My Own Private….

Mangaung 1 Iceland 2 Tokyo 3 India 4 Omaha 5

Alamo 6 B.O. 7 Pyramid 8 Architecture 9 Asparagus festival 10

Hero 11 Librarian 12 Spaceship 13 Hammer time 14

Kalifornia 15 Germany 16 Cuba 17 Wichita 18 Iowa 19 Wyoming 20

Focus group 21 Bollywood 22 Instagram 23 Goldman testimony 24 Nietzsche 25


There's A Special Place In Hell…

For witches.1 For vampires once they're staked or burned.2 For the Halloween spoilers.3 For puppeteers like Paxton.4

For the systems integrators.5

For a number of Federal court judges, As I am sure there will be for Members of Congress.6 For non-disabled drivers who sport a handicapped placard on the dash And park free all day at a downtown metered spot.7


Like The Man Says…

If you try to use booze to solve a problem, 
 One day you're gonna discover that you have two problems.1 It's one hell of a double act.2

People talk about the joy of sex, 
 But it don't last nothin' like shootin' anvils.3 When they lay you on the table, better keep your business clean.4 
If it’s out there, it’s in here.5

Show me a love story and I'll show you a tragedy.6 Eternal vigilance is where it’s at.7


"Sit On My Face"

He ordered. 1 He implored, barely audible. 2

Nina's expression doesn't change. 3 Would that turn you on, boob momma? 4 Because I am one horny motherfucker! 5

For another couple of minutes. 6 If you pay me enough. 7 And tell me that you love me. 8 For a bit. 9

Perfectly, he said. 10 Yeah. 11 By accident. 12

Stevie Nicks! 13 “HELL NO!” 14 “Man.” 15 Chorused a third. 16

ANY TIME. 17 Anytime. 18

1. Letters To Penthouse XXVII: The First Time Is the Hottest [source]

2. Pleasures of the Flesh, John Patrick [source]

3. The Way the [...]


Yes, Virginia

There is a gender wage gap.1 There is a real world.2 There is poop in your well.3

There is hope.4 There is a G-Spot.5 There is a Bob Hope.6

Regular folks can be taught to code.7 Black love still exists.8 Macy’s stock is a good value Even near highs.9


What We Talk About When We Talk About…

Hitler 1 Kony 2 Anne Frank 3 Michele Bachmann 4 Ralph Sampson 5 "This Jeremy Lin Nigga" 6

Health care costs 7 Reproductive rights 8 Governance 9 SOPA 10 The rule of law 11 Dick 12


"Full Disclosure"

I'm an adviser to John McCain's campaign. 1 Siri calls me “Funk Deity.” 2 Aside from lessons in pole dancing——another fad workout sweeping Southern California——this may be the least macho exercise of all time. 3

I am not a cat person. 4 My mother was one for many years. 5 I am a professor of Shakespeare, among other subjects, at UCLA, and this has never happened to me. 6

I am a sucker for the man-befriends-nonhuman-creature genre of sitcoms. 7 I have no complaints about how much I make. 8

When the New America Foundation moves its offices in D.C., next week, Foreign Policy will become our tenants, but [...]


If I Weren’t An Actor…

I think I’d have gone mad.1 I’d probably be in prison or dead.2 I'd always look like someone out of Middle-earth.3

I’d be a lawyer.4 I’d be an event planner.5 I’d be a hypnotist, like Paul McKenna.6 I'd be a surgeon, like my dad.7

I would have been a journalist.8 I would have been a photographer.9


It is a truth universally acknowledged…

That a Muslim man, regardless of his fortune, must be in want of a nine-year-old virgin wife.1 That a single man in possession of a good fortune must be queer.2 That a Fallen Woman of good family must, soon or late, descend to whoredom.3 That a single girl in search of mysteries must occasionally be in want of a big damn knife.4

That strippers should not want to show preference for any individual customer— that all things being equal, all men behaving equally crudely, and all billfolds being equally sized, they should want to thrust their mounds underneath the noses of as many patrons as possible [...]