.


Misguided Science Types Somehow Convinced Moon Worth Preserving

Oh, by all means, let's try and preserve all the VALUABLE HISTORY on the moon. It's SO IMPORTANT that all the footprints and garbage we left up there on previous visits remain intact. Lord knows the moon can't do anything for itself, because it's so USELESS. Ugh, stupid moon! Don't you know it's not going to make a difference once we finally come to our senses and blow you into little tiny chunks of utter worthlessness?


What's The Deal With Moon Doody?

What happened to the doody that astronauts left on the moon? NASA wants to know. So do I! Hopefully it became some kind of genetically-altered doody monster whose sole mission is to eat the moon piece by piece until it disappears completely. But enough about my dreams.


New Pictures From Moon Prove Once Again That You Can't Take People Anywhere

Look at all that trash the Apollo 17 astronauts left on the moon. (Seriously, look. Nasa's Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter recently zoomed down to 25 kilometers above the surface, and the pictures it has sent back are amazing.) You can see the shape of the moon buggy and everything, just sitting out there to rust like on some American's front yard.


Credulous Observers Give The Moon What It Wants

So, despite our advice, you just couldn't help yourself. You HAD TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE MOON THIS WEEKEND, didn't you? Even NASA got in on the act. I am sorely disappointed with all of you, but particularly NY1 mainstay Pat Kiernan, who put aside his initial skepticism and helped validate the satellite's attention-seeking ways. Bad show, everyone.


Russia Must Suck If The Moon Is The Only Alternative

Russia wants to build a permanent base on the moon, which is mostly indicative of what a terrible hellhole Russia is.


"Cuomo, Admitting Setbacks, Says He Asked for the Moon"

Ask for something stupid, get something stupid. STUPID MOON. YOU'RE WELCOME TO IT.


Moon Ugly

Click here if you want to see a photo of an ugly, useless bunch of rock that loiters about our orbit hoping to be noticed even though it DESERVES NOTHING BUT SCORN. And here it is trying to look deep and soulful. IT'S NOT WORKING, you pretentious piece of junk.


Moon Useless

Hahahaha, suck it, moon! Even your supposedly unique minerals can be found right here on earth! What are you good for, moon? Apart from mockery, NOTHING!


Very Rich Person Also Wants To Annihilate The Moon

Will billionaire Naveen Jain be the person to finally make my dream of destroying the moon come true? One can only hope.


The Moon Has Been Hiding Water From Us For Who Knows How Long

I've always kind of liked the moon. And have felt an instinct toward protection when friends and colleagues have attacked her in print. What did the moon ever do to us, I thought, except look pretty and give us tides to surf on and write nice faux-reggae songs about? Well, it turns out that the less credulous among us may have been right not to trust her seductive blue glow after all. The moon has been holding out on us for years, hoarding vast supplies of valuable water beneath her apparently dry, desert-like surface. Scientists started to suspect something was up recently. But now, new [...]


Ignore The Moon This Weekend, It Is Just Desperate For Attention

Okay, listen up, moon, I don't like you and you don't like me. So when I hear that you're going to be at your fullest and closest this weekend I know what it's all about: revenge. You're obviously still pissed off about that thing where we tried to blow you up. You're going to sit there, looking close enough to touch, but actually "some 211,600 miles (356,577 km) away." You want me to think I can finally take a swing at you and look ridiculous as I flail about because you're actually hiding safely away in space like the gigantic pussy you are. Forget it, I'm not [...]


Stupid Moon Gets Stupid Slideshow

You're dead to me, Talking Points Memo. I mean, I understand that all the action is in slideshows these days, but I cannot abide your celebration of the latest lunar idiocy. Good day.


Watch The Moon Take It In The Pole

"From year to year, the moon never seems to change. Craters and other formations appear to be permanent now, but the moon didn't always look like this. Thanks to NASA's Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter, we now have a better look at some of the moon's history." Hahahah, yes, NASA is pretending that this is about education, but we know that they hate the moon as much as all right-thinking people do and they probably took a great deal of joy in putting together this video of the moon getting assaulted by space. I'm gonna be so useless for the rest of the day. TAKE IT ALL, MOON.


Yes, Let's Make The Moon Part Of America

As someone with a very serious interest in seeing Newt Gingrich at the top of the Republican ticket, I was initially disheartened by his recent promise to put an American base on the moon that would eventually become a state. The idea that the moon—a giant piece of space garbage which even Science has admitted is completely worthless—might get itself two (no doubt obstructionist) Senators and a representative in the House is almost too much to take, because it is the moon. It deserves nothing but scorn and pillage. But then I remembered that Republican industrial and environmental policies are essentially designed to promote exploitation and decay, [...]


Moon Pics

Here are a series of pictures in which people appear to be doing things to the moon. Sadly, none of those things are pounding it in the dark side with such ferocity and single-minded intensity that it crumples into a corner and begs for more because it has finally realized that you are right about it being a totally worthless satellite that is not even good enough for reflective light purposes and it can only find any degree of validation and self-esteem through your firm and vigorous ministrations. But the one where it looks like someone is playing basketball with it is pretty cool. [Via]


It's Time To Mine The Moon

Now I know some of you are not on board with my crusade against the moon. "I like the moon," you say. "It's pretty," you protest. "What about the tides," you implore. Well, screw the tides and screw the moon, because we have just learned something very important that will change your view of that useless satellite orbiting roughly 221,463 miles from the infinitely superior Earth. It seems the moon has been holding out on us. That's right, the moon is loaded with precious, precious titanium ore.


I Can't Believe They Want to Mine the Moon

In the great story of the privatization of all Americans services industries, we tend to pay more attention to things like health care and prisons. But a bit more than a year ago, the administration began budgeting to privatize space flight: "Obama’s plan calls for funneling money to private companies that are jockeying for NASA contracts," is how that was described. And now here they are, getting their cash: six companies have gotten $30 million each, including new startup "Moon Express," which apparently wants to help people go mine the moon. They basically think they can go dig platinum out of the moon, and I feel [...]