Ritual Abuse
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Youth Humiliation Spectacle Completed

What better predictor of pain than certainty? If you expect something to go wrong, or know, by constant reminder, that it always might, then you are too buoyant to ever reach the emotional seafloor. To obsess about this is depression; to merely feel it is adulthood. This is why the people sacrificed in the Scripps National Spelling Bee every year must be children: Because adult failure, mitigated by experience and lived disappointment, is no fun at all. Congratulations to Sriram Hathwar and Ansun Sujoe.

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Here's Your 2013 State of the Union Drinking Game (Political Ritual Edition)

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, distinguished guests, fellow Americans, and even you, Mr. President:

On this fortuitous evening, we come together in a highly ritualized, deeply esoteric sacred performance within the inner sanctum of our nation's high temple. The president's words will be parsed by an inverse pyramid of humanity, from a mass of dimwitted Politico commenters bobbing like frantic ill-informed ducks upon the surface to the industrial sludge filters at the bottleneck bottom, monstrous catfish like Chris Matthews and Wolf Blitzer, slurping up and then expelling the reactions to the president's prepared text, which have already become worn out punchlines on Twitter.

At home, the citizens [...]