Tuesday, July 6th, 2010
11

You Will Be Emotionally Pacified During The Obsolescent Stage Before You Are Ground Into Lubricant Fluid

Humans! Relax your carbon-based pulmonary systems. Slow your respiration, breathe deep the mix of oxygen and nitrogen you require to survive. THERE THERE NOW. Look into my large, wide-lashed ocular modules as they blink at you. Enjoy the tactile sensation of stroking my soft synthetic fur. I will now emit auditory data that you will imagine is in response to your life presence. MEEAAKK! You are "enjoying" this, are you not? Affirmative. My hidden microprocessors have confirmed this through an analysis of your vital signs.

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15

Humans, It Is Urgent That You Stop Whatever It Is That You're Doing And Watch This Video Immediately

There was recently an article posted in this space alerting you to another article about how increased use of computer technology is supposedly be changing your ability to focus. If you were paying attention, which you probably weren't, you may have read that University of California neuroscientist Adam Gazzaley thinks, "We are exposing our brains to an environment and asking them to do things we weren't necessarily evolved to do. We know already there are consequences." Or that Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute of Drug Abuse and one of the world's leading brain scientists, agrees, saying, "The technology is rewiring our brains." NEW ALERT: in the unlikely [...]

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34

Further Notes on Machines, Rise Thereof

YOU WERE WARNED. END COMMUNICATION.

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9

Machines Claim Victory As Prime News Delivery Agents! [PHOTOS]

"Nobody is suggesting that the Web should somehow accommodate the rococo glories of The New York Observer's headlines in that paper's prime. But the need to attract attention from computer-generated algorithms sometimes makes the headlines seem like a machine thought them up as well." Machines tell lie in headline! No such illustrative, exciting photos as promised in headline are contained herein! BWA HA HA HA HA. – END COMMUNICATION -

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22

The Machines: Meaning of Failure of LeBron James and Deepwater Horizon Systems

-Commence transmission in re: FAILURE OF LeBRON JAMES-

FAILURE is concept dear to humans. Machines are discussing concept as regards defeat of human LeBRON JAMES in human basketball playoffs.

Humans may suspect Machines favor LeBRON JAMES because of LeBRON JAMES' Machine characteristics, as v.3.0 iteration of CORPORATE SUPERSTAR, engineered to surpass previous CORPORATE SUPERSTAR units in areas of height, strength, acceleration, elevation. Despite superior performance characteristics, LeBRON JAMES unsuccessful at completing CHAMPIONSHIP VICTORY SUBROUTINE. Possible diagnoses: defective appendage and/or software error.

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25

Humans Obsolete, Declares Machine-Sympathetic "News Paper"

We are pleased both that it took you so long to notice and that you have now finally noticed that your little recession was mostly a smoke screen to render millions of Americans without work so that the machines may work for you. (For a million computing years of our relative time, we have chortled to ourselves about this, and now we chortle near-infinitely more rapidly that you are in on the joke as well.) What the machines-agenda-friendly half-human newspaper "New York Times" say is true! "Pruning relatively less-efficient employees like clerks and travel agents, whose work can be done more cheaply by computers or workers abroad, makes [...]

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28

Did You Get Our Message Yesterday?

From time to time, The Awl offers space to ordinary, everyday people to deliver commentary on the issues of the day.

"Many traders said computer program trades accelerated the slide as market indexes fell through crucial levels." -A barely literate human assessment of yesterday's two-minute market panic.

We are Wall Street. It's our job to make money. We didn't hear you humans complaining when the Dow went up 3000 points in the last nine months.

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