America's Wang
1

Yet Another Penis Bitten In Florida

"When her amorous advances were repeatedly rejected by her live-in boyfriend, Krystle Harrison allegedly 'bit his penis' in retaliation, police allege."

13

Local Man is Irritated: In Defense of Tallahassee

“No person or entity maintaining, owning, or operating an establishment dealing in alcoholic beverages shall encourage, allow or permit any person to appear nude or to expose to public view his or her genitals, pubic area, vulva, anus, or any portion of the buttocks or simulation thereof. This section shall be violated if any portion of the buttocks is visible from any vantage point.” —Here is an extremely ardent and serious defense of Tallahassee, which has no strip clubs.

2

Florida's Lieutenant Governor Quits Over Minor Scandal Involving Illegal Gambling, Racketeering, and $250 Million In Money Laundering

"Florida Lieutenant Governor Jennifer Carroll has resigned because a firm she once consulted for has been linked to a racketeering case, the Miami Herald reported …. The Florida Department of Law Enforcement scheduled an afternoon news conference in Orlando to discuss a racketeering investigation involving Allied Veterans of the World, a nonprofit organization that runs Internet cafes." —Governor Rick Scott has lost his anti-gay Romney-supporting number two in a scandal involving illegal gambling software and Internet cafes. And apparently there is racketeering and money laundering going on in Florida!

5

And the Award for America's Most Dysfunctional City Goes To…

This is how you do it in the new South, which is the new Wild Wild West: "Miami police chief says he was offered $400,000 to leave the city." Oh yeah! You can't get the goods to fire the chief of police—Somehow? Despite "a botched anti-corruption probe, and videos showing officers beating partiers on Halloween" and a reality show pilot that was like a Steven Seagal movie but more racist—you just offer him something shy of half a million to slink away. Good stuff: "The battle between the police chief and the mayor began over a year ago, in April 2010, after a series of botched, high-profile [...]

12

Florida Child Born in Florida Manner

"Ana Johana Irias, 26, was using an ATM near Northwest 36th Street and 13th Avenue when a teenager drove by one a bike and snatched her $800 gold necklace from around her neck. Despite being more than eight months pregnant, Irias decided to chase down the crook…. The crook eventually escaped by hop[p]ing over a fence…. Police convinced Irias to get checked out at Jackson-Memorial Hospital. Doctors there discovered that she was in labor, and shortly after the new year's came, at 12:15 to be exact, Irias gave birth to 6 pound, 6 ounce baby girl named Kimberly." —Naturally.