Wednesday, January 26th, 2011
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A Day in the Life of Julie Klausner, a Woman in Comedy

(Ghostwritten by Alex Scordelis, a man)

3 AM: My alarm goes off. Women in comedy have to be early risers! My alarm clock is a giant TV screen that plays this, the perfect sketch, to wake me up and inspire me.

3:30 AM: Commence the baking! I pop a batch of blueberry muffins in the oven, and then listen to the Louis CK episode of Marc Maron’s WTF podcast.

4:25 AM: Ding! As soon as Louis CK starts crying about how beautiful it was when his children were born, I know my muffin crusts have turned a golden brown and are ready to be pulled from [...]

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Pro Paglia: Lady Gaga is a Smug Diva who Exploits her Monsters and Gays

Julie Klausner: You and I are, it's safe to say, closet Camille Paglia appreciators.

Natasha Vargas-Cooper: Safe.

Julie: Closeted because she occasionally says crazy craziness, like when she wanted to rub herself all over Sarah Palin.

Natasha: Her political stuff is bonko but I intensely adore her cultural criticism.

Julie: When she got "politikul," twas a folly. Yet, I think Paglia is a better writer than her fellow agitators like say your Katie Roiphe.

Natasha: Don't bait me with my love of Katie Roiphe.

Julie: She's also funny, she can spin an adjective and she's persuasive.

Natasha: I love Paglia because she's she's bawdy [...]

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Understudies! Fingered By Fosse

Julie Klausner: A big pet peeve of mine is when people confuse Bob Fosse's stiff jazz hands for spirit fingers.

Natasha Vargas-Cooper: UGH! Jazz hands are like Lady Liberty's crown of spikes. They make a precise statement. Spirit fingers are for RENAISSANCE FAIRE WEIRDOS.

Julie: They're deeply sexual, Fosse's hands, especially when you consider that he stuck his troll pole in every chorus girl.

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13

30 Adjectives from Frank Rich's 1982 Review of 'CATS'

30. sweet

29. ambitious

28. anthroprmorphic

27. topsy-turvy

26. unrecognizable

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Understudies! To Love and Lose Genius: 'Sunday in the Park With George'

After 1981's "Merrily We Roll Along" flopped, Stephen Sondheim, American music's last living Genius with a capital "G" (sorry, David Byrne!), lapsed into a depression so severe, he considered quitting musical theater to write video games and mystery novels instead. Yes, video games! Can you imagine the reception "Into The Woods for PSP" could've gotten at Comic-Con?

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Sexual Innuendoes Having To Do With Candy That Were Omitted, For Time, From Katy Perry's "California Gurls" Video

• Katy Perry bends over to allow suited day traders to snort colored sugar off her back with Pixy Stix straws. • Katy Perry solders together both of the Twix bars that come in the wrapper to make a candy version of a double dildo, then shrugs.

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13

Notes on 'Camp MTV'

Monday marks the unofficial beginning of summer. For Here Comes Summer, we asked folks to explain its magic. And is there anything more magical than appearing on TV?

"God gives each of us only what we can handle" was advice a lesbian bike messenger and Brussels Griffon owner gave me when I expressed guilt about our relative suffering. She had just shared with me a harrowing story about growing up poor in the South with a father who sexually abused her, following my own disclosure that I had a terrible time at sleep-away camp when I was ten.

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17 Facebook Replies To "Who Are You Taking With You To See Sex and the City 2?"

• Kzar Alfel Chan-Eusebio im taking my girlfriends:)

• Daria Blake Walton My aunt!

• Luigi Pepe whoever…

• Rachelle Sexton My friend Tammy Ward!

• Ibrahim Kardashian Idk

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Flicked Off: "Please Give," or, Pity Is Different Than Affection

Julie Klausner: I am under the impression that you loved the new Nicole Hosen-feffer Incorporated movie, "Please Give."

Tyler Coates: I did! I also knew going into the movie that I would love it, as Nicole Holofcener is the BEST.

Julie: "Please Give" me your take on it, har har.

Tyler: (I see what you did there, right there.)

Julie: I, too, am a big fan of Mizz Hoffasenna. How did this one compare to her/their past movies for you? [Oh and there are spoilers ahead, for sure.]

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The Bookmobile: An Excerpt from "I Don't Care About Your Band"

Once upon a time, our pal Julie Klausner went on a date with a man she'll call "Rob." This relationship is among quite a few quite vividly covered in her new nonfiction book, I Don't Care About Your Band, which is out today. Just now! This is where you can buy it on Amazon. Go ahead, we'll wait. You should know that this book's subtitle is "What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated." Highly descriptive, and also accurate! Anyway, back to Rob. We were quite taken with this excerpt because she manages to both memoir and [...]

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Movies I Have Walked Out Of, by Julie Klausner

Young Sherlock Holmes Why: Walked into the wrong movie theater; had intended to see Spies like Us.

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