It is rare that a single local news story so fully encapsulates the tenor of the times, but when it does happen, boy, have you ever got something special on your hands.
"[D]espite their lack of trips to the podium, American Olympians are running a healthy surplus in another area: the sheer number of excuses being made—both by the athletes and by others on their behalf."
Police officers from Caldwell, Idaho, are facing criticism for not properly disposing of the corpses of the crows they have shot to death in the line of duty. On the days when I feel as though I have finally had enough of this city and it is time for me to move somewhere more sedate and less congested it is incredibly helpful to see stories like this that let me know what the rest of the country is actually like. Don't make me go there, I promise I'll be good.
One of the first things you learn when you write on the Internet is to never refer to chiropractors as "fake back doctors," because oh my God, the email from crazy people never stops. So I will just mention that this story about a fake back doctor who is suing a kid who he coached in Little League for an injury sustained when the kid threw his helmet in the air in celebration is a terrific example of what makes local news great, i.e. the part where the reporter re-enacts the story on his own. It's pretty classic.
Nashville Couple Expelled From Mall For Festive Dress No More Freakish And Depressing Than Anyone Else In Tennessee
Do you think future generations will look back at us in horror and disgust because standards will have evolved to the point where we seem like savages for not having erected giant roadside memorials honoring the tragic highway chicken fatalities that happen along our nation's arteries with regrettable frequency? It's a trick question, because the odds are there aren't going to be very many future generations, and even if we somehow do survive as a species for another hundred years I am pretty sure the direction in which our sensibilities are headed is going to be one where we only express emotions about those who can do something for [...]
Let's play a game: How many bad marijuana puns can you find in this local news report about Weed Row in Snohomish County, WA? Hahaha, just kidding, they're ALL BAD.
Ugh, America, I think I'd rather read another round of opinions on whether "Girls" accurately represents the struggle and ambivalence of the women at its center or if it is actually a slightly highbrow attempt at the titillation of 50-year-old men with HBO subscriptions and the sense that they are missing out on things than hear about this. I mean, assuming those are the only options at this point.
"Not allowing myself to be bullied by the vocal minority is… the war I want to win," says an Oregon football coach who refused to relent when the forces of oppression tried to prevent him from taking his middle school charges to a local Hooters for an awards dinner.
Ineffable Sadness Of Life In These United States Finds Expression In Form Of Local Texas News Story About Proper Attire For McDonald's Diners
Somehow it is not even Friday yet.
"The Iowa Faith and Freedom Coalition gathered in Cedar Rapids Monday night to hear from the three Republican candidates for the Senate nomination. The candidates had trouble differentiating themselves ideologically, as all hewed faithfully to the right-wing line, until David Young promised that 'as a Senator, he would invite New York Senator Chuck Schumer to lunch so that he could share the good news of Jesus Christ.'"
"A bill introduced by a Wichita lawmaker would ease some restrictions on spanking in Kansas, allowing parents, caregivers or school officials to hit children hard enough to leave redness or bruising…. The proposed legislation, House Bill 2699, would define corporal punishment as “up to 10 forceful applications in succession of a bare, open-hand palm against the clothed buttocks of a child.” The bill also would allow “reasonable physical force” to restrain a child during a spanking, “acknowledging that redness or bruising may occur on the tender skin of a child as a result.” It would continue to ban hitting a child with fists, in [...]
“We don't acknowledge that one exists. But if you wanted to shoot and kill a Bigfoot in the state of Texas, you would just need a hunting license,” Major Larry Young of Texas Parks and Wildlife told the Houston Chronicle. In response, a representative for PETA noted that, "As an organization we do oppose hunting of any kind. It's cruel and unnecessary and can damage populations and ecosystems." Fair enough, but we're having a hard time finding any scientific citations for the claim that shooting Bigfoot could damage the ecosystem of Texas.
"If you are going screw with an American Classic in such a pandering manner, at least have the guts to do so in a truly revolutionary fashion." —This could probably be said about anything, so you won't exactly be shocked to see what the subject is, but I sometimes wish we could save the outrage for something that really deserves it, like honey-flavored bourbon.
We Have To Take Our Shoes Off To Fly But Woman Is Shocked That She Can't Carry A Tiny Gun Onto A Plane
"I think we could summarize it with the hashtags," is the takeaway from this news story that proves we are well within the stupid season of holiday stories and the new year can't come soon enough. But it's Friday, so there's that.
As the great Butch Hancock noted of his birthplace, "Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in Hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth and you should save it for someone you love." It's our contradictions that make us beautiful in the eyes of the Lord, I guess. Anyway, I love how the people they talk to about this billboard are like, "Yeah, maybe I'll look it up next time I'm online or whatever." I guess that counts as a kind of storm.
The promise of this country used to be if you worked hard and played by the rules you would be okay and your kids would be a little bit better off than you were. Now we live with the hope that maybe we'll find free money in a box of junk food. Oh well, we had a good run.