The Great Planetary Die-Off
7

A Million Redondo Beach Sardines Are Gone Gone

Late afternoon, what is that smell? We just had the quarrel that sent you away. I was looking for you, are you gone gone?

9

Birds And Fish Continue To Die

The End of the World is still on!

Thousands of gizzard shad fish have been washed up on Chicago's harbours while over one hundred dead birds have been found clustered on a Californian highway. The two instances appear to be a continuation of the strange mass animal deaths that have struck in the past fortnight – in America and elsewhere.

This article almost immediately undercuts its own fearmongering in the next paragraph, where a helpful expert suggests that this is not at all mysterious, but, you know, where's the fun in that? ALL THE ANIMALS ARE DYING! Are we next? I'm gonna go with "yes." I mean, it's [...]

5

Bird Songs For The Apocalypse (Or, The Last Mixtape Any Of Us Will Ever Listen To)

I guess it shouldn't come as any surprise that a list of rock songs with the word "bird" in the title would be a list of great songs. After all, birds fly (or, well, they used to) and rock stars like to pretend to fly by using drugs and airplanes. Anyway, with the recent planetary news, birds are on the brain. It's not hard to connect the dots (though it is very hard to do so as wonderfully as some other people do): the world needs a soundtrack to end to. And, actually, we could do worse.

9

Things Continue To Die!

I don't know, Daily Mail reporter. I DON'T KNOW.

4

More Dead Birds (Again)

"Thousands of dead turtle doves rained down on roofs and cars in an Italian town in the latest in a growing spate of mass animal deaths across the globe. Residents in Faenza described the birds falling to the ground like 'little Christmas balls' with strange blue stains on their beaks." But, you know, not to worry.

1

Where The Dying Is Happening

View Mass Animal Deaths in a larger map Having a hard time keeping track of the Great Planetary Die-Off? Good news! This handy map will help you stay current on all of the signs of the forthcoming apocalypse. But what does it all mean? Here are some possible answers. [Via]

11

What's Killing The Birds? Too Much Fun

"Residents of Constanta in eastern Romania found dozens of dead starlings on the outskirts of the city on Saturday. They alerted authorities, fearing the birds had died from avian flu. But local veterinary officials decided the starlings had died after eating grape 'marc'—the leftovers from the wine-making process. The head of the local sanitary and veterinary authority, Dvsva, told news agency Agerpres that analysis of the starlings' gizzards showed they had died from alcohol poisoning." —Killing birds: fireworks, car crashes, alcohol. It's not divine retribution. The birds are just American teenagers.

4

Destroyer, "Kaputt" And Why Everything's Fine With The Birds And The Environment And Stuff

Okay. It's been fun (is that the right word?) getting all hysterical about the great planetary die-off this week. (Sure, yes, "fun" is right.) But, really, everything's going to be okay.

7

Now The Crabs Are Dying

And there's more: "Thousands of dead crabs have washed up along the Kent coast, with environmental experts believing the cold weather in Britain is to blame. The Velvet swimming crabs – also called devil crabs – are thought to be victims of Britain's coldest December in 120 years, which left sea temperatures much lower than average. More than 40,000 of the crabs – Britain's largest swimming crab – are littering beaches around Thanet, along with smaller numbers of whelks, sponges and anemones."