Ain't That America
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If No One Is Around To See A Big Bang Did It Really Happen?

"[W]hile some Americans balk at knowing what they prefer to think is unknowable, they embrace science when it relates to their bodies and their health. Jorge Delarosa, a 39-year-old architect from Bridgewater, N.J., pointed to a warm 2012 without a winter and said, 'I feel the change. There must be a reason.' But he questions the Big Bang theory because 'I wasn’t there.'"

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Nation's Einsteins Have Opinions On 911 Call

The next time you are decrying the increasing level of stupidity our species seems competitive about displaying and someone says to you, "Oh, relax, people are actually getting smarter, there has never been a better time for human ingenuity and we are all wiser and more informed than ever before, why are you always such a downer, Alex?" you can point them to this "news" story, and I am not even talking about the story itself, you can just point them to the "social media reacts!" part. I mean, there's PLENTY of stupidity to go around, but if you're pressed for time the Twitter stuff will surely suit your [...]

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The Only Thing That Stops A Bad Floridian With A Gun Is A Good Floridian With A Gun

"As Floridians sense that other Floridians plan to shoot first, they buy more guns."

3

For Dead Chickens, A Monument Denied

Do you think future generations will look back at us in horror and disgust because standards will have evolved to the point where we seem like savages for not having erected giant roadside memorials honoring the tragic highway chicken fatalities that happen along our nation's arteries with regrettable frequency? It's a trick question, because the odds are there aren't going to be very many future generations, and even if we somehow do survive as a species for another hundred years I am pretty sure the direction in which our sensibilities are headed is going to be one where we only express emotions about those who can do something for [...]

1

You Need To Be High To Hear All These Pot Puns

Let's play a game: How many bad marijuana puns can you find in this local news report about Weed Row in Snohomish County, WA? Hahaha, just kidding, they're ALL BAD.

2

Wedgie Fatal

Ugh, America, I think I'd rather read another round of opinions on whether "Girls" accurately represents the struggle and ambivalence of the women at its center or if it is actually a slightly highbrow attempt at the titillation of 50-year-old men with HBO subscriptions and the sense that they are missing out on things than hear about this. I mean, assuming those are the only options at this point.

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Football Coach Takes Bold Stand Against Bullying

"Not allowing myself to be bullied by the vocal minority is… the war I want to win," says an Oregon football coach who refused to relent when the forces of oppression tried to prevent him from taking his middle school charges to a local Hooters for an awards dinner.

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Is America's Love Affair With Living In Its Automobiles Coming To An End?

"The law in its majesty forbids both the rich and the poor to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets and steal bread," Anatole France famously declared, but he also died in 1924, so he wasn't alive long enough to add, "or live in their cars," which is happening now.

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Lid Blown Off Shocking "White Girls" Story

"A high school newspaper headline is stirring up controversy in Rio Rancho. Some call it offensive; others deem it a joke, but either way the headline 'No money for Starbucks #WhiteGirlProbz' didn’t go unnoticed. The article goes into other topics, from what 'white girls' eat to how they dress. 'They think white girls are completely different from everybody else,' said freshman Jordan Smith. 'It doesn't make any sense to me.'" [Via]

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As If Living In Kansas Weren't Punishment Enough

"A bill introduced by a Wichita lawmaker would ease some restrictions on spanking in Kansas, allowing parents, caregivers or school officials to hit children hard enough to leave redness or bruising…. The proposed legislation, House Bill 2699, would define corporal punishment as “up to 10 forceful applications in succession of a bare, open-hand palm against the clothed buttocks of a child.” The bill also would allow “reasonable physical force” to restrain a child during a spanking, “acknowledging that redness or bruising may occur on the tender skin of a child as a result.” It would continue to ban hitting a child with fists, in [...]

3

Bigfoot Just Another Thing You Can Legally Kill In Texas

“We don't acknowledge that one exists. But  if you wanted to shoot and kill a Bigfoot in the state of Texas, you would just need a hunting license,” Major Larry Young of Texas Parks and Wildlife told the Houston Chronicle. In response, a representative for PETA noted that, "As an organization we do oppose hunting of any kind. It's cruel and unnecessary and can damage populations and ecosystems." Fair enough, but we're having a hard time finding any scientific citations for the claim that shooting Bigfoot could damage the ecosystem of Texas.

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Disgusting Thing Briefly Offering More Disgusting Options

"If you are going screw with an American Classic in such a pandering manner, at least have the guts to do so in a truly revolutionary fashion." —This could probably be said about anything, so you won't exactly be shocked to see what the subject is, but I sometimes wish we could save the outrage for something that really deserves it, like honey-flavored bourbon.

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We Have To Take Our Shoes Off To Fly But Woman Is Shocked That She Can't Carry A Tiny Gun Onto A Plane

"I think we could summarize it with the hashtags," is the takeaway from this news story that proves we are well within the stupid season of holiday stories and the new year can't come soon enough. But it's Friday, so there's that.

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Tattooed Jesus Takes Lubbock By Storm

As the great Butch Hancock noted of his birthplace, "Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in Hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth and you should save it for someone you love." It's our contradictions that make us beautiful in the eyes of the Lord, I guess. Anyway, I love how the people they talk to about this billboard are like, "Yeah, maybe I'll look it up next time I'm online or whatever." I guess that counts as a kind of storm.

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Gun-Toting Baristas Dispense Caffeine, Justice

There are some pretty intense sound effects that open and close this story, just FYI. Anyway, if you haven't read our barista story yet this is the perfect opportunity, and if you have read it already, read it again, but this time imagine the writer is strapped through the whole thing. It really adds to the complexity of the piece.

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Bigfoot Carcass Display Exemplifies The Spirit Of Our Age

It is rare that a single local news story so fully encapsulates the tenor of the times, but when it does happen, boy, have you ever got something special on your hands.

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Athletes American

"[D]espite their lack of trips to the podium, American Olympians are running a healthy surplus in another area: the sheer number of excuses being made—both by the athletes and by others on their behalf."

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Crow Carnage In Canyon County Ruffles Feathers

Police officers from Caldwell, Idaho, are facing criticism for not properly disposing of the corpses of the crows they have shot to death in the line of duty. On the days when I feel as though I have finally had enough of this city and it is time for me to move somewhere more sedate and less congested it is incredibly helpful to see stories like this that let me know what the rest of the country is actually like. Don't make me go there, I promise I'll be good.

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Injury Recounted

One of the first things you learn when you write on the Internet is to never refer to chiropractors as "fake back doctors," because oh my God, the email from crazy people never stops. So I will just mention that this story about a fake back doctor who is suing a kid who he coached in Little League for an injury sustained when the kid threw his helmet in the air in celebration is a terrific example of what makes local news great, i.e. the part where the reporter re-enacts the story on his own. It's pretty classic.

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Nashville Couple Expelled From Mall For Festive Dress No More Freakish And Depressing Than Anyone Else In Tennessee

"Wore Costume"