Monday, November 4th, 2013

The U.S. Needs To Retire Daylight Savings Time And Just Have 19 Time Zones—Nine Minutes Apart

This past weekend, due to the end of Daylight Savings Time, many of us set our clocks ahead one hour, which proved to be foolish because apparently we were supposed to set them back one hour, but that is beside the point. What is important is that we, as a civilized society, embraced this change. We seized the opportunity to screw around with time. This is a good thing.

Some have recently argued against Daylight Savings Time, even going so far as to propose reducing the number of time zones in America to two from four1. I have a better plan. Instead of reducing the number of time [...]


Smell Like A Man

Brut by Faberge, age 8: Knotty pine laced with sandalwood and hints of rubber as Richie mashes my face to the floor of the school bus with his sneaker. He's searching through my book bag for the offending small green Brut sampler bottle I've stolen from my dad. He finds it, holds it up triumphantly, then runs up and down the aisle spraying it on the girls. They scream. Morgan says it smells like a Christmas tree farted. Once at school, there's a mad rush for the door. I quietly gather my books and papers that have been scattered under the seats near the back of the bus. I'm [...]


In Search Of The Last Cavity Creep

"With regard to precipitous heights, if you are beforehand with your adversary, you should occupy the raised and sunny spots, and there wait for him to come up." —The Art of War, Sun Tzu (1772)

One morning in 1978 three men, painted entirely in black and crouched atop a crudely fashioned raft, floated down the pale-blue river that spills down from the Fluoristan mountain range. The current carried the men swiftly, bringing them ever closer to the gleaming white walls of the floating city. Once there the men set to work with sledgehammers and pickaxes. Discovering them, a sentry called out to the city's protectors, who, with the aid [...]


Rocktober: An Oral History

In 1985, nearly three thousand signatures were collected for a petition to Congress to formally designate October as "Rocktober" on all classic rock-format radio stations in the United States and Guam. On November 6, 1986, President Ronald Reagan signed the Immigration Reform and Control Act (IRCA), known as the Simpson-Mazzoli Act, into law. In addition to requiring employers to attest to their employees’ immigration status and making it illegal to knowingly hire illegal immigrants, the bill included in section 45, ii 99-603, paragraph 19, an unrelated rider requiring all classic rock-format radio stations to observe Rocktober by using the official Rocktober voiceover when leading into a music segment, or "block," [...]


Going To Zero

On July 11, 2011, I stopped paying my bills. I remember it was very hot outside and the air was still that day. I was in the office as usual sitting at my desk. Shortly after the market opened I pulled out my checkbook and a stack of bills. I made out check #1472 to "Northeast Properties, LLC" for $2,325. In the memo line I wrote, "Rent, 07/15/2011 – 08/14/2011." I had just put it in an envelope and sealed it when I noticed Stuart walking toward me.

I think I said something like, "What's up, man?"

But he walked right past me like I was a ghost. He [...]