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Listicle Without Commentary: The 32 Possible Side Effects of Using CHANTIX, a Non-Nicotine Prescription Medicine Specifically Developed to Help Adults 18 and Over Quit Smoking, In Order 2010-02-16
32. Hostility
31. Aggression
30. Mania
29. Suicidal thoughts
28. Abnormal sensations
27. Hallucinations (READ MORE) 58
January Jones Is Wack 2010-01-19
OK, so admittedly this is totally yesterday but the rumor that January Jones might be tangling junk with Jeremy Piven is SO FUNNY. Because anyone who’s disappointed and didn’t already think she was exactly this flavor of asshole needs to raise their hands so I can tag them for being losers. In fact, don’t raise your hand, I BET I CAN TELL WHO YOU ARE. (READ MORE) 72
Macy's Has A Good Idea! Forreal. 2010-01-18
Let me preface this by saying I don't have any emotional attachments to Macy's stores. I have never seen the parade and neither of my parents have ever taken me there for magical memory making, et cetera. All I know is that the department store is in a neighborhood of Manhattan that feels like punishment and their clothes aren't worth the tourist viruses you have to wade through to get at them because Macy's is also near that one SUPERWalMart Victoria's Secret where there are many people who like to wear things from the Pink collection. In real life. Without dying laughing. You'll identify them by their see-through bra straps. (READ MORE) 53
Manhattan's Vintage Stores Stay Eating It 2010-01-04
I know nastiness is SO 2009 because 2010 is going to be deep-fried rainbows in effusive sauce but I can't help but be anything besides pshaw at the news that New York City's vintage stores are going out of business. Hey, it's not like I don't enjoy other people's underwear, bias-cut velvet shit, and keen little heels in a women's size 4 AA but um, hi, as far as business models go, I just don't see the appeal of buying pre-owned crap at extortionate prices just because there's a hangtag that says all eight of the shearling vests are from the '70s. I mean, seriously, why so expensive? (READ MORE) 62
Flicked Off, with Mary HK Choi: 'Avatar' 2009-12-18
This movie makes me emo. Thinking about it makes my nose do that chloriney thing you get right before you start crying. I am SO GAY for this movie that I can't stand it. And you know what? Having finally seen it, I don't even care what the haters have to say. I am a happy meniscus that your spite sauce slides off of. I'm lifted.
I waited three hours in July San Diego sun to watch 27 minutes of this movie. I had to cross the street from the convention center to where the line serpentined to the water by the Hilton to catch the Cameron panel at Comic Con. I sat ON GRASS next to a very nice but distinctly aromatic 19-year-old quasi Juggalo who worked in human resources at a tech firm and wanted to talk the whole time to get my ass into Hall H and my eyeballs behind some 3D specs and I'll tell you what, it was worth it. (READ MORE) 84
Are 13-Year-Olds Taking Our Jobs? 2009-12-10
"You know that feeling when you're sort of floating around like a ghost and so exhausted that you consider drinking the Lola perfume in your goodie bag at Marc Jacobs? No? Me neither. Except this one time when I went to New York Fashion Week and it was sort of crazy."
Gah. I want to douse the flaxen-haired author with superspicy haterade, snatch her bag, smash the perfume behind me like a smoke bomb, and go legging it down the block cackling like a maniac—but can't. Because Tavi Gevinson, the writer, is a fashion blogger who's been featured in Teen Vogue, the Times magazine, graced the COVER of the POP magazine relaunch and IS A CHILD. Like a teeny wee baby person, who can't feel all that good to maul. Or at least it would feel FUCKING FANTASTIC but, like, only for a second. (READ MORE) 54
Something About Uganda That I'd Know About: Filson! 2009-12-09
I'm really sorry about how my thoughts work, but all this talk of Uganda and the gays is horrifying and depressing and scary and then totally reminds me of the fact that Uganda is partially responsible for this one maybe incredible thing that you can get tyrannized into spending loads of money on for the holidays. It's the Filson Original Briefcase in a super limited-edition (only 200!), quickstrike colorway that isn't Otter Green, Brown or Tan. It's the first Filson collaboration ever and made from 17.5oz Ugandan cotton sourced by the nonprofit Invisible Children. This is just where my brain went because it goes UgandaSadfaceGaysHappyfaceFilson. And instead of pre-ordering one I'm going to buy a benefit calendar and hug myself. 5
Gluttony, with Mary HK Choi: Tohato Caramel Corn 2009-12-07
I mean, just look at him. Why WOULDN'T you eat whatever was in this little mogwai's belly? You know it's going to be amazing. And sweet! And just this once devoid of petrified baby fish complete with tiny skeletons and the beady eyeballs that you run the risk of meeting when you cop an Asian Bag o' Snack that you're unfamiliar with.
Thing is, Tohato's OLD SCHOOL. The packaging's been recently Japanthropomorphized but the logo and product's remained unchanged for decades. And the flavor profile's totally non-threatening. It's a Hi-Chew-level of challenging-the next level from being up on Pocky and Yan Yan. It's some Toblerone shit. (READ MORE) 32
Korean Ladies: Not as naturally skinny as they'd have you believe. 2009-12-07
The Korea Times' announcement today that one in five Korean women are intentionally starving themselves in order to look "beautiful" shocked a community comprised of exactly 0.000003% of the country's inhabitants. People who have "met a Korean woman" or "sat across from one during mealtime" were significantly less flabbergasted by the outcome. This may sound insensitive but South Korean women having Body Dysmorphic Disorder is some OLD ASS NEWS. Shit's so old it had a knee lift and still only wears long pants. If you asked a South Korean woman to draw what she thought she thought she looked like on a wall in crayon, she would FORGET THE TASK BECAUSE SHE IS SO HUNGRY. It's completely tragic but EVERYONE gets at least a blepharoplasty, eats most of her calories in lipstick and basically all role models are a 00. I am not going to say anything snide about Daul Kim because everything about that situation deeply upsets me, but man, the "face of Korea" was a beautiful and desperately unhappy one. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go call my mom and eat this burrito. 25
Someone Go Help Nine West. So Bad. 2009-12-01
If you're anything like me (a girl) you have a squillion pairs of very expensive shoes on ice, and two pairs of Nine West jams that you hoof about in on the reg. And if you were at all excited at the prospect of potentially buying a pair of $41-on-sale sandals for spring, you HAVE TO check out the brand's 2010 spring/summer line. IT'S SOOO FUNNY. No seriously, it surpasses disappointment and Chardonnay-drunk stumbles towards entertaining. It's doing boob jiggles in white palazzo pants with gold eyeshadow and wearing about 239874328734 bangles that make such a racket! Think pastel suede, lace-up cage booties, and quasi gladiator flats with a bajillion bejeweled bra straps. I have ZERO idea who it's for since super FOBby Asian chicks who dig "magpie chic" can get this mess on the mainland for a high five. Also, today someone hipped me to this. 21
New Zealand's Space Mission Is Adorable 2009-12-01
In a quest to be EXACTLY the place where Jemaine, Bret, and Murray WOULD come from, New Zealand has managed to launch a wee little rocket just slightly beyond our atmosphere into a stratum of area that could technically be called space. It then triumphantly fell into the Pacific Ocean. (READ MORE) 20
Italian Cop Car Eats It 2009-12-01
I can't help but feel giddy schadenfreudeish glee that the Italian PD has suffered a major blow to their unctuous swagger since their obscenely expensive 200 mph Lambo Gallardo got smithereened by a Seat, a Spanish car that's basically a toy Audi. And the ill dork Easter egg has to be that the design director at Seat is Luc Donckerwolke, who used to work at Lamborghini and DESIGNED THE GALLARDO. I know! Circles rule. Man, "Jersey Shore" better NOT get cancelled because now I'm pumped. 14
Extra-Dumpy Pants Making a Comeback 2009-12-01
Stuart Elliott at the NYT is hysterical. Check it, he says, "FIRST, Justin Timberlake brought sexy back. Now, Dockers will try to bring khaki back." MAHAHAHAHAHA. Isn't that great? I mean, I don't know about you but I think mashing that message into the squarest lead ever is some boss shit.
The weird thing is, Dockers are absolutely ripe for return. (READ MORE) 74
A Call To Big Arms 2009-11-30
A study entitled The Progressive Increase of Food Waste in America and its Environmental Impact found that we waste 1,400 calories per person per day which is enough food to sustain a very thin or small or old person or a regular biggish man-person if two people team up and waste food together. This is insane given the USDA's report that one-in-seven Americans did not have access to enough food last year. This sort of information, like the Times telling us that "many numbers of people use food stamps now: sadface," doesn't stay in my head because math is hard like reading books and shoplifting candy is so easy. (READ MORE) 20
Karl Lagerfeld Made This For You 2009-11-30
This SpongeBob SquarePants figurine fetched $1,500 at auction in Paris because Karl Lagerfeld perched some specs on it, painted fingerless gloves and attached what I thought was a pharaoh's postiche but is actually a very rakish plastic tie with a symmetrical windsor knot. Bully. (READ MORE) 5
Cosmonaut Even Cooler Than That Diaper-Wearing NASA Chick 2009-11-18
Wow. Everyone drop everything and recognize game because this dude is a Russian astronaut blogging from SPACE. I mean, honestly, what's the point of even trying to go there? Dude has escaped velocity and WEARS MORPHEUS GLASSES. He punks all of us but makes a goddamn tourist of NASA's Mike Massimino's Twitter account with its dullsville numbers and très terrestrial dispatches. I mean, unless your narrow behind is getting atrophied because there is no gravity where you're standing you're just some dude in Texas. You're only as good as your last space tweet, bruh. Sorry. Plus, this other guy's funny in that way foreign humor is broad as fuck. As in "general". Not like "female" because those hoes are never funny. 10
Neil Patrick Harris Is The Best Person 2009-11-18
So I am obsessed with Neil Patrick Harris on Twitter. Now, he's no Black People when it comes to the sheer awesomeness of the topics or as suspiciously organized as Mommy Bloggers but him and his majorly adorbs Dr. Horrible avatar has been on there for a day and a half, has 108,683 followers, follows only five supernerdly but crazypopular people like Felicia Day who has 1,562,018 followers and then this one guy from Atlanta, Georgia, named Dodd Vickers who I'm pretty sure NPH follows because they're Internet friends brought together by a mutual love of magic. HEART. 13
Ethnic Dong and 55 Other Chinese Flavors 2009-11-18
I'm not really into Chinese people because I blame them for stealing Hong Kong from me and my asshole expat friends with the fervor and myopia of the child that I am. But then I remember that the Mainland is ginormous and that there are many sorts of Chinese people and that if anyone's down with the aliens it's them. Ni hao and xie xie. So here's a photo gallery of 56 of the "officially recognized nationalities" of China that is gorgeous because these peoples know how to weave and dye them some banging fabric. It is also really informative for anyone who saw Gran Torino and thought Hmong was a made-up thing and that Yugers were white kids who talked wiggerishly and wore New Eras. But I feel weird on these dusky Koreans who live in Chinese mountains and make a totally different type of kimchi that is sort of bland because our country is already torn and I feel like they should pick a different, more South Korean side if they're going to live in Asia anyway. But I realize this is unreasonable seeing as I live in America for the snacks and the fast Internet. 45
Flicked Off: '2012' is Awesome and Haters Can Suck It 2009-11-12
You know who I love? I love anyone who hated this movie because I would like to fight them to the death for being wrong as balls. Fuckouttahere. I wanna be on the 2012 thrill park ride, playing 2012 on my Nintendo DS, eating the 2012-branded chocotaco and watching this movie at the same time because I am greedy for this brand of INCREDIBLEBANANASINCREDIBLE. Everyone who says otherwise may as well have written their reviews on their faces in marker because they are obviously batshit crazy and should be ignored. Seriously, will somebody tell me what people expected other than 158 minutes of apocalypse BUKKAKE? Roland Emmerich knows how to destroy himself some world and sure it isn't so much a story but a sprayfest of rapid-fire money shots but what else would it be? And what else would make it THIS AWESOME? It's like the movie has ultra-oxygenated blood and sleeps upside down in a hyperbaric chamber and eats tiger penis like it's its job because it has psycho endurance that feels GREAT in your brain. (READ MORE) 87
How To Draw Asian Women 2009-11-12
This amazing and totally REAL. Seriously, watch this man, he is a talent. You start off all "Oh, hell naw" and then all your doubt disappears because when he's done it's as if the pretty slanty lady will springroll up off that page and make you some ill dumplings with her tiny feet because she is that dexterous and also obliging. I swear to God her wanton skins are as delicate as whispered magic. Try it. So beautiful. 33
Knifecrime Island Hottie Naughty? 2009-11-12
This, people, is ENGLAND. Some British chick with the awesomely cattywampus name of Kelly Askew got pinched by Mancunian cops for trying to smuggle over £627,000 worth of cocaine in a green plastic bag in the passenger side of her Mercedes. While she is pleading ignorance and throwing her shotty-sitting boyfriend under the bus claiming that the drugs were his, she is obviously a criminal mastermind with the face of an angel if that angel was just OK in the face. Not only was she holding a GRIP of blow, she was canny enough to stay being on welfare despite collecting checks for "on rare occasions" doing "a bit of modeling." Whatevs, you know she's suspect since she was clipped leaving that place where only rainmakers go-the most dazzlingly lucrative and exciting commercial hub in the history of history a.k.a. the cocaine capital of the world a.k.a. Yorkshire. 19
Dakota Fanning's Eyes Have Seen Many Things 2009-11-10
Man, I am so the embarrassed emoticon in the face right now because this Dakota Fanning Teen Vogue shoot makes me feel spectacularly gonzo in the crotch. I KNOOOOOW. I'm SORRY but I CAN'T HELP IT because I don't think it even matters if you're a dirty old man or not because her freakshow precocious eyes accuse you of thinking things and then forgives you and the whole thing makes me feel filthy. (READ MORE) 50
From Chinaboys To Chinamen 2009-11-10
I love how British people call Asian people oriental unless they're talking about Indian people who get to be called Asian. But what I love most of all is when old people call Asian dudes Chinamen because it is SO funny and makes me think, "cocksucker YOU" and itch to feed you to the pigs like in Deadwood! Anyway there's this article in China Daily about a new trend amongst affluent Sino-parents to send their prized baby boys to military school instead of smartypants private boarding school-type institutions because the country doesn't just conscript your sorry undisciplined ass into mandatory service for a couple years like really cool nations like South Korea and Finland. Amongst the skills learned at such hardcore academies of goose-stepping dudeliness is "memorizing codes and rules… finishing a meal without looking at [the] food" AND most importantly learning to "take criticism, no matter how unreasonable." Yawn, so basically these little guys LEARN HOW TO BE GIRLS. 5
French People Are The New Japanese People 2009-11-10
Just in case you were in any danger of getting behind the wheel of a Renault on purpose, you can happily scrub all such crazytalk from your head. The French have invented the Zoe Z.E. which is presently being swanned about at the European autoshows and will begin production in 2012. This is just in time to make absolutely sure that whatever detritus the next civilization finds of us will compel them shake their heads with mirth and also pity. Because this voiture electrique is a motherfucking spa car. (READ MORE) 15
You Know You Want To Go There: Jim Carrey's Website 2009-11-10
Jim Carrey is so Mary J. Blige to me. Like, the second he fell in love and got all happy I lost interest because unless there are blue flames of volatile crazy and tar pools of combustible anguish behind the eyeballs I no longer care about you as a famous person. Really sad famous people are a good flavor because they are hazards which makes them hilarious. So whatever, Jim Carrey's DONEBEEN playing Uno with Mary in celebrity purgatory in the sunken living room of my brain with Jenny McCarthy mixing a big pitcher of virgin Tom Collinses and I wanted to change the channel because he was so BORING until I found his web site. It is AMAZING. (READ MORE) 23
'V' Is That New TV Crack 2009-11-04
There are two types of people in this world, those who cower in the door frames of their homes when the aliens come and those who reach under the floorboard for their trusty Heckler & Koch, grab their Go bags (kept by the front door expressly for this purpose), put on action pants and sprint towards the massive looming spaceship to watch shit get retarded. (READ MORE) 51
Spider Is Fierce For Fierceness Sake 2009-11-04
How boring and human is it to think that the female crab spider would change colors to ward off predators and cajole plasma-swollen bugs into webs? Pshaw. Who drinks blood anymore? Vampires are out! Centaurs are in! Fashion spiders are innest of all! Stop scratching your heads scientist-people! Don't be all up in de rigeur arachnid biznass, harshing the mellow, weezin' the juice, and trying to divine some sort of evolutionary FUNCTION for the spider looking appropriately resort seasonish on a resort seasonish flower. There are no reasons, there is only FASHION! Fashion that maybe should crush these delicate exoskeletons to make pigment because these bitches WORK. Unless crushing them unbinds the magic to restore dun-colored, ugly, plain-jane reality and these formerly Bollywood-looking happytime outsides go back to looking uggo. Hungry, dead, AND unpopular? What scientist will look at you NOW spider? That's what you get! 17
Beloved British Artist is Brain Bleedingly Boring 2009-11-04
What YEAR are we in? What the hell kind of council flat, biccie-dipping, trench-mouth, kippered herring shit is this? Why is the United Kingdom still falling allover themselves to look at a real-life bona fide Banksy piece like it's some big DEAL. Banksy is EVERYWHERE. Ask Blek the Rat. Banksy is as ubiquitous as the pallid ladyhaunch of the pear-shaped drunk Brummie spreadeagled on the boot of a Peugeot at the Dogging Park. Why are townsfolk calling meetings to preserve his artwork? Especially when he did a piece on somebody's random wall on Beddington Farm Road? Who still loves him now that his amaaaaaaaaazing anonymity was compromised when HE GOT A FUCKING PUBLICIST. It hurts my face that now these same people are returning to earnest council meetings to decide whether it should be RESTORED. 27
Muttonhead Vandal Collared by Oz Fuzz: Krylon-Huffing Idiot Twitter Fingers to Blame. 2009-11-03
I have a soft spot for graffiti artists. I realize I am one of maybe four people who still give a shit about the art form but I genuinely adore a few of them and take great pleasure in their stories and perusing through their piecebooks. And while I'm sure a couple of them really are vile fingerless glove wearing derelicts who are bloated with street cred while starving to death on building stoops, stinking of diseased pee and dithering about how real New York was SO REAL, others have gone on to becoming brilliant fine artists, making stupid amounts of money, owning property, and having lots to lose. And yet the tie that binds is that there will always be this COMPULSION to get up. Especially when out of town. Especially when out of continent, like if you were being flown out to melanoma land a.k.a. Prison Island a.k.a. Australia, where it feels like law doesn't exist since people are too squat in discipline to say "afternoon" instead saying webbed-toe shit like "arvo." I think it's sort of excusable to think their vandal squad maybe hadn't figured out how to follow you on Twitter. But man, I wish REVOK hadn't Tweeted his exact when and whereabouts. Especially about going to the airport right when he was going to the airport. He could be back in California stuffing his face full of Tim Tams. Stupid fingers. 5
Tom Morello Used to get Rained On in the Ass Pit 2009-11-03
I hate when people tell you they're "disappointed," mostly because who the hell are you, and because it actually deeply upsets me on some of primal Asian female shit where I have to get an A++ in life, BUT, man, I am SO disappointed that Tom Morello used to be a stripper. I mean, I love strippers and am constantly picking glitter out of my eyelids from making bestfriend experiences with them but this upsets me in a profound way. This is SO different from how Al Pacino used to be a gigolo because a) sure and b) penetration and c) Tom Morello was my rock Obama. I mean, seriously, "fuck-you-I-won't-do-what-you-tell-me-unless-it's-to-turn-around-drop-it-like-it's-hot-and-let-you-pantomime-slide-an-Amex-centurion-card-in-the-crack-of-my-ass-like-we're-in-a-Nelly-video-before-you-spritz-Korbel-on-the-Harvard-educated-V-of-my-obliques-for-a-sawbuck"? 29
