Burn It Down
1

Trauma Clickbaited

"You Won’t Believe How These Experiences are Impacting Your Health" is the headline for an article about the way in which "the connection between early childhood trauma and later health and behavioral problems is stronger than was previously recognized," so I think we can all agree that everything is irredeemably awful and it's the Internet's fault. Go home, everyone.

0

Everything Crazy

"The $599,000 one-bedroom unit in a Long Island City boutique condo had been listed on Streeteasy a mere 30 minutes when Pimmie Hoontrakul offered the full asking price, sight unseen."

6

Garbage Imitated

You know how dogs don't feel shame? They're not alone.

1

"I heard the Whole Foods salad bar is a good place to pick up chicks."

"I heard the Whole Foods salad bar is a good place to pick up chicks."

4

Person Didn't Do Thing: Every Story Ever From Now On

This account is hoax created by Italian journalist Tommasso Debenedetti

— Bob Dylan (@BobDylanTweets) December 11, 2013

"Contrary to widespread reports, Bob Dylan did not join Twitter this morning," is a sentence we were able to read here today in 2013, where everything is apparently bullshit and the past and future blend together in a horrible melange of the futile and the mundane. As you were.

4

Acronyms Weren't Invented In 2013, Helpful Story Informs

"11 Sexting Acronyms From the 1930s" is the headline we deserve here in 2013, I guess. Hopefully we'll all die soon. [Via]

0

Paper Says "The Next Grumpy Cat Could Be Right Here In New York" Like It's A Good Thing

"Several photogenic felines from the five boroughs are featured in the traveling 2013 Internet Cat Video Festival, landing in Brooklyn Friday."

3

Internet's Accomplishments Enumerated

"We like to blame the internet because it lets us off the hook. But it’s a bit like an alcoholic making a bottle of whisky bear the responsibility for his having drunk it, or a drug addict blaming her dealer for selling her a fix of heroin. The web is undoubtedly – pardon the rehab speak – a great facilitator for those of us who have a tendency towards distraction, and it is to blame for myriad pains in the buttocks: 'lolcats', 'selfies', 'vaguebooking', endless bloody passwords, endless bloody pictures of people’s coffee, know-it-all commenters, the phrase 'Is this really news?' (as used by aforementioned know-it-all commenters), viruses, perverts, Viagra [...]

2

The Briton Hadden Mausoleum Rotisserie

"To investigate the geography of selfie-taking, TIME built a database of more than 400,000 Instagram photos tagged 'selfie' that included geographic coordinates. In total, we ranked 459 cities to determine the selfiest places on earth."

4

You Won't Believe The Latest Stupid Trend Out Of Brooklyn

"The thick, flowing beards adorning hipsters from Williamsburg to Park Slope are driving follicly-challenged New Yorkers to a little-known but growing field of plastic surgery — facial hair transplants…. [Plastic surgeon Yael Halaas] said an increasing number of 'hip' and 'fashionable' young professionals in their 20s and 30s are seeking the procedure. 'I get a lot of detail-oriented people — artists, architects,' the doctor said, noting that beard-centric neighborhoods such as Williamsburg, Bushwick and Park Slope have each delivered four to five clients to [...]

0

Man Who Says "Vaping" And "Disruptive" In Same Sentence Somehow Not Immediately Beaten To Death

“Vaping is one of those new disruptive technologies that could very well overtake the tobacco business and tobacco companies,” says a man whose "swagger" is characterized as "not unwarranted."

Photo by Leszek Glasner, via Shutterstock

0

I Should Have Stopped At "EDM Brunch"

"Libation's EDM Brunch offered 7½ hours of electronic dance music with a side of eggs. Partygoers typically arrived in the early afternoon, some wearing glowstick-festooned headbands, sunglasses or bracelets, and by 2 p.m., tables around the club were littered with used napkins and half-finished mimosas. The breakfast burrito and fruit plate garnered rave reviews. Andi Cross and Lex Houser, the hosts of the party and the owners of Bad Kids Clothing, a line of EDM-inspired gear, danced and mingled with their guests. They hail from Philadelphia, a city with a less robust club scene. 'This party is bananas,' said Ms. Cross, wearing a foam banana suit. Standing behind her, Ms. [...]

1

Make It Stop

Forget everything I said before, let's just all stay very quiet and hope the year ends earlier than usual.

1

The Future Keeps Getting Worse

"Vaping Is the Fanboy-Charged Future of Cigarettes and Weed," is a headline I just read that helped me feel a lot better about the fact that I won't be around all that much longer. [Via]

3

Everything Is Based On Fraud And Deceit And In The End A Handful Of Rich People Will Be Holding On To The Only Things Of Value Left While The Rest Of Us Dance Sexy On Command For Crumbs In The Shanty Towns Outside Their Golden Gates

"The only way the loss-making venture-backed economy can keep chugging along is if there is a constant supply of new money coming in at ever-higher valuations, subsidizing low prices and making earlier investors whole."

0

Terrible Thing Made More Awful

Lately when I have been laying awake in bed as dawn comes on and wishing there were some way it would all simply cease I have shifted my final fantasy from a giant sheet of ice that freezes me forever to an asteroid that appears without warning and suddenly puts an end to everything (I blame Elizabeth Kolbert for putting this beautiful dream in my head). Unfortunately, one cannot sustain thoughts of personal extinction forever; the mind tends to drift, and this morning my reverie of eradication was interrupted by my [...]

2

Gimmick Patented

Raise your hand if you knew that the Internet would eventually evolve into a venue best suited for posting pictures of government documents confirming the commercial registration of hybrid croissant/doughnut pastries.

4

'Artisanal Gruel' Would Be A Good Name For A Band

"If a young Oliver Twist lived in Brooklyn in 2013, he would probably go to the Brooklyn Porridge Co., a Park Slope pop-up specializing in 'whole grain porridges.'"

0

Would You Rather Read A JFK Assassination Liveblog Or Watch Someone Take A Needle To The Eye?

Okay, I know I was all, hold out, we're going to get through this death orgy together, but they are not making it easy, particularly when your inbox fills up with stuff like this: To remember this tragic day and provide historical context to those who did not live through it, Boston.com will present a unique experience – a historically accurate live blog featuring a timeline of November 22, 1963 – as the site would have reported the assassination using today's technology…. A team of Boston.com digital producers and editors… have spent weeks gathering photos, videos, and [...]

1

This Is Why No One Takes The Concept Of "Tattoo Art" Seriously

I mean, I guess if you want to be sanguine about it you can tell yourself that we're all going to die soon anyway, what does it matter what kind of idiot markings people get on their skin. That's about the most upbeat advice I have to offer [...]