And so concludes this season of poetic football picks.
San Francisco -3.5 Baltimore
Baltimore is one of my favorite places All the tasty crabs, all the friendly faces I like going to watch the Orioles And checking out “The Wire” rows
And so is San Francisco with its cool fog hanging out in the poetry room of City Lights agog I particularly love eating at House of Nanking And just kinda ordering one of everything
Saturday, January 12
At Denver -9.5 Baltimore
We all know that Ray Lewis can still dance. But catch a sure interception? Fat chance. He looks like RoboCop with that arm brace. And half a season out has slowed his pace. Can the Ravens win? It’s up to Flacco. Picking them here might seem kinda wacko. Mile High Stadium air is pretty thin And old guys tend to get tired therein. Peyton Manning leads a vicious attack. He gets five touchdowns from flat on his back. Knowshon Moreno can carry the ball Will the Purple Guys stand up like dry wall? Against the Ravens defense I won’t bet. And [...]
Thursday, December 6
Denver -10 At Oakland
Peyton Manning will recreate the flashlight scene from Manhandled 4. PICK: RAIDERS
Sunday, December 9
At Washington -2.5 Baltimore
Bet on RG3; fix your Fiscal Cliff! Lead us to a late field goal. PICK: REDSKINS
Thursday, November 15
At Buffalo -2.5 Miami
C. J. Spiller is very fast and dangerous so I will Bill-lieve! PICK: BILLS
Sunday, November 18
At Washington -3.5 Philadelphia
All Eagles’ players ought to emulate Nick Foles’ awesome mullet 'doo. PICK: REDSKINS
Thursday, October 25
At Minnesota -6 Tampa Bay
Vikings should crush Bucs. Flip channels only during World Series innings. PICK: VIKINGS
Sunday, October 28
New England -7 St. Louis (At London)
New England visits Regular England. Brady Defects to Man U. PICK: PATRIOTS
Thursday, October 4
Arizona -1.5 At St. Louis
The Cardinals still are Undefeated but seem ripe For a huge letdown. PICK: RAMS
Sunday, October 7
Atlanta -3 At Washington
Matty Ryan used to bull's-eye womp rats in his T-16 back home. PICK: FALCONS
At Pittsburgh -3.5 Philadelphia
Michael Vick is one Sack away from becoming A McRib Sandwich. PICK: STEELERS
Thursday, September 13
At Green Bay -5 Chicago Home games at Lambeau shouldn’t happen until the tundra is frozen. PICK: BEARS
Sunday, September 16
At NY Giants -7.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense surprisingly stout but the Giants should play angry. PICK: GIANTS
At New England -13.5 Arizona The Cardinals should chose a random fan for their starting quarterback. PICK: PATRIOTS
Sports nerds shouldn't be the only ones who get to say smart-sounding sports stuff during this weekend's big game. So here once again to provide you with some Super Bowl small talk is Jim Behrle, Awl football picks haiku-ist. Just for you, he's assembled these highly proprietary pieces of wisdom gained from a life lived in his mom's basement, playing Madden all day. Enjoy!
PRE-GAME
• "It wouldn't shock me to see deposed quarterback Alex Smith play a key role in the outcome of today's game. Just like when Deep Blue moved its rook all the way down the board against Garry Kasparov in a [...]
Saturday, December 22
Atlanta -3.5 At Detroit
Detroit really needs a new city government and a new head coach. PICK: FALCONS
Sunday, December 23
At Green Bay -12.5 Tennessee
I’d take the Titans and the points if you gave me seven billion points. PICK: PACKERS
Thursday, November 29
At Atlanta -3.5 New Orleans
Actual great game on the NFL Network! I’ll take that half point. PICK: SAINTS
Sunday, December 2
At Chicago – 3.5 Seattle
My heart says Seahawks but my heart doesn’t really make any money. PICK: BEARS
Thursday, November 8
Indianapolis -3.5 At Jacksonville
Jags on National Television! It's like why they canceled "Joey." PICK: COLTS
Sunday, November 11
At New England -11 Buffalo
Patriots, coming off the Bye, have installed spy helmet cameras. PICK: PATS
Thursday, October 18
At San Francisco -7 Seattle
Lose back-to-back games at home and Jim Harbaugh will go Supernova. PICK: SEAHAWKS
Sunday, October 21
At Buffalo -3 Tennessee
Bills are 3 and 3! Tied for First Place in the East! Enjoy, Buffalo! PICK: TITANS
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
At Baltimore -12 Cleveland
Browns have a chance if all the Ravens players get themselves arrested. PICK: BROWNS
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
New England -4 At Buffalo
Last time the Pats lost three games straight Massasoit was the quarterback. PICK: PATS
At Detroit -5 Minnesota
Lions' coach's weird plan to lose in overtime last week worked out great. PICK: LIONS
Wednesday, September 5
At NY Giants -4 Dallas
Giants will sleepwalk through the season and turn it on in the playoffs. PICK: GIANTS
Sunday, September 9
At Chicago -9.5 Indianapolis
Bears' great defense will contain Andrew Luck. But offense can't score. PICK: COLTS
January 20, San Francisco -4 at Atlanta
NO ONE THINKS THE FALCONS ARE GOOD ENOUGH: A VILLANELLE
No one thinks the Falcons are good enough, Even though they finally won a playoff game. The Niners are a complete team, they will be tough.
Quarterback Matt Ryan surely has the right stuff. Running back Michael Turner has been kind of lame. No one thinks the Falcons are good enough.
Thursday, December 13
Cincinnati -4.5 At Philadelphia
Bengals have taken the last few weeks off but the Eagles off all year. PICK: BENGALS
Sunday, December 16
Green Bay -3 At Chicago
Without Urlacher Bears Defense looks gooey like a deep crust pizza. PICK: PACKERS
Thursday, November 22—Thanksgiving!
Houston -3 At Detroit
While you are eating turkey the Lions will be getting their ass kicked. PICK: TEXANS
At Dallas -3 Washington
While you are taking a tryptophan nap Romo will be screwing up. PICK: REDSKINS
New England -6.5 At NY Jets
While you’re at a bar avoiding your family the Jets will still suck. PICK: PATRIOTS
Thursday, November 1
At San Diego -7.5 Kansas City
I’m hoping Chiefs’ star cornerback Brandon Flowers gets six pick sixes PICK: CHIEFS
Sunday, November 4
Denver -3.5 At Cincinnati
The Bengals will play great and then Peyton Manning will steal their candy. PICK: BRONCOS
At Green Bay -11 Arizona
I’m sick of losing cash betting against the Green Bay Packers every week. PICK: PACKERS
Thursday, October 11
Pittsburgh -6 At Tennessee
Troy Polamalu Is injured again. Titans avoid an execution. PICK: TITANS.
Biden -3 v. Ryan
Joe’s always gaffe-prone but Ryan tends to just make shit completely up. PICK: BIDEN
Sunday, October 14
Cincinnati -1 At Cleveland
I grew up Democrat. I have a soft spot for all pathetic losers. PICK: BROWNS
Thursday, September 20
At Carolina -2.5 NY Giants
Cam Newton versus Giants' torched secondary? I smell barbeque! PICK: PANTHERS
Sunday, September 23
At Chicago -7.5 St. Louis
Jay Cutler is not one of those quarterbacks that you want on your team. PICK: RAMS
At Dallas -8 Tampa Bay
Most of Mitt Romney’s 47% are Dallas Cowboy fans. PICK: COWBOYS
