"The Prime Minister is fast turning in to the least popular groupie in town. David Cameron has been spurned by another of his musical heroes after praising the work of The Housemartins in the House of Commons. Speaking at Prime Minister's Questions, Mr Cameron hailed the 1980s band while congratulating Hull on being made the UK's next City of Culture…. The band's former lead singer, Paul Heaton, immediately took to Twitter telling fans: 'Well, apparently David Cameron likes London 0 Hull 4. Which part of the attack on his policies and rich friends did he like best???'" —Maybe the most disturbing thing here is [...]
What's plaguing Britain now? Yes, yes, knives. It is an island awash in blades where even a quick run to the corner shop is an obstacle course of drink-sozzled louts in hooded sweatshirts whose twisted desire for the feeling of power brought about by inflicting misery can only be sated by thrusting their sharpened steel into the pliant human flesh of random passersby etc. We already know this is what Britain is all about. But now: With her ear glued to her mobile phone, my 11-year-old daughter, Millie, was deep in conversation, her brow furrowed as she discussed [...]
"I don't see why the police service or the health service should pick up the duty of care for someone who has chosen to go out and get so drunk that they cannot look after themselves. So why don't we take them to a drunk cell owned by a commercial company and get the commercial company to look after them during the night until they are sober? When that is over, we will issue them with a fixed penalty and the company will be able to charge them for their care, which would be at a quite significant cost, and that might be a significant deterrent." —Will Britain privatize [...]
Today is a terrible day to get stabbed in Britain. I mean, assuming you want to live. Which, if you're in Britain, may not be the correct assumption. Actually, I can understand the upside to suddenly seeing the quick glint of a blade and then a fade to black, with the comforting realization that you no longer need to waste time in that gray, vomit-encrusted hellhole they pretend is a civilized country. Plus, you know how the whole baby thing turned out, so, really, you're not waiting around for anything else now. Come to think of it, you're probably better off going out there to get stabbed today. The [...]
What's happening at the front door of the hospital where a famous British lady is going to squeeze out a famous British baby? A whole lot of what you see above, AND MORE. Britain's Sun has set up a cam to "capture all the comings and goings into and out of the Lindo Wing where Duchess of Cambridge Kate, 31, is to give birth," and it's weirdly transfixing, if staring at walls while people walk by can be described as transfixing. About an hour ago a couple of attractive girls came by to hand out cupcakes to the camera crews. Who knows what could happen next? So far [...]
"The Joint Morris Organisations, the umbrella group for the hobby, has said it is struggling to cope with a nationwide shortage of 'irons' to fit onto the clogs worn by dancers. The dearth has been blamed on a lack of blacksmiths now producing the items, which are fitted to the soles of the wooden footwear, rather like horse shoes, in order to maximise the noise made by the dance routines. Morris dancers say that unless supplies can be restored, some sides – as groups are known – will stop performing, while others will have to switch to more readily-available rubber fittings, which make far less noise."
"England's chief medical officer has said the public should feel 'profoundly ashamed' of a 'very worrying picture' of children's health and called for the scheme of free vitamins to be extended to all under-fives to tackle the return of rickets."
It would be very easy to treat the "surprising new figures" revealed by this survey that "more than a quarter of Britons never have a bath" as further evidence that the foul and pestilent dwellers of that benighted island are exactly as filth-encrusted and odoriferous as the rest of the world has so frequently chronicled in story and song, a vile and dungy people whose only experience of exfoliation comes when the sharp edge of the blade removes a layer of the cack-encrusted excrescence they call "skin," [...]
Pay close attention, because based on the amount of fuss they are making over it in the report, it doesn't seem as if something like this happens all that often.
"Millions of Britons are currently not talking to at least one of their neighbours, a survey has shown."
"It’s very rare in the U.K. to have a national police operation of this kind. The others are for drug trafficking, human trafficking, and football hooliganism." —You can try to guess but it is probably just easier to click and see.
"MPs are demanding the BBC back down over plans to play the song Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead on the official singles chart this weekend, after a concerted campaign to make it number one. The Judy Garland song has been seized on by opponents of Margaret Thatcher to celebrate her death from a stroke earlier this week and it has already sold 20,000 copies since Monday. A collection of right-wing newspapers – which just recently were campaigning for media freedom against the Leveson report –have also demanded the BBC desist from playing the song, no matter where it ends up in the charts."
"A man was charged with trespass and possession of a blade last night after an intruder allegedly tried to barge his way into Buckingham Palace. David Belmar, 44, was tackled by police at the Queen’s London home after apparently trying to access the main staff entrance while carrying a knife."
Hahahaha, British people don't realize that they all sound like knife-wielding scumbags.
"A hen party appalled by a foul stench at their seaside guest house discovered it was coming from a decomposing corpse in the room next door."
"Celebrate the arrival of a new Prince for Britain with your very own Lego Royal Baby minifig. The little tableau includes a Lego Prince William, with 'long live gran sweater' and the glamorous Kate Middleton minifig holding the new Royal Prince. The Lego background isn’t included, but a base plate (not pictured) with a commemorative description will be (name, date etc…)." —You know, if Hans Holbein the Younger were alive today, who's to say that he wouldn't be working in the medium of Lego? There is a collection of other royal tat right here.
"Meat from cattle contaminated with bovine tuberculosis (bTB) is being sold to some caterers and food manufacturers by Defra, the food and farming ministry admitted yesterday. The raw meat, from around 28,000 diseased animals a year, is banned by most supermarkets and burger chains because of public health concerns. But it is finding its way into schools and hospitals or being used in products such as pies and pasties, the Sunday Times reported." —It is almost like some higher power is literally telling Britons not to eat meat.