Knifecrime Island
1

Even Non-Horse Meat In Britain Bad

"Meat from cattle contaminated with bovine tuberculosis (bTB) is being sold to some caterers and food manufacturers by Defra, the food and farming ministry admitted yesterday. The raw meat, from around 28,000 diseased animals a year, is banned by most supermarkets and burger chains because of public health concerns. But it is finding its way into schools and hospitals or being used in products such as pies and pasties, the Sunday Times reported." —It is almost like some higher power is literally telling Britons not to eat meat.

4

For The Prevention Of Scottish Glassing

"Plans to ban the pint glass from pubs throughout the Highlands of Scotland have sparked outrage."

4

Metal Thieves Steal Bridge

"A landmark bridge opened by fashion designer Julien Macdonald in his home town has been forced to close after metal thieves stole sections of it," which, this being Britain, they will presumably turn into knives.

3

Britain Cracking Down On Tripartite Angles

"A school has banned triangular flapjacks on health and safety grounds after a pupil was hit in the eye by one during a lunch-time food fight. Dinner ladies at the comprehensive school were told to cut flapjacks into squares or rectangles only from now on after the Year 7 boy was sent home complaining of a sore eye." —It is important to keep in mind that "flapjacks" are different over there (here is a manual) but it is more important to keep in mind that there is nothing British people cannot turn into a knife.

3

Where British People Keep Their Spare Knives

"The annual Shed of the Year competition to search for the UK’s most wacky and wonderful sheds is underway." Are there photos, you ask? Are there photos? Why, gentle reader, there is a whole PHOTOGALLERY.

9

Britons Still Dirty

"Nearly a fifth of Britons fail to change their sheets at least one a month, startling new figures suggest." (This news is startling only if you don't recall that a) this is an annual feature and b) it is a well-established fact that Britons are the most verminous, filth-encrusted hominids to roam the earth and that they recoil from the idea of washing up even more quickly than they do from the glint of a blade wielded with menacing intent which, to be fair, they are probably desensitized to by now. )

0

Being British Now A Jailable Offense

Everyone in Britain is going to prison.

0

British Freak Dancers Fall Silent

"The Joint Morris Organisations, the umbrella group for the hobby, has said it is struggling to cope with a nationwide shortage of 'irons' to fit onto the clogs worn by dancers. The dearth has been blamed on a lack of blacksmiths now producing the items, which are fitted to the soles of the wooden footwear, rather like horse shoes, in order to maximise the noise made by the dance routines. Morris dancers say that unless supplies can be restored, some sides – as groups are known – will stop performing, while others will have to switch to more readily-available rubber fittings, which make far less noise."

0

British 13-Year-Olds Must Try Harder

How old is Britain's youngest football hooligan? The answer may surprise you.

0

What Kind Of Sharp Stabby Things Are They Buying In Britain Now?

"This is bladey madness" is actually an expose of the ease with which young Britons can procure "LETHAL swords, machetes and knives," but it would also be a great title for a compilation of current music from over there, if someone is interested in putting one together.

1

Who Is Britain's "Nasty Piece Of Work"?

London mayor Boris Johnson had kind of a rough weekend. If you are someone who feels like, "Who is that and why should I care?" I would not normally disagree with you, except that the man is remarkably entertaining and you would definitely enjoy knowing more about him.

15

Horsemeat Scandal "Breathtaking, Delicious" Say British Politicians

Whenever the meat supply on Knifecrime Island is perceived to be compromised, the government of the day trots out an unlucky official to take one for the team and graze on whatever bits of gristle and hoof they want to reassure their suddenly squeamish countrymen—people who eat sausage made out of dried blood on a regular basis—that everything's just fine. Nearly a quarter century after an agriculture minister attempted to fell the fear that crazy cows might do further damage to the already addled grey matter of that cursed island's lager-fueled legion of louts by attempting (unsuccessfully) to cram a BSE-burger into a [...]

0

Britons Having Difficulty Tallying Up The Number Of People They've Stabbed

"One in four adults has the maths skills of a nine-year-old or worse and struggles with the most basic everyday sums. According to a shock report, more than eight million adults in England are considered to lack even basic numeracy." Hahahaha, England! 1 in 4 adults! That's like 50% or something!

6

Why Are Britons Vomiting Now?

"Britain is in the grip of a winter vomiting outbreak which has already seen many thousands fall victim to the debilitating virus." —It seems like Britain's winter vomiting epidemic starts earlier each year.

0

Women Dressed As Badgers Less Ridiculous Group In Story

"Far-Right Extremists Chased Through London by Women Dressed as Badgers"

5

Joy Offends

"MPs are demanding the BBC back down over plans to play the song Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead on the official singles chart this weekend, after a concerted campaign to make it number one. The Judy Garland song has been seized on by opponents of Margaret Thatcher to celebrate her death from a stroke earlier this week and it has already sold 20,000 copies since Monday. A collection of right-wing newspapers – which just recently were campaigning for media freedom against the Leveson report –have also demanded the BBC desist from playing the song, no matter where it ends up in the charts."

0

Britain Reboots Class System

"British people can now aspire to and despise four new levels of social classes, according to a new survey conducted by researchers in partnership with public broadcaster the BBC." Replacing your classic "upper," "middle" and "working" cohorts are seven new classes: "Elite," "Established Middle," "Technical Middle," "New Affluent Workers," "Traditional Working," "Emergent Service Workers" and "Precarious Proletariat." Distinctions aside, they will all stab you for looking at them funny. Which one would you be?

1

Even British Artpop Royalty Seduced By The Charm Of The Blade

"Bryan Ferry's son told police to 'investigate real crime' after being caught with knife"

5

Knifed Skull Found In English Garbage Belongs To Hunchbacked King

The murdered remains of another scrawny Englishman found in the rubble of a "car park" is actually the long-dead hunchback king, Richard III. This is why the United Kingdom continues to cling to its quaint system of royalty, so that a wayward stabbed king can occasionally be found in the sodden ground beneath a parking lot, to give people hope.

A skeleton found beneath a Leicester car park has been confirmed as that of English king Richard III. Experts from the University of Leicester said DNA from the bones matched that of descendants of the monarch's family …. Richard, killed in battle in 1485, will be reinterred in [...]

10

Egg Fertilized

Cheesy name for a baby. RT @mikeallenLONDON, December 3, 2012 (AFP) – Britain's Prince William and Kate expecting a baby: palace

— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) December 3, 2012

Hahahah! What would you name the possible baby who might someday rule whatever slashed-up crater remains of Britain? London? Palace? Adele? Tell us in the comments! Actually, go talk about it on Tumblr, I hear there's something fun going on over there.