Heh
5

"Then it’s time for the gang bang"

"At 3:15 the models take a break to text and snack on rainbow Twizzlers. Then it’s time for the gang bang." — I've known plenty of happy long-term threesome couples, so I don't find this tale of a very content throuple particularly shocking or exciting, but you sure gotta love having these two sentences together.

6

Here Is What Drunken Teenagers In Texas Will Be Ripping Down Next

"Texas transportation commissioners voted minutes ago to begin erecting Interstate 69 signs on a 6.2-mile stretch of U.S. 77 between Interstate 37 and State Highway 44 in Nueces County in south Texas near the Gulf of Mexico . The Texas segment of the 1,000-mile interstate is expected to eventually stretch from Texarkana to the border. Polk County Judge Judge John Thompson, chairman of the Alliance for I-69, hailed the decision in a press release issued by TxDOT.

7

"Marianne Moore Is Reluctant To Say…."

"MARIANNE MOORE IS RELUCTANT TO SAY THAT SHE CAN NOT DO ANY OF THESE THINGS: READ MANUSCRIPT; COUNSEL WRITERS; GRANT INTERVIEWS; PROVIDE PHOTOGRAPHS; RECOMMEND PUBLISHERS; RECOMMEND EDITORS FAVORABLE TO VERSE BY CHILDREN OR WORK BEQUEATHD [sic] FOR PUBLICATION; PROVIDE DATA FOR THESES, LECTURES, SCHOOL ASSIGNMENTS, MEMOIRS; DOES NOT PROVIDE; COLLECTORS OF AUTOGRAPHS WITH CARD, STAMP OR ENVELOPE; DOES NOT READ BOOKS WITH A VIEW TO COMMENTING; ASKS FRIENDS WHO ARE MEMBERS OF UNIVERSITY OR OTHER FACULTIES NOT TO SUGGEST HER TO THEIR STUDENTS OR TO VISITING SCHOLARS AS AVAILABLE FOR CONSULATION [sic]." —Marianne Moore, queen of the original, permanent and brutal "out of office" autoresponder.

6

Plus "Mugabe's Diet Tips"

Does this revision of the cover of Harper's as Us Weekly make you want to read it more?

1

"I literally looked at every site related to ugly Christmas sweaters"

“Laurie Abkemeier, a literary agent with DeFiore and Company, decided a couple years ago that the world needed a book about ugly Christmas sweaters…. 'I literally looked at every site related to ugly Christmas sweaters to see who would have the biggest platform for this book.'" —Just another day at the salt mines.

2

Some People Like GOOP For Reals

"There is an untold number of genuine (as opposed to ironic) subscribers to GOOP."