This Man Will Embarrass Mitt Romney on National TV for You
"Look at my picture and ask yourself 'Would he really do that for money?' YOU CAN TELL I WOULD!"
That's how Ron D. of Loudon, Tennessee, described the seriousness of his eBay listing, which was called "I will embarrass Mitt Romney on national TV for money."
What would your high bid buy? "The possibilities," the seller said, "are endless… As long as it isn't against the law, I'll do or say whatever you want until someone comes and drags me away. And it will take a few of them. I'm a biggun." Bidding started at one penny.
The Cathovangelical: Rick Santorum's Quest for a National Abortion Showdown
It's a fine how-do-you-do. Fifty years after Democrats struggled to prove that their candidate for President "just happened to be a Catholic," now they face the prospect of painting a Republican challenger as a dangerous follower of Rome's socially extreme dogma.
The ascension of former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum to maybe-viable contender for his party's nomination and even a Pennsylvania Avenue address promises a number of rather unique possibilities. (Get ready for the "surprise" when he takes North Carolina.)
Most immediately, and a source of far more spiritual indigestion, a Santorum nomination would mean the most bloody dust-up over abortion and faith modern America has ever experienced. That's [...]
Michele Bachmann, America's Perfect Monster
In a campaign field that includes a twice-divorced anti-gay-marriage candidate who took an oath against adultery and who believes in mining the moon, it takes a special candidate to stand out. Michele Bachmann is just that special.
As she prepares to caucus dead last in her "home state" of Iowa, Minnesota's 6th District Congresswoman insists she still has a chance to win the Republican nomination for president. Odder things have happened, like that time one day's worth of lamp oil lasted eight.
Like a lot of impossible things Bachmann says—from claiming the HPV vaccine causes retardation, to the fact Obama is grooming NASA "for outreach to the Muslim [...]
"Not So Pure Michigan": The Man Who Hates Wisconsin and Ohio
When Wisconsin's tourism bureau launched a war on its neighbor by suggesting Wisconsin is actually the "mitten state," Michigan saw an unlikely ally come to its defense: a 30-something video pro named John Kerfoot.
Since 2006, the Michigan Economic Development Corporation has run a branding campaign titled "Pure Michigan." A few years into the campaign, Kerfoot took his camera to nearby Lake St. Clair to shoot a Pure Michigan spoof about the lake's scourge of fish flies, which appear every year in swarms so great that, as the voiceover goes, "visitors are left wondering, 'Why the hell do I live in Michigan?'" (Insert blanket headphones-at-work [...]
North Dakota: The Rise of an American Petrostate
North Dakota is suing Minnesota, alleging the Land of 10,000 Lakes is discriminating against it because it is black. Lignite black. Lignite coal black. The lawsuit contends that the Next Generation Energy Act—a law signed in 2007 by Republican Governor Tim Pawlenty, which limits the amount of power Minnesota utilities can acquire from new fossil-fuel plants—violates the commerce clause of the Constitution. The federal rules, the suit argues, should force Minnesota to buy more of North Dakota's coal-fired power. The EPA, the suit argues, is the only authority whose regulations should matter.
Most experts have scoffed at the suit. But it's made all the more bizarre by the [...]
Excerpts From 'How to Be: North Dakota'
How to Be: North Dakota – A Guide to the Plains is out now (and psst, costs only $8.95). The book, which features illustrations by Amy Jean Porter, would make a great holiday gift for anyone "who has looked at the vast expanse of Ole and Lena jokes and asked, 'Is that it?'"
HOLIDAYS, CUSTOMS AND UDDER STUFF
Naugahyde While its use peaked in the rest of America in the early 1970s, the tanned skin of the wild nauga remains popular in North Dakota.
Bison vs. Buffalo Buffalo, home to terrible pro-sports teams, is an industrial wasteland in New York State. A Bison is the mascot of a [...]
Mitt v. Newt: Tonight's Debate Could Be the Heritage Foundation's Nightmare
Gingrich: There is a lot of big government behind Romneycare, not as much as Obamacare, but a heck of a lot more than your campaign is admitting.
Romney: Actually, Newt, we got the idea of an individual mandate from you.
Gingrich: That's not true. You got it from the Heritage Foundation.
Romney: Yeah. We got it from you and the Heritage Foundation and from you.
Gingrich: What you just said is not true. You did not get that from me. You got it from the Heritage Foundation.
That exchange, from the October 18th GOP presidential primary debate, likely caused a good number of clenched sphincters within the drop-ceilings of power at The Heritage Foundation. Until [...]
Occupy Wall Street Runs Out of Ideas
Dear Occupy Wall Street,
Please invent your own 他妈的 iconography.
Thanks!
China
It's Working: Wisconsin's Recall to End all Recalls
Recall is the new Occupy. Today, seven states will see at least 26 separate recalls in 11 jurisdictions. And starting November 15th, a massive Wisconsin-wide petition drive will attempt to fulfill a promise from February to recall Governor Scott Walker. It's a massive undertaking, and there is reason to believe it will succeed, but also reasons it will fail. Once filed, the recall effort will have 60 days to—
Suckers! On the afternoon of Friday, October 4th, a former Walker donor submitted a petition to recall the governor under the committee name "Close Friends to Recall Walker." The filing, which noted it was done "to fulfill my friend's [...]
The Loon Goes Silent: Remembering Tom Keith
On Sunday, October 30, 2011, for reasons yet unclear, Tom Keith collapsed in his home. Keith's passing robs us of one of the most enjoyable personalities ever to occupy a Minnesota Public Radio studio. Most Americans who knew him probably did as Garrison Keillor's sound effects guy, the one who lent Prairie Home Companion sketches that all-important extra dimension. Others—Minnesotans—knew him as Jim Ed Poole and Doctor Larry Kyle, characters he created for his hosting gig on The Morning Show, which he inherited from Keillor, and which he left in 2008.
I had an opportunity to speak with Keith when he agreed to a "high concept" interview of mine. [...]
The Best "Recently Dead Sponsors of Terrorism" Halloween Costumes
On Tuesday, October 18th, just two days before he was executed, Time suggested Muammar Gaddafi as one of its "10 Best (Topical) Halloween Costumes for 2011." "You'll need," Time suggested, "An unruly black wig (or this mask)."
Time linked to the "Daffy Gaddafi Mask." But while it is certainly daffy, it's hardly the only Gaddafi mask available. It's also not the only assassinated terrorist leader costume this Halloween.
Why the Tea Party Hates Occupy Wall Street
Bill Ayers is the human wormhole linking those mythical dirty, un-American hippies of the 1960s to the Obama administration to the also-dirty socialists of the rising #occupy movement. On October 13th, the conservative blog American Thinker giddily entertained the hypothetical of an Occupy Wall Street movement that would "morph into something resembling the radical factions of the late 1960s and 1970s"—when "it will not be just Ayers and [spouse Bernardine] Dohrn with blood on their hands. It will be their young protégé in the White House as well."
For some, the stretch to make the 60s connection is done out of ignorance. For others it is a way [...]
Steal This Occupy Wall Street
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Rick Perry "Chia Head" as Tall as Real Rick Perry
One would think the picture of a six-foot Rick Perry "chia pet" planter would be comment enough. No sir. The story behind the chia governor (yours for $4,500) is much, much better (worse?).
Names On Birth Certificates Of GOP Presidential Candidates
• Gary Earl Johnson • Willard Mitt Romney • Michele Mari Amble • Ronald Ernest Paul • James Richard Perry • Jon Meade Huntsman Jr. • Richard John Santorum • Herman Cain • Newton Leroy McPherson
Abe Sauer's book How to Be: North Dakota – A Guide to the Plains is available now.
Photo by Christopher Halloran, via Shutterstock.