The Hairpin
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How To Order A Shake

I work in a co-working space. (For all of you who ask me what that is,  I say, "a co-working space is a place where you pay a few hundred dollars a month to share an office space with people, and also, how are you such a genius that you have thus far managed to avoid reading the annoying publications in which you would have learned this annoying term?") In said co-working space, I share a small room with two other writers. We have recently taken to calling our little room The Suicide Suite, because off of it is a beautiful balcony on which we are prohibited from standing [...]

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A Conversation With Philomena Lee

In the ‘50s, Philomena Lee became pregnant outside of marriage at the age of 18. She was sent to an Irish convent to have her baby, and after that, worked off her expenses in the laundry, permitted to see her child for an hour each day. Against her will and as part of a large and secretive program of forced adoption, the nuns gave her young son away when he was three years old. Philomena was able to track down her son—a successful lawyer and former chief legal counsel to the RNC—only after his death. Her search is the subject of the movie Philomena, starring Judi [...]

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Adventures With UPS Man

N.B.: My beloved UPS Man is very good at his job and represents his company very well and he brings me things and I love him.

I have a very special, very intense, very secret, very unrequited and ongoing relationship with the very attractive UPS Man who brings me packages nearly every day. I love UPS Man most during the spring and summer when he wears his brown polyester shorts and he speeds up the hill toward my building, music blaring—often classic rock. When he steps out, his thigh muscles flex and I think, “What can brown do for you?”

I have many answers to that question. Most of said [...]

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The Engagement Phone Cover And The Wedding-Industrial Complex

The wedding industrial complex is not without its detractors: Jezebel has entire category devoted to deriding it (recent headline: “Strapless Wedding Dresses, We Are On to Your Bullshit”); Rebecca Mead wrote a bestselling book, One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding about it; and dozens of websites (including Offbeat Bride, A Practical Wedding, and the now-defunct Indiebride) offer alternative—and significantly less expensive—routes to wedded bliss.

But the pull is strong. The more people have elaborate weddings, the more pressure for others to have similarly elaborate weddings—pressure applied by friends, mothers, mother-in-laws, and even groomsmen as they become accustomed to a certain [...]

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The Love Story Of Michelle Rodriguez And Cara Delevingne

 All text taken from Daily Mail captions. 

Part 1: The Knicks Game

Cara studied her facial expression Stay alert.

Open-mouthed. Sporty: she wore a black leather jacket and expressed her allegiance to her team. Michelle seemed to be trying to tell Cara something Stay alert. Open-mouthed

Michelle seemed amazed by something else Michelle really struggled to even keep her head up Basketball fan. Michelle decided to recline during the game

Getting close or desperate for attention? Chill out. Are you ok? Stay alert.

Cara and Michelle seemed to be struggling to maintain eye contact with each other As Cara blew [...]

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Lord Help Us, We Just Can't Help Loving The Heck Out Of Some Singing Nuns

Last week, Ursuline nun Cristina Scuccia bopped across the set of Italy’s The Voice—her black habit flying and her rather large cross looking a bit like bling—and belted out a pretty convincing rendition of Alicia Keys’ “No One.” Her performance garnered a couple million hits on YouTube and has probably been e-mailed to you by your very nice, Hail-Mary-ing, Internet-capable great-aunt by now. But if not, here you go:

Anyone who has ever watched reality singing shows should have recognized the Susan Boylesque aesthetic. First, we had the close up of Scuccia’s sensible black sneakers (how unlike a pop star!); then a shot of three [...]

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Signs I Want You To Leave My House After I've Hosted You for Dinner

I'm vacuuming.

I haven't smiled since the chive blinis with creme fraiche*.

I haven't refilled your wineglass for the last hour and when you ask me for some water I say, "No."

I've shared with you the main tenets of Chinese Ancient Wisdom for Healthy Sleep, which prescribes one to be asleep by 10 o'clock to maximize the repair of energetic organs.

I excuse myself to take a shower.

When my husband suggests we get out the good whiskey, I slap him upside the head.

After I come out of the shower, I'm in my bathrobe and refuse to look you in the eyes.

When you speak to me, I [...]

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My Roller Rink Sexual Awakening

When I was thirteen, I participated in an after-school activity ambiguously—and generously—named “Lifetime Sports.” At my North Carolina private school, a place particularly dedicated to social hierarchy, your position on a team was determined as much by popularity as athletic ability, and as I was fundamentally lacking in both coolness and hand-eye coordination, I thought I might as well try life-sporting. Participation would involve periodic trips to a local roller rink.

This was 1998, when roller rinks were just becoming passé. My friends no longer held their birthday parties at the local rinks, and, generally, they smelled kind of funny (the roller rinks, that is). But the activity seemed [...]

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How to Change Your Password: A Heartbleed Guide

Millions of passwords, credit card numbers and other personal information may be at risk as a result of a major breakdown in Internet security revealed earlier this week.

The damage caused by the "Heartbleed" bug is currently unknown. The security hole exists on a vast number of the Internet's Web servers and went undetected for more than two years. While it's conceivable that the flaw was never discovered by hackers, it's nearly impossible to tell. -The AP

Here is a foolproof guide to changing your personal passwords during this crisis.

MATT DAMON

Imagine you're lying in a meadow and Matt Damon is shirtless next to you. He smells [...]

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Notes On Notes To Boys: A Conversation With Pamela Ribon

In Pamela Ribon’s recent, very funny, moving memoir, Notes to Boys: And Other Things I Shouldn't Share in Public, the author looks back at her many teenaged letters to her crushes, examining them from her current-day vantage point. I really loved it (so much that I included it here), and as a lifelong journal keeper with my own history of cringeworthy meanderings, wanted to know more about what inspired Ribon to examine her younger self in this way — and what she learned about not only “Little Pam” but also Current Pam, and writing itself, through the course of creating the book. Luckily, she was kind enough to answer [...]

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Books By Women To Read In April

There are quite a lot of good books currently out, and it comes as no surprise that quite a lot of them are by ladies (no offense to men, who we hear can also write very fine books when they put their minds to it). As for our list, which you will find below, there is something for nearly everyone: Y.A., short stories, essay collections, novels, nonfiction, books you might have read a long time ago and probably should read again in their updated states now—they are here. If we missed a book you have been reading and loving that’s out now (or will be very soon), please share it [...]

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Bill Murray And Me

The first time I met Bill Murray, I was 18 years old and wearing a miserable brown ensemble.

The garments belonged to my mother, and for unknown reasons I had filched them to add to my own wardrobe in New York: a chocolate, polyester blouse, light-washed jeans, and mahogany, backless loafers in the style of re-imagined Mary Janes. I had just moved to the city for college and the independent film I interned for consisted of a tidy editorial crew (Editor, Assistant Editor, and me.) Rather than cool clothes, I outfitted myself with that spirited, blind alacrity only youth affords. I was thrilled to work on a real film—in the [...]

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I Was Wrong About The Grateful Dead

On August 9th, 1995, Jerry Garcia died, and I was on vacation with my new stepfamily in Provincetown, Cape Cod. It was the summer before eighth grade, probably the apex of my awkward period: oversize t-shirts, assorted yin-yang jewelry, a relentlessly troublesome T-zone.

The mourning Deadhead vibes were surely low-key in P-Town that August when compared to, say, San Francisco or Burlington, VT, but I nonetheless found the avalanche of dead-Jerry merch overwhelming. His lion’s mane silhouette was everywhere, along with the drugged-out anthropomorphic rainbow animals and threadbare lyrics about the long strange trip. I had only the vaguest notion of the music itself, but I was certain, thanks to [...]

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The Foursquare of Booty

"It's full of paper here," said Matteo Bormetti, speaking of the layers of flyers and posters covering every vertical surface around the Austin Convention Center during South by Southwest. Bormetti and his business partner Matteo Sarzana were in town from Milan to promote their mobile site, nipple.io, which is designed to track and quantify users’ sexual experiences. "We have to do something special, something strange, to take the attention of the people."

For Nipple, that something special is large, bright pink posters. One shows a Fitbit-wearing penis and says, "You quantify everything, start quantifying your sex!" On another is a vulva with a beer bottle pointing toward it. It reads, [...]

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The Women Of 'Game Of Thrones'

Cersei Lannister is a dangerous woman. She is the wicked queen of HBO’s super series Game of Thrones, the would-be power behind the Iron Throne. She is bold, ambitious, and ruthless, and she operates at the heart of power, yet she is locked out by her gender. Cersei seeks to control the driving political narrative of the show, masterminding the death of her husband (the King) and installing her son as ruler in his place with the hope of commanding things herself from the sidelines. But it’s not as easy as all that. If you’re a woman.

She's not the only one left out, of course, even in the ruling [...]

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What It's Like to Live in Daytona Beach

Daytona Beach moves in waves, like purple against the sea, airbrushed angels and what looks like Marilyn Monroe done up in Bedazzled cotton with denim tassels, as if to say Welcome, I’m some type of mermaid, nothing matters.

A bunch of guys with UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA shirts pound their chasers back. A volleyball hits the deck. I’ve got sand in my teeth. Something is thumping somewhere, but gets silenced the farther you get from the beachside bar, silenced by the boom of waves and the deep of the ocean horizon, a guttural clurng that you can imagine would eat steel and oar right up.

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Bus route [...]

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Travelogues, Then And Now

London, spring semester abroad, Day 3, 1997: Things that are different from my hometown of Honolulu: Only 4 channels—all lame. Alcohol at every meal. Employees can smoke in the store, don’t have to be nice. Spice Girl stuff EVERYWHERE. Tapes and CDs cost the same in pounds and in dollars. KFC has no mash or biscuits. “Kleenex for Men.”

Nashville, fall getaway, Day 3, 2013: Things that are different from my current home of Brooklyn: Biscuits all day, every day, bring it. Near-empty freeways. No longer feel urge to change the radio station when a country song comes on. More old people than people my own age on vacation, drinking [...]

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The Depressed Woman's Lifestyle Magazine

Are You a BLAH Girl? Take Our Quiz and Find Out! Pick the phrase that best describes how you feel about yourself on a typical day:

a) My 12-year-old self would be disappointed b) Mayor of Crap Town c) Have lost all connection with self, am dry husk d) This isn’t a good time

Getting Out of Bed

What fresh hell is this? Oh, daytime. Is there a point? Well, can you still feel the crushing weight of existential dread pressing down, forcing the air from your lungs until each breath is more shallow and desperate? Yes?

Congratulations, there is no point. Hit the snooze button just right [...]

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Four Months Alone on the Pacific Crest Trail

Myla Fay is a 25-year-old woman who recently hiked 2100 miles alone. This summer, she plans to hike the Continental Divide Trail, all the way from Mexico to Canada.

How did you get into long-distance hiking?

I grew up in Maine and spent a lot of time outside, and when I was a kid, we went up to Blue Hill every summer to hike and swim, camping in Baxter State Park and backpacking in the White Mountains. And in high school I did some incredible trips with the Chewonki Foundation: one was a 400-mile white-water canoe trip that ended in the tiny Inuit village of Kangiqsualujjuaq in northern Quebec. I [...]

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Adventures With Gym Man