Knifecrime Island

When Lights Are Low In London

"SCARED residents are snapping up stab proof vests and protective clothing to shield themselves from attacks during the street light switch-off, an Essex defence company boss claims."


Rich Lady Maybe Not So Rich

Will the lady who owns Knifecrime Island soon be put out on the streets? She's "down to her last million," according to one of the always restrained journals which deliver the news to that festering mass of pustular blade-wielders, and may have to rent out part of her house—which at least seems to be in keeping with the spirit of the age.


Fandom Rebuffed

"The Prime Minister is fast turning in to the least popular groupie in town. David Cameron has been spurned by another of his musical heroes after praising the work of The Housemartins in the House of Commons. Speaking at Prime Minister's Questions, Mr Cameron hailed the 1980s band while congratulating Hull on being made the UK's next City of Culture…. The band's former lead singer, Paul Heaton, immediately took to Twitter telling fans: 'Well, apparently David Cameron likes London 0 Hull 4. Which part of the attack on his policies and rich friends did he like best???'" —Maybe the most disturbing thing here is [...]


British People Talk Funny

What's plaguing Britain now? Yes, yes, knives. It is an island awash in blades where even a quick run to the corner shop is an obstacle course of drink-sozzled louts in hooded sweatshirts whose twisted desire for the feeling of power brought about by inflicting misery can only be sated by thrusting their sharpened steel into the pliant human flesh of random passersby etc. We already know this is what Britain is all about. But now: With her ear glued to her mobile phone, my 11-year-old daughter, Millie, was deep in conversation, her brow furrowed as she discussed [...]


British Nights Out To Get More Expensive

"I don't see why the police service or the health service should pick up the duty of care for someone who has chosen to go out and get so drunk that they cannot look after themselves. So why don't we take them to a drunk cell owned by a commercial company and get the commercial company to look after them during the night until they are sober? When that is over, we will issue them with a fixed penalty and the company will be able to charge them for their care, which would be at a quite significant cost, and that might be a significant deterrent." —Will Britain privatize [...]


What Is Bad In Britain Today?

Today is a terrible day to get stabbed in Britain. I mean, assuming you want to live. Which, if you're in Britain, may not be the correct assumption. Actually, I can understand the upside to suddenly seeing the quick glint of a blade and then a fade to black, with the comforting realization that you no longer need to waste time in that gray, vomit-encrusted hellhole they pretend is a civilized country. Plus, you know how the whole baby thing turned out, so, really, you're not waiting around for anything else now. Come to think of it, you're probably better off going out there to get stabbed today. The [...]


Behind This Door A Lady Will Make A Baby

What's happening at the front door of the hospital where a famous British lady is going to squeeze out a famous British baby? A whole lot of what you see above, AND MORE. Britain's Sun has set up a cam to "capture all the comings and goings into and out of the Lindo Wing where Duchess of Cambridge Kate, 31, is to give birth," and it's weirdly transfixing, if staring at walls while people walk by can be described as transfixing. About an hour ago a couple of attractive girls came by to hand out cupcakes to the camera crews. Who knows what could happen next? So far [...]


Mad Dogs And Englishmen

"Yes, I've stepped in glass and dog dirt. You learn to scan your surroundings to avoid accidents, but they happen. Your soles are tough, though. The glass was painful, but it didn't do any real damage. With dog mess, I just wipe my feet on grass and then wash them at a tap." –A couple things here. First, "dog dirt," haha. Second, this broken-glass-and-dog-poop-strewn hellscape is Britain, obviously. 


Who Stole All The Ferrets?

Is Britain full of ferret thieves? In a country where the prime minister can honor his barber for "services to hairdressing" I suppose anything is possible.


Conservative Government Brings Back Victorian Traditions To England

"England's chief medical officer has said the public should feel 'profoundly ashamed' of a 'very worrying picture' of children's health and called for the scheme of free vitamins to be extended to all under-fives to tackle the return of rickets."


Pretend To Be Surprised: British People Don't Bathe

It would be very easy to treat the "surprising new figures" revealed by this survey that "more than a quarter of Britons never have a bath" as further evidence that the foul and pestilent dwellers of that benighted island are exactly as filth-encrusted and odoriferous as the rest of the world has so frequently chronicled in story and song, a vile and dungy people whose only experience of exfoliation comes when the sharp edge of the blade removes a layer of the cack-encrusted excrescence their medical professionals [...]


Here Is What A Random Good Deed Looks Like In Britain

Pay close attention, because based on the amount of fuss they are making over it in the report, it doesn't seem as if something like this happens all that often.


Even British People Don't Want To Talk To British People

"Millions of Britons are currently not talking to at least one of their neighbours, a survey has shown."


Eggcrime Island

"It’s very rare in the U.K. to have a national police operation of this kind. The others are for drug trafficking, human trafficking, and football hooliganism." —You can try to guess but it is probably just easier to click and see.


Birds Need Antidepressants To Survive Living In England

At the Scarborough Sea Life Sanctuary in the northeast of England (England, for the uninitiated, is a series of small wet rocks in the North Atlantic Ocean), penguins have been given anti-depressants because penguins are apparently pretty perceptive and are aware of the awful place in which they live. This winter has been the wettest on record in Scarborough, and while the Humboldt penguin (native to coastal Chile) is perfectly capable of dealing with brutal cold, these particular penguins are no match for the psyche-destroying sleet of an English winter. Hopefully they'll be kept away from the knives.

Photo by Fruggo


You Don't Stop Being British Just Because You're Old

"More than half a million people have been hospitalised in the past three years because of drink or drugs, with those in their 40s behind a surge in cases that is putting a strain on the NHS, official figures reveal. A total of 533,302 people in England have been admitted to hospital as an emergency since 2010 with serious health problems related to their consumption of alcohol or illicit substances. The vast majority were admissions for conditions specifically related to alcohol abuse, such as liver problems. Of those, 60,738 were aged 40 to 44 and another 60,083 were 45 to 49 – together, more than a fifth of the total. [...]


Man British

"A man was charged with trespass and possession of a blade last night after an intruder allegedly tried to barge his way into Buckingham Palace. David Belmar, 44, was tackled by police at the Queen’s London home after apparently trying to access the main staff entrance while carrying a knife."


British Regional Prejudices Adorable

Hahahaha, British people don't realize that they all sound like knife-wielding scumbags.


Modern Britain Described In Single Sentence

"A hen party appalled by a foul stench at their seaside guest house discovered it was coming from a decomposing corpse in the room next door."


New Baby The Only Thing Keeping Britain's Economy Afloat

"Celebrate the arrival of a new Prince for Britain with your very own Lego Royal Baby minifig. The little tableau includes a Lego Prince William, with 'long live gran sweater' and the glamorous Kate Middleton minifig holding the new Royal Prince. The Lego background isn’t included, but a base plate (not pictured) with a commemorative description will be (name, date etc…)." —You know, if Hans Holbein the Younger were alive today, who's to say that he wouldn't be working in the medium of Lego? There is a collection of other royal tat right here.