And Then There's This
3

Drunk People Are Watching Your Nukes

"The U.S. Energy Department’s watchdog says government agents hired to drive nuclear weapons and components in trucks sometimes got drunk on the job, including an incident last year when two agents were detained by police at a local bar during a convoy mission."

16

George W. Bush Is Content

Remember this guy? According to Matt Lauer, he "seems to be completely at peace with his surroundings." Isn't that great? Aren't you totally comforted by the fact that the dude is fully Zen? Doesn't it cheer you to know that the fella who set the bag ablaze can live life with an overwhelming sense of rectitude and equanimity? Seriously, this is good news for all of us: George W. Bush is showing America that no matter how badly you fuck things up, there's still a chance for personal redemption. I mean, that's what I'm taking away from it.

10

Dick Van Dyke Is The New Elian Gonzalez

"Porpoises rescue Dick Van Dyke: Mary Poppins star feared death after apparently falling asleep on his surfboard but friendly sea creatures pushed him to shore"

6

Save The Sunburned Whales

Today in total planetary collapse: "An increase in the number of whales with sunburnt skin has been documented by scientists after they took photographs and tissue samples of the animals. In the worst-hit species – the blue whale – researchers found that the numbers affected rose by 56 per cent between 2007 and 2009, which they said has 'worrying' implications for their health."