Guest Op Ed
7

I Taught Jonah Lehrer Every Word He Knows About Love

From time to time, The Awl offers its space to everyday citizens with something to say.

I don’t want to get Jonah Lehrer in any more trouble than he’s in already, but I felt like I needed to come forward and warn Simon and Schuster about something that’ll piss them off royally if they hear about it later. You know that book proposal he was shopping where he wants to write about love and stuff? A lot of what’s in there, as described in The New York Times, is taken straight out of the notes, texts, and emails he sent me in high school, when he [...]

24

We Should Have Killed These Internet Pioneers Back In the 1990s

From time to time, The Awl offers its space to everyday citizens with something to say.

I am a newspaperman. Before my freelancing days, my business card had the name of my paper, and under that it said my own name, and then: "Staff Writer." These days, I'm barely getting by as a freelancer, and my business card has a little graphic of a quill by my name.

I often think about how different the media landscape would be if newspapers had invested in killing off the "Web content" people once they became a clear danger to journalism.

Assassination is a nasty business, and I am against it. Still, you [...]

5

The Wisconsin Teacher State Guard: A New Tomorrow For Teachers!

From time to time, The Awl offers its space to everyday citizens with something to say.

Now that Governor Walker has proven he's still the right man for the job in Wisconsin, perhaps it is time to offer some concessions to the one-million-plus people who voted for that other fellow yesterday. We know it sounds crazy, but it wouldn’t take much to get Wisconsin working again, in a harmonious way that makes sense to us all. The time is right for an olive branch from the Governor, and that should come in the form of an initiative known as the “Wisconsin Teacher State Guard.”

Teachers have the summer off, [...]

8

Too Soon, Angry Birds Rio

From time to time, The Awl offers its space to everyday citizens with something to say.

Each 9/11 season, we see more and more the creeping influence of foreign nationals on this important American day of unity and remembrance. Last year they tried to turn Ground Zero into an international house of sharia worship. A few years back, a Polish-born architect named Daniel Libeskind was nearly allowed to turn Ground Zero into a series of hippie-hammocks and cuddle-puddle chambers. And now, this tenth anniversary—the most important to date, because we love round numbers and because we prefer a base ten system of numbering—is also, already, the most cruelly plundered for [...]

10

'60 Minutes' Legend Declares 2012 Tea Party Candidacy

Did you ever notice that from time to time The Awl offers its editorial space to citizens with a point of view? It's true, we totally do. Today we hear from a man with a lot on his mind.

I watched the Republican debate on Fox the other night. It was in Iowa. I've been to Iowa so I can tell you a thing or two about corn. Corn isn't all that different from politics; both of them flourish in cow flop. No wonder presidential campaigns always start in Iowa.

But the debate, if you can call it that, made me realize that there are a lot [...]

24

Why Won't You Simply Let People Despise Jews?

From time to time, The Awl offers its space to everyday citizens with a point of view on the world. Opinions are the writer's own; the Awl does not endorse these opinions.

Sad news comes from beyond the borders of my kingdom! Dior's exceptional designer, John Galliano—though perhaps I am only remembering his work on Kylie Minogue's 'Let's Get to It' tour, from when it arrived in Wrocław, Silesia, as his latest work, well, it has perhaps been tainted by the Jews!—has been rendered unemployed due to his views on, yes, predictably, the Jews! The omnipresent Jewish lobby objects to his political views, yes, and so they have forced [...]

24

Stop Making Fun Of The Hulk

From time to time, we offer free editorial space to folks from all walks of life who have something to get off their chests. Today we bring you a heartfelt request from an itinerant scientist.

I'm Bruce Banner, and I'm writing to ask politely that the recent spate of Twitter feeds based on the persona of the monster that is the Hulk suspend publication. I refer specifically to the so-called Feminist Hulk and the so-called Drunk Hulk, but I include by this reference the field of so-called Hulks that seem to be growing unchecked like kudzu.

5

It's Time For Google To Buy All These Publishing Companies And Shut Them Down

From time to time, The Awl offers its space to everyday citizens with something to say.

Another day, another battle between some country with publishing laws and America's top advertising company, Google. Now it's Portugal complaining about Google being an Internet business—the same Portugal that is usually in the news for causing the latest worldwide financial panic. Whenever I see stocks are plunging these days, I pretty much know without checking CNBC that Portugal is up to no good again. The other day my boss made a joke and said, "What is this Cyprus place, anyway? Some breakaway autonomous zone of Portugal?" And he might be right, who even [...]

40

I Want To Know What's Wrong With Being An Internet Troll

From time to time, The Awl offers its space to everyday citizens with something to say.

In light of a recent gripping narrative I wrote about air travel I have been hearing a lot of complaints about "internet trolling."

"Henry only wrote this to get attention," some people said. "This is a new low, even for Henry," Twitter users complained. "How does this dumb fuck even [...]

13

Why I Am Leaving the Muppets

From time to time, we offer our space to individuals with something to say and nowhere to say it. On the occasion of this week's release of the recent film The Muppets on DVD (a "DVD" is what they had before Netflix Instant) and the announcement that a new Muppets movie is expected soon, here is M.B. Cluckerton.

Today is my last day at Disney Muppet Global. After almost 30 years crammed in the back of Fozzie’s car—starting out as a summer intern at Fraggle Rep in Williamstown, then doing yellow-chick understudy work at Muppets Dubai—I can honestly say that the environment now is as toxic and salmonella-ridden as I [...]

27

I Enjoy Being A Lesbian

From time to time, the Awl offers its space to members of the community with an interesting viewpoint on current events. Today we hear from a lesbian blogger who wants you to know what her experiences are like.

You know what I really like? Cats, knitting, my blog and the Indigo Girls. But that's not all there is to being a lesbian, which I am. In a lot of ways, we're just like everyone else. Let me tell you a little bit about my day! It's probably not too dissimilar to yours.

29

The Myth Of The Constitutional "Right To Party"

From time to time The Awl offers its editorial space to those whose usual forums may be too crowded with similar material. Opinions are the writer's own; the Awl does not endorse these opinions.

This week, an antiquated collective has returned to revisit the popular, long-held contention that we, as Americans, have a constitutional guarantee to party without fear of regulation. This attempt to hijack the national conversation is the work of aging agitators making a last-gasp effort to sow confusion and increase the potential for chaos on a national level. Once again, America is faced with a grim declaration from an interest group determined to "fight" for its [...]

12

I Have A Sickness: A Doritos Sickness

From time to time, we offer free editorial space to common folk with something to say. Today, the subject of a documentary which appeared during last night's Super Bowl discusses his strange compulsion.

I hear the hatred. I am aware of the mockery and the fear. How could it be otherwise? I’ve known it all my life. People point at me on the street in equal parts pity and disgust. Mothers will cross dangerous intersections, children in tow, in hopes of avoiding me. My employment history is an entirely predictable picture of vicissitude; I am hired, I spend a couple of weeks on the job, and then HR finds [...]

16

Please Don't Get The Wrong Idea About Our Amazing Output

From time to time, we offer free editorial space to folks from all walks of life who have something to get off their chests. Today we offer a captain of industry the chance to make an important statement about his product, which has sustained some unfortunate damage-through no fault of its own-in the news lately.

I don't have to tell you that I've been a little glum, a little down in the mouth lately. Old friends who used to greet me with rapturous joy and voluminous explosions of pleasure at the very promise of my appearance have started to avoid me. It almost feels like they'd rather be doing [...]

4

We Must Stop This Fourth "Jurassic Park" Movie

From time to time, we offer up this space for everyday New Yorkers with a point of view on the issues of the day.

It's a big week, with gay marriage up before those old fuckfaces in the Supreme Court, with hackers trying to take down our Netflix accounts, and with old straight men confessing their love of high-heeled boots and also apparently doing dudes during their midlife crisis. What an era in which we live! By which I mean, the Cenozoic. But more importantly, weighing heavily on all our minds, is the forthcoming Jurassic Park 4, which is expected to hit theaters next summer, which will be my first [...]

23

The Republican Party's Rape Problem

From time to time, the Awl offers its space to members of the community with an interesting viewpoint on current events. Today we hear from a Republican party strategist who is concerned with the party's recent difficulties at the federal level.

This morning, and over the next few days, you will see a lot of conversation about the ways in which the Republican party needs to change if it wants to return to being a successful power in national politics. While there will be a number of arguments about demographics, economic opportunity and social outreach, it seems pretty clear that the most important thing the Republican party needs to do [...]

126

I've Become an Amazing Mom in the Six Hours I've Been Sober

From time to time we offer our space to normal, every-day people with opinions to share.

The bottles clinking in the bottom of the stroller, the shame of my own special sippy cups I'd sneak in the pumping booth at the office: it was all too much for me, so I stopped drinking six hours ago. Earlier today I was an alcoholic mom with a secret; now, I'm a proud mom in recovery, who's learned from her mistakes, with the help of my partner, Brechlin [not his real name], who threw me out of the house late last night but let me back in earlier this morning. I'm all better! [...]

8

A Modest Proposal for Preventing Medicare from Being a Burden on Taxpayers

From time to time, we offer free space to citizens with something to say. Today, Congressman (and former Oscar Meyer Wienermobile driver) Paul Ryan has a new crazy proposal that explains how Medicare can be saved—delivered in his own, inimitable language.

It makes the youth of the nation and the working class melancholy when they hear senior citizens importuning our elected officials on both sides to preserve Medicare in its current form. These seniors, instead of being able to make themselves useful, are forced to employ all their time writing letters-to-the-editor and calling their legislators.

Probably all Americans agree that the overflowing Medicare needs of seniors, [...]

23

I Am an Oppressed Minority White Man and I Am Upset

From time to time, but mostly on Fridays, when we're tired, The Awl gives over its editorial space to everyday citizens with a point of view. Opinions do not reflect yadda yadda, disclaimer disclaimer.

What the CNN says, for once, is true, buddy: We white folk, which is to say, non-Italians and non-Jews who look like white people, have on the front of their heads the new faces of racial discrimination. And everyone knows it: "A recent Public Religion Research Institute poll found 44% of Americans surveyed identify discrimination against whites as being just as big as bigotry aimed at blacks and other minorities." Finally someone said it, [...]

36

Why Minnesota Mothers Are Doing Pretty Good

From time to time, we offer free editorial space to common folk with something to say. Today's topic for discussion concerns the issue of parenting, a subject that has been in the news lately.

Nobody wonders how Minnesota parents raise such stereotypically stereotypical kids. They never wonder what these parents do to produce so many nice children or what it's like inside a nice family. Well, I can tell them anyway, because I've done it. If it's not too much trouble and you have a minute, here are some things my daughters, Jenny and Cristi, were never allowed to do:

• Skip doing their homework • Put their [...]