Given my degenerate lifestyle-a fairly obvious subconscious attempt to do myself harm by stealth-it is almost inevitable that I will wind up in a hospital at some point, probably soon. If anyone out there somehow manages to oversee it, do me a favor and make sure it's one of the types that serves booze. I'll be ever so grateful.

"There is negative energy in the air here...." So begins the story about how sweat lodges are killing the New Age tourists in Sedona.

Travelers to Australia need to declare the porn they're bringing into the country to customs agents. The Prison Island government is actually asking you to declare illegal porn, but as you can imagine, there has been some confusion: "According to the Australian Sex Party spokesman Robbie Swan, one case involved a couple on their honeymoon, who thought they had to declare naked iPhone pictures of themselves after reading the incoming passenger card. They were made to display a nude photo of themselves in a line with all these other people; they were so embarrassed." Nobody tell Brett Favre!

Say it with me, everyone: What a world. "Detectives questioned a circus owner today about allegations that a wallaby died after being plied with ecstasy and drink at a birthday disco. The marsupial was let loose among more than 150 revellers dancing at the Clarion Hotel in Liffey Valley, west Dublin, to the theme tune of Australian television show Skippy The Bush Kangaroo."

Actor Tom Bosley, best known as Fonzie's landlord on "Happy Days," has died at the age of 83. What with the recent passing of June Cleaver are we about to see a wave of television's parental figures finally face cancellation? Somebody check in on Florence Henderson, see if she's okay.

The legal saga of Steven Slater-the Jet Blue flight attendant who briefly raised the spirits of a weary nation when he departed his airplane via emergency slide-has come to an end, with Slater pleading to "a felony count of attempted criminal mischief and a misdemeanor count of criminal mischief." There will be no jail time. It is hard to believe that this only happened two months ago, and yet, in another way, it seems like it happened forever ago, because holy hell has the world gone crazy lately.

A look at the styles of Robert Benchley and S.J. Perelman that echo today among the kids.

Football will remain dangerous: "Here's the reality check to Peter King and all who want their violence safely commodified for Sunday: there is no making football safer. There is no amount of suspensions, fines, or ejections that will change the fundamental nature of a sport built on violent collisions. It doesn't matter if players have better mouth guards, better helmets, or better pads. Anytime you have a sport that turns the poor into millionaires and dangles violence as an incentive, well, you reap what you sow."

The men are like cabs theory, reaffirmed: "He THINKS his light is on but it's really not!"

Good golly, even Vogue has a Tumblr now. Maybe there'll be cat pictures from the office! We're still waiting to see if the latest media companies to jump on Tumblr will do anything beyond posting images of their covers and tables of contents. (Don't take that personally! I meant all of you, not anyone specific!)