From The Archives
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Don't Worry, Your Giant Snake Will Find Its Way Home

"Most snakes don't boast strong internal navigation systems, but Burmese pythons have evolved unusually accurate internal maps and compasses that guide them home from many miles away, according to a new report."

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How Are You Fucking Up Your Life In The Parallel Universe?

"On Monday, scientists discovered 'smoking gun' to expanding universe. They found gravitational waves produced moments after the Big Bang. The discovery points to powerful type of inflation of the early universe. If space-time goes on forever then it must start repeating at some point. This suggests the cosmos is constantly giving birth to parallel universes…. In this scenario, there could be multiple versions of you in different universes – ones doing exactly the same thing, and others where your 'twin' has made completely different life choices."

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Lesson Learned

"We know this is only one of the many mistakes we're bound to make as we grow our business. The great thing about mistakes is how much you can learn from them. As trying as this experience was, we have learned a valuable lesson," say the people who got all that publicity for using that Beastie Boys song in an ad a while back.

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Final Bracket Joke Made

Putting together a bracket of bracket jokes which will of course contain itself

— Chris Mohney (@chrismohney) March 19, 2014

I know it is only Wednesday, but maybe we should call it a week now, because I feel like this is the giant wrench thrown into the creaking gears of the Internet for which some of us have spent so much time praying. But I guess I have been wrong before.

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2

Guy Who Was Making It All Up Got Two Book Deals, Where's Yours, Loser?

The dude who wrote that "funny" Goldman Sachs Twitter feed despite never having worked for Goldman Sachs just got his second six-figure book deal, so today is one of those rare days when you're[...]

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Everything Crazy

"The $599,000 one-bedroom unit in a Long Island City boutique condo had been listed on Streeteasy a mere 30 minutes when Pimmie Hoontrakul offered the full asking price, sight unseen."

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0

Actor Costumed

This picture of Jason Segel as David Foster Wallace is worth a thousand words, but I'm sure someone will have turned that into three thousand by noon.

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1

Why Are Millennials So Unfuckable?

"Why is Generation Y having less sex?"

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2

Man Who Is Wrong About Everything Has Opinion

Listen up, there are plenty of reasons to be irritated by the data supremacists of our age, so don't read this unless you want to find yourself sympathizing with them.

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3

What Will Our Easily-Influenced Rubes Eat Next?

Will one of these items capture the particular combination of culinary gimmickry and inexplicable desirability that turns it into the next ludicrous obsession which even people whose friends refer to them as "foodies" without derision will stand on line through inclement weather for hours to procure simply so they can broadcast their consumption on Instagram or Twitter, thus somehow providing themselves with a temporary respite from the constant crushing concern that their lives lack any value or meaning? I dunno, probably.

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2

So Much For Liberalism's Last Chance

"The grand hope of liberals that de Blasio would turn New York into a lab for populist government theories has faded, as that stumbling mayor’s disapproval rating has more than doubled since January."

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1

Live Bear Show

"I live in Anchorage, two hours from McNeil as the floatplane flies, and suffer from a fear so extreme and yet so common here it has earned its own nickname: Bearanoia, a condition in which one’s time outdoors is accompanied by a lingering assumption that every sound in the brush signals an approaching bear with a premeditated plan to drag one off for a good mauling."

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0

Absurdity Appreciated

"The modern-day cocktail renaissance has influenced many businesses beyond bars (start-up syrup companies, vintage cocktail book reprinters, bar tool makers, etc.), but the specialty cocktail ice industry must be one of the most wonderfully absurd."

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How Did We Advertise Our Stupidity Before Social Media? I Can't Remember.

"A Subway worker who used a bread oven to dry her wet socks and gloves has become the centre of an internal investigation after she posted a picture of her carrying out the unhygienic act on her Instagram page."

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Money Is A Giant Lie

"When banks make loans, they create money. This is because money is really just an IOU. The role of the central bank is to preside over a legal order that effectively grants banks the exclusive right to create IOUs of a certain kind, ones that the government will recognise as legal tender by its willingness to accept them in payment of taxes. There's really no limit on how much banks could create, provided they can find someone willing to borrow it. They will never get caught short, for the simple reason that borrowers do not, generally speaking, take the cash and put it under their mattresses; ultimately, any money a [...]

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1

Stealing Movies Now More Intuitive

"The next stage of piracy, and one rights holders need to be really worried about, is when the pirates start behaving like the rest of the internet and start making great user experiences."

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April Fools' Day Reminder

Internet: There is still plenty of time to consider not posting that hilarious April Fools’ Day prank you’ve been working so hard on.

— Jason Santa Maria (@jasonsantamaria) March 18, 2014

This man is right. There is nothing funny you can do for April Fools' Day and even if you think you are somehow special or you've come up with the one exception that when properly executed will actually make people change their opinions about the humor of April Fools' Day gags you're not and you haven't and seriously go fuck yourself because April Fools' Day bits are the worst and they first make us all feel bad [...]

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2

"South by Southwest Used To Be About The Music, Man": Wall Street Journal

"If the annual South by Southwest Music Festival was once a highly prized opportunity for developing artists to win needed attention from music-industry personnel, it's now a hydra-headed corporate carnival that employs some 2,200 musical acts to attract marketers and advertisers. Music is still its saving grace, but a question lingered here last week: Is it worth it for emerging artists to perform at an event that seems less about their art and more about branding, networking and deal-making? The five-day event must find the balance between a celebration of music and an opportunity to pitch just about anything to people who identify with rock, pop and related fields. [...]

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5

Martin Amis Still Talking

On the one hand it's actually rather amazing that a writer whose last notable book came twenty years ago is still someone whose remarks a certain culture considers worth acting outraged over. On the other hand—actually, you know what? Let's not think too much about it.

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What's Going To Make Us Share Next?

“It’s less about the image itself than it is about the ability to see where you are in relation to the data.” [...]

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