From The Archives
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Question Hrmm

An example of the insightful questions that some venture capitalists must ask before they decide to shower an app with money, so much money: Robyn Exton, the founder and chief executive of Dattch, a location-based dating app aimed at lesbians, once pitched her product to a venture capitalist who asked a colleague, ">Do you think if I invest, people will think I’m gay?"

Obviously, the answer is super.

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2

Words Helpful for Once

"But let’s stop here and register the proper cautions and caveats: There has been no investigation, no conclusive proof. (And there won’t necessarily be a proper and convincing investigation, either, considering the deliberately chaotic and militarized state of eastern Ukraine these days, and Russia’s clear interests.) We shouldn’t pretend to know for certain what we don’t." —Here is the moment at which you can tell that you're reading the right piece, or at least not the wrong piece, about Ukraine, today. (Since publishing, the incriminating tapes mentioned have appeared online.)

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2

The Pathos of Pageviews

"We are, absolutely, a page-view-driven site even though we don’t want to be," said Mr. Magnin of Thought Catalog. "Every writer wants to do well, and 'do well' means get more Twitter followers."

Imagine the day that the highly emotional new new internet completes its project to convert share metrics into the only acceptable form of currency. Go ahead, just revel in it. Renting this apartment requires forty thousand Twitter followers, with fewer than twenty-five percent of them being bots. The price for this dinner is a thousand Instagram followers and thirty-seven likes per photo. You can enter the Jeff Koons retrospective after sending Yos to six friends, three [...]

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1

Man Has Point

"I'm ashamed of you. You're what’s wrong with this country." — Senator Jay Rockefeller of West Virginia, not incorrectly, to executives from companies that manufacture or market e-cigarettes.

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11

Word Somewhat Powerful

"[REDACTED]: the new word that will make your life slightly simpler, forever." — Is it "death?" Maybe "money?" Or perhaps it's "Vitamix" or "delivery laundry," but that's two words, hmm. I've found that the word "no" is effective for making life simpler; but in rare cases, "yes" works too.

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1

Plant Sensational

Q: "Will Camu Camu Be The Next Amazonian 'It' Fruit?."

A: Eh.

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0

A Flood Flash

A flash flood warning has been issued for New York City and the surrounding areas: Now the flood was on the earth long enough to be annoying. The waters increased and lifted up the refuse piled along the curb, and it rose high above the earth. The waters prevailed and greatly increased on the streets, and the garbage moved about on the surface of the waters. And the waters prevailed exceedingly on the earth, and all the high hills under the whole heaven were covered, except in parts of Brooklyn, where the hills are higher still. The waters prevailed fifteen cubits or whatever upward, and the sidewalks were [...]

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5

Reasons to Weep

“You know what makes me want to cry? I think whoever the next Facebook is, why would you ever start that company here in the United States?” — Heather Bresch, the daughter of West Virginia senator Joe Manchin, and C.E.O. of the Pennsylvania-based pharmaceutical giant Mylar, who is "reluctantly" acquiring Abbott Laboratories in order to re-incorporate in the Netherlands where it will pay an eventual tax rate in the "high teens," rather than the 25 percent it pays now.

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3

Dog Maligned

Tom Junod, noted potential fucker of hot forty-two-year-old women, on the American pit bull crisis: Every year, American shelters have to kill about 1.2 million dogs. But both pro- and anti-pit-bull organizations estimate that of these, anywhere from 800,000 to nearly 1 million are pit bulls. We kill anywhere from 2,000 to 3,000 pit bulls a day. They are rising simultaneously in popularity and disposability, becoming something truly American, a popular dog forever poised on the brink of extermination.

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1

The State of the Media is Strong or Maybe the Opposite of Strong

"Shares in the Times rose/fell tk to tk as of tk time on Friday."

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0

Twitter Perfect

#MIAMI #LEBRON #DECISION #FAIRWEATHERBOYS

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2

Electorate Well-Stressed

"The survey of more than 2,500 Americans found that about 1 in 4 said they had experienced a 'great deal' of stress in the previous month. And these stressed-out people said one of the biggest contributors to their day-to-day stress was watching, reading or listening to the news."

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6

A Unified Theory of Why Money Makes No Sense Right Now

A theory as to why the rent is too damn high and a potato salad is ten thousand dollars and Uber is ten billion dollars and you'll have to buy reservations for restaurants like concert tickets and tickets for Transformers 4 in IMAX are like twenty-five dollars so that it made three hundred million dollars its opening weekend: Welcome to the Everything Boom — and, quite possibly, the Everything Bubble. Around the world, nearly every asset class is expensive by historical standards. Stocks and bonds; emerging markets and advanced economies; urban office towers and Iowa farmland; you name it, and it is trading at prices that are high by [...]

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0

Hotel Ballroom Utilized

In his next song, which is about using his wife’s dildo while she’s out of town and is sung to the tune of 'Love In An Elevator' by Aerosmith, Seamonkey brings out an inflatable penis with two cans of silly string taped to the testicles, and starts to spray the crowd. Anderson and his friends howl with delight.

I mean: Maybe Weird Al was never really funny on the merits. Maybe it was mostly just circumstances, the songs' unlikely production, that made everyone so happy. A song called "Eat It" released nationally by a major record label? On the radio? Nice. A Kickstarter to make potato salad that has [...]

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1

Brutalism Briefly Unbullied

Paul Rudolph's cube-y little marvel of building, the Orange County Government Center in Goshen, New York—one of the many Brutalist buildings subjected to whinnying opposition by faux-aesthetes—is one step closer to salvation. The county has agreed to entertain hotel designer Gene Kaufman's proposal to renovate the building and transform it into "a center for artists, exhibitions and community meetings." Photo

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0

Question Rude

Is your state "tight" or "loose?"

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0

Man Subtle

"In long interviews at his apartment off Fordham Road in the Bronx, however, Mr. Merritt rarely contradicted himself. Court records confirmed his mastery of details. He insisted that I portray him as deeply flawed." — The request of Earl Robert Merritt, who now claims that he framed hundreds of people for the NYPD, leading to their arrest for possessing guns or narcotics—or other crimes.

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1

A Woman Walks Into a Men's Rights Conference

Jessica Roy flew to Detroit to attend the International Conference on Men's Issues, and while there was, naturally, a "palpable distaste for women," there was something more: But what I didn’t expect was how it would make me feel: sad and angry and helpless and determined, all at the same time. Moreover, I didn’t expect to talk to so many men in genuine need of a movement that supports them, a movement that looks completely different from the one that had fomented online and was stoked by many who spoke at this three-day conference.

And you'll never guess what they called her.

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4

"Freaky" Employed

"Brooklyn is our home and we're already hard at work developing a freaky, space-age utopia that will give today's creative visionaries a place to produce astonishing stories and leave their indelible thumbprint on the annals of history," says a spokesperson for Vice.

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2

Hostage Situation Ongoing

It has been more than a full moon cycle since one was able to purchase books published by Hachette in a reasonable manner from Amazon, which—despite selling books largely as an accident of history, and now essentially vestigially—has a forty percent share of new book sales in the U.S. But this hostage situation will apparently see only one resolution: the complete and utter capitulation of Hachette to whatever Amazon is demanding. Russ Grandinetti, a Kindle executive, told the Wall Street Journal that Amazon "was willing to suffer some damage to its reputation and was simply doing what is 'in the long-term interest of our customers.'" Books were [...]

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