Skip ahead to about the 2:00 mark to see last night's lunar eclipse. It is INCREDIBLY LAME, and do you want to know why? Because it's THE FUCKING MOON. Of course it's going to be lame. Can you think of anything more boring than the goddamn moon? Of course not. I hope you get pelted by a non-stop barrage of asteroids until you beg for mercy, moon! Fuck you and your family. Also, it is now officially winter. Bah.
"This is a once in a lifetime event," said some scientist on the 'Today Show' this morning. "How often do we hit the moon?" NOT OFTEN ENOUGH, if these INCREDIBLY UNFULFILLING IMAGES are anything to go by. Where are the explosions? Where is the destruction? The moon is probably LAUGHING AT OUR IMPOTENT RAGE RIGHT NOW. I can hear its smirking, dismissive tone: "You call yourself a planet? That's the best you can do? I've had harder impacts from junk I picked up off the galaxy. Nice try." DAMN YOU, NASA, you've played us all for fools once more.
We weren't able to blow it up, but at least the moon—that crap-ass satellite that wastes valuable space in the sky and brings irritability and outright craziness everywhere it goes (THAT'S RIGHT, MOON, I AM CALLING YOU OUT! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? OH, JUST SIT THERE SILENTLY IN THE COSMOS LIKE THE BIG DUMB HUNK OF ROCK THAT YOU ARE? I THOUGHT SO. FUCK YOU, MOON!)—will experience a lunar eclipse tonight, so for a very short period of time (at approximately 2:41 a.m., they say) we can pretend that it doesn't exist. It is absolutely worth setting your alarm so that you can get [...]
A gentle reminder: Tomorrow morning, at about 7:30 Eastern, we are going to take our giant space cockbomb and FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF THE MOON. Set your alarms!
Even though I am a confirmed moon-hater—and seriously, FUCK YOU, MOON! I hope someone sticks a giant space spear inside you and splits you into tiny stupid moon pieces—I have to admit that these images taken by Chinese rocket Chang'E 2 are kind of cool. Not cool enough to make me HATE THE FUCKING MOON any less, but still, worth passing on. This one shows the "second luanr orbit trim maneuver, an event witnessed by an engineering camera. Before the maneuver starts, the spacecraft executes a sequence of controlled turns, causing the Moon to swing through the field of view. The firing of the engine begins just after [...]
You know what I hate? The fucking moon. Big white piece of shit with a rabbit on it. Makes people go crazy every time it's full. You can put a man on it, but you can't find a cure for the common swine flu. Who needs it? Fuck you, moon! That's why I'm so thrilled to learn that NASA, in its infinite wisdom, is gonna smack the shit out of that sucker with a high-speed impact probe on Friday. Oh, sure, they say it's all about trying to learn more regarding the ice buried deep beneath its surface, but you and I both know NASA hates the moon [...]
