Monday, December 23rd, 2013
13

SoulCycle SoulCycle SoulCycle

Twenty-thirteen was the year I got super into SoulCycle. It’s gross but I don’t care because I need it and I love it (ha ha so gross). Actually, wait, that’s completely misleading because I only got into it two months ago. Whatever, it's the best. In October, I bought a block of 20 classes which cost exactly one million dollars. Now I go like three times a week. Over a year this works out to all the money I can imagine in my brain in one go.

Here’s the main reason I go: three out of the five times I go, I cry. No joke. I’m obviously workshopping a [...]

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24

Inside New York's Last Sensory Deprivation Tank

Here's the thing to know about Sam Zeiger—the curly-haired, fifty-something hippie who owns the last sensory deprivation tank in New York: he's not going to murder you. At least he didn't murder me. Unless he did, and blogging forever is just one brand of newfangled, bespoke afterlife torments you can qualify for now (versus pushing a rock up a hill or getting your liver pecked out by birds).

Still, even if it's sort of embarrassing to cop to having made an appointment for an hour of isolation, you should still tell someone where you're going and where dude lives. The fear of getting murdered can be a distraction and when [...]

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9

All Dudes Learned How to Dress and It Sucks

I can’t figure out how old anyone is. I can’t figure out how gay anyone is. On silent subway morning commutes there are no tells. The brogues, desert boots and quickstrike high-tops not only have me manic-fantasy-banging every well-dressed dude on the F BECAUSE IT IS ALL SO GODDAMN GOOD but the fact that so many are suddenly well shod plus the prevalence of hard-bottoms straight CRIPPLES my ability to tell how rich anyone is. READ MORE

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21

Showed Up: Last Night's "Mega Secret Private" Robyn Show

Seth Colter Walls: Mary, thanks for inviting me to the "secret" Robyn concert in TriBeCa last night! Mary HK Choi: Pshaw bro. It was absolutely my pleasure. Seth: Don't fucking bro me what to do! Mary: Here bro. Drink this. Seth: So it wasn't actually that big of a secret was it? Was it a radio contest or something?

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59

The 32 Possible Side Effects of Using CHANTIX, a Non-Nicotine Prescription Medicine Specifically Developed to Help Adults 18 and Over Quit Smoking, In Order

32. Hostility 31. Aggression 30. Mania 29. Suicidal thoughts 28. Abnormal sensations 27. Hallucinations

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97

The New Domino's Pizza Recipe: An Extended Taste Test Review From Both Coasts (And an Appreciation of Domino's Exquisite Online User Experience)

Mary HK Choi: Really quick background question: were you prompted to eat Domino's because of their new ad campaign? David Cho: Oh for sure, I'd been watching those commercials for the last couple of weeks. Mary: Me too. David: They make a really compelling argument! Mary: Agreed. There's something about contrition that makes me want to throw money at it. Mary: Was the line "When they said our sauce tasted like ketchup it broke my heart" what got you? Mary: Because it definitely did me. David: Not to mention the guarantee. David: What percentage of people ever actually follow through with something like that, to go to the trouble of [...]

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72

January Jones Is Wack

OK, so admittedly this is totally yesterday but the rumor that January Jones might be tangling junk with Jeremy Piven is SO FUNNY. Because anyone who's disappointed and didn't already think she was exactly this flavor of asshole needs to raise their hands so I can tag them for being losers. In fact, don't raise your hand, I BET I CAN TELL WHO YOU ARE.

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53

Macy's Has A Good Idea! Forreal.

Let me preface this by saying I don't have any emotional attachments to Macy's stores. I have never seen the parade and neither of my parents have ever taken me there for magical memory making, et cetera. All I know is that the department store is in a neighborhood of Manhattan that feels like punishment and their clothes aren't worth the tourist viruses you have to wade through to get at them because Macy's is also near that one SUPERWalMart Victoria's Secret where there are many people who like to wear things from the Pink collection. In real life. Without dying laughing. You'll identify them by their see-through bra [...]

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62

Manhattan's Vintage Stores Stay Eating It

I know nastiness is SO 2009 because 2010 is going to be deep-fried rainbows in effusive sauce but I can't help but be anything besides pshaw at the news that New York City's vintage stores are going out of business. Hey, it's not like I don't enjoy other people's underwear, bias-cut velvet shit, and keen little heels in a women's size 4 AA but um, hi, as far as business models go, I just don't see the appeal of buying pre-owned crap at extortionate prices just because there's a hangtag that says all eight of the shearling vests are from the '70s. I mean, seriously, why so expensive?

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84

Flicked Off, with Mary HK Choi: 'Avatar'

This movie makes me emo. Thinking about it makes my nose do that chloriney thing you get right before you start crying. I am SO GAY for this movie that I can't stand it. And you know what? Having finally seen it, I don't even care what the haters have to say. I am a happy meniscus that your spite sauce slides off of. I'm lifted.

I waited three hours in July San Diego sun to watch 27 minutes of this movie. I had to cross the street from the convention center to where the line serpentined to the water by the Hilton to catch the Cameron panel at [...]

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75

Flicked Off, with Mary HK Choi and Alex Balk: 'Nine'

Nine, directed by Rob Marshall, opens in limited release tomorrow. It stars Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Cotillard, Penélope Cruz, Nicole Kidman, Judi Dench, Kate Hudson, Sophia Loren, and Stacy Ferguson.

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54

Are 13-Year-Olds Taking Our Jobs?

"You know that feeling when you're sort of floating around like a ghost and so exhausted that you consider drinking the Lola perfume in your goodie bag at Marc Jacobs? No? Me neither. Except this one time when I went to New York Fashion Week and it was sort of crazy."

Gah. I want to douse the flaxen-haired author with superspicy haterade, snatch her bag, smash the perfume behind me like a smoke bomb, and go legging it down the block cackling like a maniac-but can't. Because Tavi Gevinson, the writer, is a fashion blogger who's been featured in Teen Vogue, the Times magazine, graced the COVER of [...]

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5

Something About Uganda That I'd Know About: Filson!

I'm really sorry about how my thoughts work, but all this talk of Uganda and the gays is horrifying and depressing and scary and then totally reminds me of the fact that Uganda is partially responsible for this one maybe incredible thing that you can get tyrannized into spending loads of money on for the holidays. It's the Filson Original Briefcase in a super limited-edition (only 200!), quickstrike colorway that isn't Otter Green, Brown or Tan. It's the first Filson collaboration ever and made from 17.5oz Ugandan cotton sourced by the nonprofit Invisible Children. This is just where my brain went because it goes UgandaSadfaceGaysHappyfaceFilson. [...]

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32

Gluttony, with Mary HK Choi: Tohato Caramel Corn

I mean, just look at him. Why WOULDN'T you eat whatever was in this little mogwai's belly? You know it's going to be amazing. And sweet! And just this once devoid of petrified baby fish complete with tiny skeletons and the beady eyeballs that you run the risk of meeting when you cop an Asian Bag o' Snack that you're unfamiliar with.

Thing is, Tohato's OLD SCHOOL. The packaging's been recently Japanthropomorphized but the logo and product's remained unchanged for decades. And the flavor profile's totally non-threatening. It's a Hi-Chew-level of challenging-the next level from being up on Pocky and Yan Yan. It's some Toblerone shit. [...]

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27

Korean Ladies: Not as naturally skinny as they'd have you believe.

The Korea Times' announcement today that one in five Korean women are intentionally starving themselves in order to look "beautiful" shocked a community comprised of exactly 0.000003% of the country's inhabitants. People who have "met a Korean woman" or "sat across from one during mealtime" were significantly less flabbergasted by the outcome. This may sound insensitive but South Korean women having Body Dysmorphic Disorder is some OLD ASS NEWS. Shit's so old it had a knee lift and still only wears long pants. If you asked a South Korean woman to draw what she thought she thought she looked like on a wall in crayon, she would FORGET [...]

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21

Someone Go Help Nine West. So Bad.

If you're anything like me (a girl) you have a squillion pairs of very expensive shoes on ice, and two pairs of Nine West jams that you hoof about in on the reg. And if you were at all excited at the prospect of potentially buying a pair of $41-on-sale sandals for spring, you HAVE TO check out the brand's 2010 spring/summer line. IT'S SOOO FUNNY. No seriously, it surpasses disappointment and Chardonnay-drunk stumbles towards entertaining. It's doing boob jiggles in white palazzo pants with gold eyeshadow and wearing about 239874328734 bangles that make such a racket! Think pastel suede, lace-up cage booties, and quasi gladiator flats with a [...]

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21

New Zealand's Space Mission Is Adorable

In a quest to be EXACTLY the place where Jemaine, Bret, and Murray WOULD come from, New Zealand has managed to launch a wee little rocket just slightly beyond our atmosphere into a stratum of area that could technically be called space. It then triumphantly fell into the Pacific Ocean.

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14

Italian Cop Car Eats It

I can't help but feel giddy schadenfreudeish glee that the Italian PD has suffered a major blow to their unctuous swagger since their obscenely expensive 200 mph Lambo Gallardo got smithereened by a Seat, a Spanish car that's basically a toy Audi. And the ill dork Easter egg has to be that the design director at Seat is Luc Donckerwolke, who used to work at Lamborghini and DESIGNED THE GALLARDO. I know! Circles rule. Man, "Jersey Shore" better NOT get cancelled because now I'm pumped.

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74

Extra-Dumpy Pants Making a Comeback

Stuart Elliott at the NYT is hysterical. Check it, he says, "FIRST, Justin Timberlake brought sexy back. Now, Dockers will try to bring khaki back." MAHAHAHAHAHA. Isn't that great? I mean, I don't know about you but I think mashing that message into the squarest lead ever is some boss shit.

The weird thing is, Dockers are absolutely ripe for return.

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20

A Call To Big Arms

A study entitled The Progressive Increase of Food Waste in America and its Environmental Impact found that we waste 1,400 calories per person per day which is enough food to sustain a very thin or small or old person or a regular biggish man-person if two people team up and waste food together. This is insane given the USDA's report that one-in-seven Americans did not have access to enough food last year. This sort of information, like the Times telling us that "many numbers of people use food stamps now: sadface," doesn't stay in my head because math is hard like reading books and shoplifting candy is [...]

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