One Last Thing
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How Should We Pronounce That Name, 'New York Times' Obituary Writer Margalit Fox?

From Shulamith Firestone’s obituary: "The family Americanized its surname to Firestone when Shulamith was a child; Ms. Firestone pronounced her first name shoo-LAH-mith but was familiarly known as Shuley or Shulie."

From Paul Roche’s obituary: "The author of several well-received volumes of poetry, Mr. Roche (pronounced 'rawsh') taught over the years at colleges and universities throughout the United States, among them Smith College; the University of Notre Dame; Centenary College in New Jersey; and Emory & Henry College in Virginia, where, his family said in a statement, 'He used to wander stark naked through the woods carpeted with violets.'"

From Giorgio Tozzi’s obituary: "At his [...]

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Bot Catalog

We’re both busy and time is important so here is a breakdown. You might very well be a person who has forgotten what you are supposed to be doing. Living with THE FEAR that your bones could shatter like glass at any moment. You woke up on a Saturday and came to the sudden realization that you were all alone. Warming up to the concept of Time. We live in our own Time cages. Where does all the time go? Your life used to be different. It had a different texture, a different shape. Now it’s something else. Looking back, I realize that [...]

20

Things That Should Fall Out Of A Piñata At A Cinco De Mayo Party

26) Gravy

25) Coupons for candy

24) Pictures of people hitting a piñata from a different piñata party. Everyone will assume they are from your piñata party and it will come across as very clever

23) Dozens of smaller piñatas

22) Sausage links simulating piñata entrails

21) Slips of paper, each with a word that rhymes with piñata: regatta, ricotta, stigmata, sonata… that’s about it actually

20) Bygone knickknacks that someone sentimental might pick up and say, “Oh, this would be lovely on the mantel… if it hadn’t been beaten into pieces”

19) Already scratched lottery tickets

16

Send An Awl Reader To A Kraftwerk Concert With A Scalper

Thus far into Kraftwerk’s week-long residency at MoMA, not many individuals have popped up on Craigslist offering up their +1 for sale. Maybe it's because people who were lucky enough to purchase two tickets for one of the eight shows during the online sale/debacle must present an ID bearing the same name as the purchaser’s to gain entry into the concert. It’s a really big deal! So presumably they’re taking someone who is equally passionate about the music, or dragging a loved one who they’re trying to convert. (Which is never quite as magical as we hope.)

Whatever the case, it seems that most ticket holders don’t want [...]

23

Lone Great Features of Six Otherwise Terrible Movies

1. Music and Lyrics (2007)

The first 2 minutes and 31 seconds of Music and Lyrics contain some fine filmmaking. A caption tells us that we're watching a music video from 1984 called "Pop! Goes My Heart" by Pop. Everything about it is spot on: the black and white set, Scott Porter's big hair and loping dance moves (Jason Street from "Friday Night Lights"!), and Hugh Grant, bless him, mime-sings his little heart out.

And let's talk about the song. From the keyboard flourishes, the falsetto of the "Gold and silv-ah-hah!" leading into the bright harmonies of the chorus, the handclap punctuating the "Pop!" (and the sweet countering [...]

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Reader, I…

Tweeted her.1 Translated her.2 Gave in at last, I did indeed.3

Divorced her.4 Ate her dust.5

79

Some Advice for Young People

From time to time I am asked by young people for advice in matters of work and life, generally by people who have mistaken my age for seniority. I don't really have any advice, though, is the problem, beyond some basics and also "don't do what I did," but usually it goes like:

1. Why don't you think about that over the weekend and if you still feel that way on Monday, you can totally send that email, okay?

2. Yes, you should not worry too much about the consequences and you should definitely quit your job that you hate and it'll probably all work out great. Job quitters are [...]

2

The Apology

You'll go down there and apologize. You'll go and apologize now. It's ridiculous not to, ridiculous even to wait as long as you have to do it. Stupid and petulant and a waste of time to wait here. It was a stupid thing to say in the first place, too, as long as we're listing what ought to and what ought not to be done.

It was a stupid and a terrible thing to say and you knew that as you said it. You wanted to see what it would draw out, what the words would feel like in your mouth as you said them. Fine; now you know, [...]

13

Mad Men's Megan Draper Reads (And Wears) 1966 'Vogue'

Up until this season, the stylish women of "Mad Men" rarely deviated from their set looks. Joan wore her tight, bold dresses; Betty Draper (pre weight-gain) honed her Grace Kelly image; and Jane Siegel was all about flash. (Even Peggy, the most awkward dresser of the group, stuck to mostly menswear-influenced outfits around the office.) It took the new Mrs. Draper and her fabulous wardrobe to give the show what it needed to chronicle the changing fashions of the 60s: a clotheshorse.

And a trendy one at that. We never know what Megan Draper will decide to wear next—now a rhinestone mod mini-dress, next a floor-length gown and [...]

59

Birds, From Worst To Best

Common Starling

• Canada Goose

• Mute Swan

• Yellow-throated Warbler

• Bald Eagle

• Cockatiel

• American Robin

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Ten Other Things I've Wondered About Teen Movies

Today’s release of American Reunion made one observer ask, “Is this American Pie Reunion truly necessary? Did anyone wonder ‘what happened to that pastry rapist?’” The answer to his question is, of course, no. What a silly thing to ask! But there are plenty of other questions regarding the characters from our favorite teen movies that have gone unanswered for years. Here are some of the most important!

1. American Pie: Has Jim’s mother continued baking apple pies, or did the recession force her to rethink the family’s grocery budget and replace fresh apples with canned pumpkin?

2. The Breakfast Club: To what private women’s college was Claire [...]

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43 Increasingly Precise Netflix Custom Genre Recommendations

43. Dysfunctional Family TV Dramas 42. Dark Biographical 20th Century Period Pieces 41. Classic Goofy Musicals 40. Critically-acclaimed Underdog Dramas 39. Suspenseful Spy Movies Based on Real Life 38. Quirky Crime TV Shows 37. Feel-good Opposites-Attract Movies 36. Revenge Movies 35. Gory Action & Adventure 34. Romantic Gay & Lesbian Coming-of-age Movies 33. Critically-acclaimed Nature & Ecology Documentaries 32. Gritty Conspiracy Movies 30. Controversial Courtroom Movies 31. Campy Prison Movies

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The Poetry Of Ally Sheedy: A Look Back

February marked the twenty-first anniversary of the publication of a book of poems by the gifted actor Ally Sheedy. It was called Yesterday I Saw the Sun, and she was famously excoriated for it. Sheedy was then 28 years old and coming off a very bad patch, including a stint at Hazelden; she had picked up an addiction to Halcion during an ill-fated fling with Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora, and her friend Demi Moore is said to have scooped up the remains of Sheedy and posted them to rehab by way of an intervention. Terrible business, but the braying press went after her anyway. "Ally Sheedy from bad to [...]

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Epic Poem Pick For The Super Bowl

The epic conclusion to an entire season of poetic football picks.

New England -3 NY Giants 54

When Yahweh created the USA She put two towns four hours away And in the sports they'd always play Until everyone was sick of hearing about them.

Boston with its chowder, New York with its cocaine Had a belligerent rivalry to maintain. Boston had a strangler, New York, a son of Sam And all the other cities stopped giving a damn.

Four cold dark years ago They met in a southwest state that has no soul. And because the Patriots stopped taping practices They got defeated, the Giants kicked their [...]

4

Hidden Motivations Of Video Game Characters, In Order

39. Fun

38. Game rating, theme, plot eliminates need to urinate, file taxes, experience bodily shame.

37. Lifelong contempt of evolutionary theory culminating in ill-thought out plan to stop rampaging monkey, without consulting police, humane society, press, etc.

36. Failure to understand nuances of newly installed alien government.

35. No school will hire substitute teacher named Solid Snake.

34. Prefer being shot at, stomped upon, devoured by monsters, spine mutilation, to honest conversation with friends, family, spouse.

33. Non-raiding, -assassin, -bloodsport job felt too "corporate."

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Amazing Tales Of Celebrity Heroes

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What Happened To The Baby Who Danced His Way Into America's Heart?

In a storage room in the back of a bar in Hermosa Beach, Dustin Mikulski is stretching his hamstrings. He's not a professional dancer—or, that is, he's not anymore. And technically, Breakers hasn't hired him to dance; the terms of his personal appearance agreement call for him to host: hype the crowd, throw out t-shirts, sign autographs for fans. But this isn't his first gig. Dustin knows that, eventually, he's going to have to perform the routine that made him famous.

Loosened up, Dustin takes advantage of the lull by checking his email. He was scheduled to lead a seminar the next morning in his Econ class at UC [...]

31

Things Chris Jones Wished Women Treated His Semen Like

"Most women act as though they're sexual Olympians, as though they're doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves…. Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works. It's nice, too, when you don't treat our semen like it's battery acid." —Chris Jones, Esquire.

20) Fire Jolly Ranchers

19) Arby's Jamocha Shake

18) Soft-Boiled Egg

17) Melted Toffifay Candy

16) Steri-Fab Bed Bug Killer

15) Grape Snow Cone

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B'Day

Beyonce was dreaming that a white wolf was chasing her through a shopping mall. She’d escaped a room in the mall where someone was being tortured by bureaucrats, and now was running in a state of panic, trying to stay on the lookout for their spies. The wolf was at least five feet long and probably weighed 200 pounds. He had run up the escalator from the food court as Beyonce was passing, and snarled at her.

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A Funny Thing Happened On the Way To…

The counterrevolution.1 This vision.2 The future.3 Equilibrium.4 Extinction 5

Neutrality.6 Spinsterhood.7 Obscurity.8 Oblivion.9

Kelowna.10 The Kremlin.11 The newly renovated Madison Square Garden.12