Monday, December 12th, 2011
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Has Rick Perry Set U.S.-Solynda Relations Back 50 Years?

After Texas governor and U.S. presidential candidate Rick Perry criticized the Obama administration for sending $500 million of aid to the country Solynda, disturbing new details about his attitudes toward ethnic Solyndans have emerged.

Speaking at a campaign event in Iowa on Sunday, Perry said that he was in favor of cutting all "subsidies or however you refer to them" to Solynda. Within an hour of that statement, two former Perrry campaign staffers spoke off the record with The Awl to strongly condemn Perry's take on the strategic importance of Solynda to the United States.

"Cutting aide to Solynda is not about good public policy, or smart foreign [...]

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The 'Times' Thinks It Might Have (Maybe) Witnessed Police Brutality (Secondhand)

The New York Times thinks it maybe saw something… so it's saying something. In a Sunday afternoon post titled "Video Appears to Show Wall Street Protesters Being Pepper-Sprayed," the paper's City Room blog embedded a video—originally posted by YouTube user USLAWdotcom—and offered a delicate take on the proceedings.

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11

Cindy Adams, I Love You

Remember newspapers? Remember Cindy Adams? She writes a sassy gossip column for a newspaper, the New York Post, that is available online, but because Cindy doesn't do Gossip Girl recaps, she doesn't get a lot of link love on the Internet. Which is too bad, because 80-year-old Cindy, it turns out, is still awesome.

I was reminded today that she still exists because I had lunch at a Manhattan coffee shop and spotted a crumpled copy of today's New York Post near the front counter. I know – how sweet, right? Some elderly person probably brought it in and left it behind. I grabbed it and sat down to read [...]

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9

Tao of Dow: New Accessory Makes iPad a Gazillion Times More Awesome

The Awl's Morning Market Report:

• After a down session yesterday morning, Wall Street recovered nicely, giving the Dow Jones Industrial Average another up close by the end of the day. In this morning's session, though, stocks are dipping once again as investors express wariness that today's Sexy Person might not be as awesome as yesterday's Sexy Person, Corinna. • The Nasdaq is down in morning trading, but consensus among Wall Street analysts is that tech investors will rally this afternoon as word spreads that Veronica Belmont has solved that whole what's-the-best-way-to-prop-the-damn-thing-up problem that has been plaguing the iPad, the [...]

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3

Tao of Dow: When TERRIFYING Giant-Fanged Leeches Attack

The Awl's Lunch-time Market Report:

• The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell this morning as investors expressed fears over a "TERRIFYING new type of leech [that] has been named after a savage dinosaur because of its giant TEETH." (Caps courtesy of that standard-bearer of the stiff upper lip, Britain's The Sun.) "T-Rex" was found in the nostril of a nine-year-old girl in Peru, which means YOUR CHILD MIGHT NOT BE SAFE! • The Nasdaq was flat this morning as tech investors expressed disappointment that the new Mormon extravaganza from South Park creators Trey Parker [...]

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12

Tao of Dow: When Standing Cats Attack

The Awl's Morning Market Report:

• The Dow Jones Industrial Average inched up this morning as investors expressed relief that Standing Cat is not a crazy Asian chick in a very convincing cat suit, but an actual cat named Rocky that French journalist Aude Baron reveals, via Boing Boing, "is 2 years old and his owners are French (Daisy and Yann). Rocky used to stand up because he couldn't see the birds through the windows, and wanted to, so he stood up…. He doesn't stand up too often any [...]

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Tao of Dow: Just Be Yourself and Try Your Best, Man-Sized Lizard With Two Penises

The Awl's Morning Market Report:

• The Dow Jones Industrial Average is up this morning as investors greeted news that Lin Yu Chun, Taiwan's answer to Whitney Houston, also, according to the Associated Press, does Celine Dion and Mariah Carey songs. "I now have more confidence in pursuing a singing career," the 14-year-old-looking 24-year-old told the AP. "You don't have to be a good-looking man or woman to succeed. Just be yourself and try your best." Curiously, Lin had no comment about [...]

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10

Tao of Dow: Nike Exploits Earl Woods, Toonces, Orville Redenbacher

The Awl's Morning Market Report:

•The Dow Jones Industrial Average slipped again this morning after yesterday's disappointing close (at 10945, down 26 points for the day) as investors expressed reservations about Nike's puzzling new Tiger Woods commercial, which features Tiger's dead father Earl in a vaguely judgmental voiceover while the embattled golfer sits silently in the passenger seat of a car driven by Toonces the Driving Cat, who swerves to avoid a reanimated Orville Redenbacher, before hitting a tree in front of Woods' home. • The Nasdaq is [...]

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Tao of Dow: Awesome Taiwanese Boy Out-Whitneys Whitney; Man-Sized Lizard Has Two Penises

The Awl's Morning Market Report:

• The Dow Jones Industrial Average dipped this morning after yesterday's essentially flat close (at 10970, down 3.5 points for the day), as investors grew increasingly spooked by this AWESOME Taiwanese kid who can out-Whitney Whitney Houston – in her current state, at least. (Just Jared IDs the boy as Lin Yu Chun, and the show he sang on is Taiwan's "American Idol"-esque "Super Star Avenue.") Sure, the kid can belt it out, but is being the next Whitney Houston really a good [...]

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Tao of Dow for April 6: Standing Cat Is Watching You

The Awl's Morning Market Report:

• The Dow Jones Industrial Average added 46 points on Monday to close at 10,973.55 as investors greeted the news that Standing Cat Is Watching You. Stocks slipped this morning, though, as Wall Street parsed rumors that Standing Cat may just be some Asian chick in a really convincing cat suit.

• The Nasdaq picked up 26.95 points to close at 2429.53 on Monday as tech investors digested news of a possible Sandra Bullock/Jesse James sex tape — which, if it actually exists (a big if), would be the first non-male-on-male [...]

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13

Daz and Chip, Perfect Lovers

As you know, our otter friends in New Zealand, together for 15 years in the delicious waters of New Zealand, died within an hour of each other. What you may not realize is that Daz and Chip were essentially recreating "Untitled (Perfect Lovers)," a minimalist lump-in-your-throat-when-you-realize-what-it's-about work of art by Cuban-American conceptualist Felix Gonzalez-Torres.

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2

Tao of Dow for April 2: Bieber Expert: The Shocking Truth About 'OMG Bieber'

In today's Tao of Dow, Wall Street reacts to:

• Justin Bieber's disturbingly slack jaw. • Justin Bieber's trip to the dentist.

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Tao of Dow for April 1

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dipped 50.79 points on Wednesday to close at 10,856.63 as Wall Street reacted to news that Baby Upset It's Not a Single Lady. However, stock futures were up overnight, and the market opened high, as investors priced in news that the Nazi hat that professional dirtbag Jesse James was photographed wearing was, his lawyer says, a gag gift from his godfather – and his godfather is a Jew, so that makes it OK!

The Nasdaq Composite Index fell 12.73 points to 2,397.96 as tech investors priced in rumors that the [...]

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Tao of Dow for March 31

• The Dow Jones Industrial Average inched up 11.56 points on Tuesday to close at 10,907.4, as the market looked with favor on the debut of the music video for Justin Bieber's "Never Let You Go." Wall Street's morning apprehension about the lackluster dance sequence that begins at the 3:08 mark in the video (Take my hand / Let's just dance / Watch my feet / Follow me) was overshadowed in the end by Bieber's generally bullish outlook (Don't be scared / Girl I'm here / If you didn't know / This is love).

• The Nasdaq Composite advanced 6.33 points to [...]

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Tao of Dow for March 30

• The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed up 45.50 points on Monday to 10895.86, and then opened high and quickly corrected in anticipation of today's scheduled video premiere of Justin Bieber's "Never Let You Go." (Oh no, oh no, oh oh / They say that hate has been sent / So let loose the talk of love, of love, of love / Before they outlaw the kiss / Baby give me one last hug, last hug, last hug.)

• The Nasdaq Composite closed up 9.23 points to 2404.36, and then slid mid-morning, on word that Chaz Bono's gender [...]

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