Did you forget to stay up late waiting for results from the U.N. climate talks in Doha? Well, you'll be happy to know global warming is solved thanks to a bold consensus decision to take aggressive international action on carbon emissions and sustainability. No, wait, that is not what happened. Here's a typically sunny reaction: "It’s very, very depressing. There is nothing [in the text] at all on finance, nothing about emissions reduction, it's all about workshops and talk shops. There is no commitment by [by rich countries] on anything."

Then again, "low expectations" were the only expectation at all. Sorry, polar bears and etc.

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"Last July, 28th Street sold 8,000 Slurpees for an average price of $2 each. On its best day, it sold 291. (Slurpees, Natapraya tells me, have 'unbelievable' sales numbers in Manhattan.) But back then Jemal’s gross profit on the drinks was a paltry 62 percent—he was losing too many bins of syrup to expiration because of overordering." —The rise of the New York 7-Eleven: "134 stores by 2017 is the target for Manhattan." The future's up to you! You buy a Slurpee, you seal the deal.

"RainbowVision has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, wracked by financial problems and an increasingly bitter dispute between its residents and management. Its problems mirror those of many other gay retirement communities around the country that have either failed to open or fallen on hard times, victims of a weakened housing market, a deflated economy and, in some cases, poor business decisions." —Ugh, now we're all just going to die on the streets, with all our cats and cute furniture, while you straight people have all the resentful children to barely support you in your older years.