Game Misconduct
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An Epic Poem Pick For The Super Bowl

And so concludes this season of poetic football picks.

San Francisco -3.5 Baltimore

Baltimore is one of my favorite places All the tasty crabs, all the friendly faces I like going to watch the Orioles And checking out “The Wire” rows

And so is San Francisco with its cool fog hanging out in the poetry room of City Lights agog I particularly love eating at House of Nanking And just kinda ordering one of everything

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NFL Playoff Sonnet Picks

Saturday, January 12

At Denver -9.5 Baltimore

We all know that Ray Lewis can still dance. But catch a sure interception? Fat chance. He looks like RoboCop with that arm brace. And half a season out has slowed his pace. Can the Ravens win? It’s up to Flacco. Picking them here might seem kinda wacko. Mile High Stadium air is pretty thin And old guys tend to get tired therein. Peyton Manning leads a vicious attack. He gets five touchdowns from flat on his back. Knowshon Moreno can carry the ball Will the Purple Guys stand up like dry wall? Against the Ravens defense I won’t bet. And [...]

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 14

Thursday, December 6

Denver -10 At Oakland

Peyton Manning will recreate the flashlight scene from Manhandled 4. PICK: RAIDERS

Sunday, December 9

At Washington -2.5 Baltimore

Bet on RG3; fix your Fiscal Cliff! Lead us to a late field goal. PICK: REDSKINS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 11

Thursday, November 15

At Buffalo -2.5 Miami

C. J. Spiller is very fast and dangerous so I will Bill-lieve! PICK: BILLS

Sunday, November 18

At Washington -3.5 Philadelphia

All Eagles’ players ought to emulate Nick Foles’ awesome mullet 'doo. PICK: REDSKINS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 8

Thursday, October 25

At Minnesota -6 Tampa Bay

Vikings should crush Bucs. Flip channels only during World Series innings. PICK: VIKINGS

Sunday, October 28

New England -7 St. Louis (At London)

New England visits Regular England. Brady Defects to Man U. PICK: PATRIOTS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 5

Thursday, October 4

Arizona -1.5 At St. Louis

The Cardinals still are Undefeated but seem ripe For a huge letdown. PICK: RAMS

Sunday, October 7

Atlanta -3 At Washington

Matty Ryan used to bull's-eye womp rats in his T-16 back home. PICK: FALCONS

At Pittsburgh -3.5 Philadelphia

Michael Vick is one Sack away from becoming A McRib Sandwich. PICK: STEELERS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 2

Thursday, September 13

At Green Bay -5 Chicago Home games at Lambeau shouldn’t happen until the tundra is frozen. PICK: BEARS

Sunday, September 16

At NY Giants -7.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense surprisingly stout but the Giants should play angry. PICK: GIANTS

At New England -13.5 Arizona The Cardinals should chose a random fan for their starting quarterback. PICK: PATRIOTS

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Smart, Sportsy Things For You To Say During Super Bowl XLVII

Sports nerds shouldn't be the only ones who get to say smart-sounding sports stuff during this weekend's big game. So here once again to provide you with some Super Bowl small talk is Jim Behrle, Awl football picks haiku-ist. Just for you, he's assembled these highly proprietary pieces of wisdom gained from a life lived in his mom's basement, playing Madden all day. Enjoy!

PRE-GAME

• "It wouldn't shock me to see deposed quarterback Alex Smith play a key role in the outcome of today's game. Just like when Deep Blue moved its rook all the way down the board against Garry Kasparov in a [...]

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 16

Saturday, December 22

Atlanta -3.5 At Detroit

Detroit really needs a new city government and a new head coach. PICK: FALCONS

Sunday, December 23

At Green Bay -12.5 Tennessee

I’d take the Titans and the points if you gave me seven billion points. PICK: PACKERS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 13

Thursday, November 29

At Atlanta -3.5 New Orleans

Actual great game on the NFL Network! I’ll take that half point. PICK: SAINTS

Sunday, December 2

At Chicago – 3.5 Seattle

My heart says Seahawks but my heart doesn’t really make any money. PICK: BEARS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 10

Thursday, November 8

Indianapolis -3.5 At Jacksonville

Jags on National Television! It's like why they canceled "Joey." PICK: COLTS

Sunday, November 11

At New England -11 Buffalo

Patriots, coming off the Bye, have installed spy helmet cameras. PICK: PATS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 7

Thursday, October 18

At San Francisco -7 Seattle

Lose back-to-back games at home and Jim Harbaugh will go Supernova. PICK: SEAHAWKS

Sunday, October 21

At Buffalo -3 Tennessee

Bills are 3 and 3! Tied for First Place in the East! Enjoy, Buffalo! PICK: TITANS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 4

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

At Baltimore -12 Cleveland

Browns have a chance if all the Ravens players get themselves arrested. PICK: BROWNS

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

New England -4 At Buffalo

Last time the Pats lost three games straight Massasoit was the quarterback. PICK: PATS

At Detroit -5 Minnesota

Lions' coach's weird plan to lose in overtime last week worked out great. PICK: LIONS

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The Kickoff Of Football Pick Haikus

Wednesday, September 5

At NY Giants -4 Dallas

Giants will sleepwalk through the season and turn it on in the playoffs. PICK: GIANTS

Sunday, September 9

At Chicago -9.5 Indianapolis

Bears' great defense will contain Andrew Luck. But offense can't score. PICK: COLTS

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NFL Championship Villanelle Picks

January 20, San Francisco -4 at Atlanta

NO ONE THINKS THE FALCONS ARE GOOD ENOUGH: A VILLANELLE

No one thinks the Falcons are good enough, Even though they finally won a playoff game. The Niners are a complete team, they will be tough.

Quarterback Matt Ryan surely has the right stuff. Running back Michael Turner has been kind of lame. No one thinks the Falcons are good enough.

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 15

Thursday, December 13

Cincinnati -4.5 At Philadelphia

Bengals have taken the last few weeks off but the Eagles off all year. PICK: BENGALS

Sunday, December 16

Green Bay -3 At Chicago

Without Urlacher Bears Defense looks gooey like a deep crust pizza. PICK: PACKERS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 12

Thursday, November 22—Thanksgiving!

Houston -3 At Detroit

While you are eating turkey the Lions will be getting their ass kicked. PICK: TEXANS

At Dallas -3 Washington

While you are taking a tryptophan nap Romo will be screwing up. PICK: REDSKINS

New England -6.5 At NY Jets

While you’re at a bar avoiding your family the Jets will still suck. PICK: PATRIOTS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 9

Thursday, November 1

At San Diego -7.5 Kansas City

I’m hoping Chiefs’ star cornerback Brandon Flowers gets six pick sixes PICK: CHIEFS

Sunday, November 4

Denver -3.5 At Cincinnati

The Bengals will play great and then Peyton Manning will steal their candy. PICK: BRONCOS

At Green Bay -11 Arizona

I’m sick of losing cash betting against the Green Bay Packers every week. PICK: PACKERS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 6

Thursday, October 11

Pittsburgh -6 At Tennessee

Troy Polamalu Is injured again. Titans avoid an execution. PICK: TITANS.

Biden -3 v. Ryan

Joe’s always gaffe-prone but Ryan tends to just make shit completely up. PICK: BIDEN

Sunday, October 14

Cincinnati -1 At Cleveland

I grew up Democrat. I have a soft spot for all pathetic losers. PICK: BROWNS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 3

Thursday, September 20

At Carolina -2.5 NY Giants

Cam Newton versus Giants' torched secondary? I smell barbeque! PICK: PANTHERS

Sunday, September 23

At Chicago -7.5 St. Louis

Jay Cutler is not one of those quarterbacks that you want on your team. PICK: RAMS

At Dallas -8 Tampa Bay

Most of Mitt Romney’s 47% are Dallas Cowboy fans. PICK: COWBOYS