38. Game rating, theme, plot eliminates need to urinate, file taxes, experience bodily shame.
37. Lifelong contempt of evolutionary theory culminating in ill-thought out plan to stop rampaging monkey, without consulting police, humane society, press, etc.
36. Failure to understand nuances of newly installed alien government.
35. No school will hire substitute teacher named Solid Snake.
34. Prefer being shot at, stomped upon, devoured by monsters, spine mutilation, to honest conversation with friends, family, spouse.
33. Non-raiding, -assassin, -bloodsport job felt too "corporate."
In a storage room in the back of a bar in Hermosa Beach, Dustin Mikulski is stretching his hamstrings. He's not a professional dancer—or, that is, he's not anymore. And technically, Breakers hasn't hired him to dance; the terms of his personal appearance agreement call for him to host: hype the crowd, throw out t-shirts, sign autographs for fans. But this isn't his first gig. Dustin knows that, eventually, he's going to have to perform the routine that made him famous.
Loosened up, Dustin takes advantage of the lull by checking his email. He was scheduled to lead a seminar the next morning in his Econ class at UC [...]
"Most women act as though they're sexual Olympians, as though they're doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves…. Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works. It's nice, too, when you don't treat our semen like it's battery acid." —Chris Jones, Esquire.
20) Fire Jolly Ranchers
19) Arby's Jamocha Shake
18) Soft-Boiled Egg
17) Melted Toffifay Candy
16) Steri-Fab Bed Bug Killer
15) Grape Snow Cone
Beyonce was dreaming that a white wolf was chasing her through a shopping mall. She’d escaped a room in the mall where someone was being tortured by bureaucrats, and now was running in a state of panic, trying to stay on the lookout for their spies. The wolf was at least five feet long and probably weighed 200 pounds. He had run up the escalator from the food court as Beyonce was passing, and snarled at her.
The counterrevolution.1 This vision.2 The future.3 Equilibrium.4 Extinction 5
Neutrality.6 Spinsterhood.7 Obscurity.8 Oblivion.9
Kelowna.10 The Kremlin.11 The newly renovated Madison Square Garden.12