The End Times
22

Why Won't Anybody Say That "Noah" Is Terrible?

Noah is getting the strangest good reviews. "I’m not sure who exactly this often grimly rapturous movie was made for, but I find myself surprisingly glad that it was made," wrote Richard Lawson in Vanity Fair. A.O. Scott went with: "Mr. Aronofsky’s earnest, uneven, intermittently powerful film, is both a psychological case study and a parable of hubris and humility. At its best, it shares some its namesake’s ferocious conviction, and not a little of his madness."

These are all incredibly charitable. This is not a good movie. I wanted to bite off my fingers. From the opening sequence, which explains the silly state of the world and [...]

17

Burn It Down: The New Terrible Million-Dollar Brooklyn Apartment

Thar she blows! How much would you pay for an apartment in Carroll Gardens that is basically two unattractive low-ceilinged rooms on a "ground floor" plus a walk-in closet (or cozy "home office"), with a (truly) big backyard and 16 by 11 feet of storage in the basement? If you said $1,095,000, then you are 1. correct and 2. INSANE.

If you put 30% down (and WHY WOULD YOU, THAT IS MORE THAN $300K), then your mortgage and maintenance and taxes are a grand total of $5000 a month, because, oh yes, the taxes are $700 a month.

This is it. This is Peak Apartment. It's all over. [...]

18

It's The Last Day Of The Internet

Wait, what?

Watch carefully when you turn on your computer tomorrow. If everything goes according to plan, you won’t notice a thing, even though large parts of the Internet will be going through a test run for its next stage: Internet Protocol version 6 (IPv6), a new system to ensure that the Web doesn’t run out of addresses.

On June 8, search and content giants including Google, Facebook, and Yahoo! will make their websites available over the new system — while your hardware and browser need to be able to set up to view them as well, it’s effectively the largest test yet of the new set of [...]

13

"The Entire Mediterranean Is On Fire": A Song by Glenn Beck

Just put on headphones and hit play on both videos. It will help you pay attention long enough to understand what Real America thinks about what's going on in Egypt and the region. (Hint: It's the rise of a Muslim Caliphate!) We don't know who first put this together—someone emailed it in last night—but it's pretty great.

6

Why Can't We Really Care About Climate Change?

There is a passage early on in McKenzie Funk’s book, Windfall: The Booming Business of Global Warming, that ticks through so many world-gone-crazy anecdotes that maybe aren’t but probably are related to a changing climate that the mind boggles. Drought-crazed camels would soon rampage through a village in Australia, a manatee would swim past Chelsea Piers in New York City’s Hudson River…. Armadillos were reaching northeast Arkansas. Wolves ate dogs in Alaska. Fire consumed fifty million acres of Siberia. Greenland lost a hundred gigatons of ice. The Inuit got air-conditioning units…. In retrospect, this was the moment that we began to believe in global warming—not in the abstract science [...]

13

The Rent Is Too Damn Hilarious

Last night on Court Street I overheard a man and a pregnant lady bemoan the bazillion hours they've spent looking for something decent to buy in Brooklyn (at least, in white people Brooklyn). They just can't give up their Manhattan place until they find that magical Brooklyn apartment!

They will be waiting a while. Or perhaps they'll panic when the deadline of their second baby comes, and just buy something cruddy. But it's not any better for renters, according to this week's figures from the hilariously named RentJuice (ew). The average rent in the East Village is $3,859, now almost exactly tied with the average rent [...]

50

Should We Be Saving the Christians' Children?

This whole "my parents think the end of the world is nigh" piece (which is pretty amazing) is really borderline on whether you should call Child Protective Services, right? I mean, when a 14-year-old is saying “I don’t really have any motivation to try to figure out what I want to do anymore because my main support line, my parents, don’t care"? Off to a friendly foster home run by heathen gays with these children!

36

Wingnuts Actually Upset About Google Logo

Thank God there's CONTROVERSY about the Google logo for Veteran's Day. THERE IS A CRESCENT UP IN THAT PIECE. I mean it's not at all obviously the BOTTOM HALF OF THE LETTER "E" IN "GOOGLE." Also: why does Yahoo! hate veterans? Gosh we're such a busy country.

1

Have You Written Your Obit Yet?

I have been meaning to write my tell-all obituary for some time; everyone is doing it. It's just good policy to ensure you have your final "bite me" in the bag.

7

Our End of the World Contingency Plans

Apparently there was a panel of journalists talking about how they'd cover the end of the world and none of them said "By absolutely not going to work anymore, quite obviously." Rest assured that, should any sort of cataclysmic event occur, The Awl promises to be the very first website to immediately stop publishing, because, who gives a plucked chicken.

58

May 21: The Rapture Meets My 40th Birthday

As lead-ups to fortieth birthdays go, I recommend steering clear of subway preachers who forecast the Rapture for the very day you're most dreading. For 18 months now, End-Timers have been gathering daily, at the top of the stairway to the train I take home from work, to press “Judgment Day” tracts on unsuspecting commuters. I'm sure someone else, someone who lacked my fundamentalist baggage, would've laughed at the coincidence and shaken it off, but to me it felt personal when the men turned up there, with their pamphlets and placards and dire predictions, as though the God I grew up fearing and eventually turned my back [...]