Are you having a good Summer? I hope you are, and not just because I am enjoying having an awesome Summer, seriously, and the best part is it ain’t over yet! Arrooo! Yeah, man, it is, like, only August 11 right now, and I am in my castle wearing a bathing suit and as soon as I finish writering-up this Column I’m going upstairs to my Refrigerator to tap out another serving of my New Best Friend, Franzia Chillable Red, yow! It’s like Wine, except it is sweet enough to drink a lot of, you know? Plus it comes in a Carbon Box! Ecology! Bottles are not [...]

So now they (and you know who They are) went and changed the food triangle-pyramid to a circle, with this Choose My Plate to remind you that you are fat. Yeah, it’s totally subliminal except I figured it out almost immediately with my subconscious mind because I remember all that stuff about Egypt and The Pyramids, and how they are a source of Great Power and cool-ass Earth, Wind & Fire album covers, so all this time we’ve been down with the Food Pyramid because we (OK, I) figure that One's Health is 90% mental, like, if I am at least thinking about Health, then I [...]

It is around this time of year that I am pleased to remind The Public that I am available for speaking engagements at all manner of Commencement Ceremonies, be they for fancy-pants four-year Universities of Higher Learning or Two-Year Junior Colleges, like the one I went to. Also, Trade schools, GED programs, you name it, Hamburger f'ing University, man, if you’re looking for someone to address The Graduate and give them some sorta clue as to What’s Next, I am ready to travel to Your Town, USA, for a modest honorarium and confirmed accommodations at the nearest Best Western or full-on Holiday Inn, and not one of those [...]

It ain’t the heat, it’s the hotness of the humid.

I’m glad all the Basketball and Hockey (assuming the Riots are over) is done and now we can focus on Baseball, not because of Sports, but because Baseball = Summer, and Summer is my favorite. I know you know Summer is only three months long,* but when it’s really happening the right way, it is endless, eh? You know what I mean, like, no offense to those other seasons, but unless it's a negative thing (as in: “Man, that day last winter, when I beat up all those cops and went to jail, that was a long-ass [...]

I’m all ready to make this week’s Mr. Wrong column, but sometimes I can’t remember what I want to column about, you know? I mean, c’mon, I always have some sorta Topic, and no, I do not sympathise with any of this “Writer’s Block” stuff people whine about, like that article I looked at in The New Yorker about the guy who helped big-time Entertainment people get through their Writerering Block, har!

At least that’s what I think it was about, the article, I mighta not completely absorbed it, on account of I have Reader’s Block, seriously, I mean, I don’t move my lips or anything [...]

I eat a lot of Questionable Things, with gravy on ’em and stuff, so I thought I maybe should find some ways to improve my diet, and to that end, I have been eating a lot of those “Energy Bar” CLIF® bar things lately, in order to be Healthy, you know? I mean, it’s like this, I thought instead of a greasy baconeggandcheese every morning from the place on the corner, I would instead enjoy CLIF® bar at my desk (along with two giant glasses of water, which is also Healthy, but mostly because otherwise a goddamn CLIF® bar will choke you out because they are so compacted with [...]

I think the Mainstream Media, whatever that is, has been doing a very good job reporting on the New York 9th District Congressman Anthony Weiner and his naughties. I’m kinda sick of hearing about it, but that’s my fault, because I consume lots of super-obvious Lowest Common Denominator News and Infotainments, where I have heard a kabillion-jillion things about Anthony Weiner from my teevee in the morning when I put the stupid TODAY show on and then in the bathroom, where I perform my morning ablutions in the manner of Pontius Pilate (one of History’s notable Public Servants), and I hear more about Anthony Weiner on the news programs [...]

I listen to a lot of AM radio, which is “Amplitude Modulation,” and I don’t know what that means, but not so much in the morning, if you know what I mean, as far as listening. One of the best things about AM radio, besides how it blinks out when you go under a bridge if you are in your car and the static and how other radio stuff bleeds in and out of whatever channel you are on and how it sounds like it’s coming from The Past, is guys like Harold Camping, who has a show on a network called “Family Radio,” which is pretty much [...]