Monday, January 7th, 2013
4

Be Your Own Year

I don't know about you, but I am tired of this New Year already, you know? Over it! And I blame Last Year and thinking about Last Year and a Look Back at Last Year and Last Year in Review. Can we just have regular time all the time now? Isn't it time to do stop doing this and start doing that? Can we just have Normal Year this year? No Rear in Review-Preview stuff? No more New and coming soon, just, now? Just, like, more days, onward in one-day increments? No more looking back? Or forward? Or anything? Can we just do stuff? Let's review 2013 now, OK? You [...]

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1

When In Rome… Don't Just Stand There

Not that you asked, but I'm in favor of immigrants in this country. Mostly because of all the imported-type food items they produce in restaurants devoted to the cuisine of their homelands. I am pro-Melting Pot, and if there's some cheese in that pot, or some nice soup, then Welcome and God Bless America. Also, I believe the only people who may legitimately continue to bitch about immigrants in this country are the Indigenous Peoples who walked over the land bridge from Asia and ended up living all over the western hemisphere. According to Science, they are the original human inhabitants, so they get to complain all they want about [...]

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2

Rich People, Only You Can Save Us With Your Holiday Shopping!

If you are like many Americans (no offense), you are knee-deep in The Holidays and you don’t care about Fiscal Cliff. I mean, you know about Fiscal Cliff, and you know there are politicians and the president of the United States of America involved, and they are supposed to fix it, so fine, fix it, right? We are in the middle of The Holidays! What are We The People paying your salary for, with our taxes? I pay all kindsa taxes! I didn’t ask for Fiscal Cliff! It’s almost Xmas! Why are you ruining my The Holidays with all this talk about Fiscal? You make the stuff about the Mayan [...]

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3

My Holiday Shopping Plan

Now that we are experiencing The Holidays—and don’t kid yourself about that—I would like to extend a belated happy Black Friday to anyone who observed or experienced that Holiday, or whatever it is exactly, like maybe an Economic Day of Obligation? Non-religious Holy Day?

I don’t agree too much with the idea of Black Friday, and I try to not judge people who want to have Black Friday. You wanna shop, go and do that thing. Shop till you pop, Black Friday, and now, what, Thanksgiving, Brown Thursday, they got you shopping now? Wowee, go ahead and go shopping on Black Friday Eve, fine. They might run out of [...]

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4

An O-Nalysis: My Recommendations For Oprah

I recently saw a headline over at The New York Times about "Oprah at a Crossroads." I didn't read the article because I didn't want to use up any of my free NYT web-clicks on it, but it looks like the article is about how Oprah's O magazine is starting to suck wind because it has less ads, which happened because Oprah doesn't have a show on regular teevee any more, I bet.

See, Oprah decided to go on cable televison with her "OWN," which is the Oprah Winfrey Network, and so she shut down her regular TV show on original regular television. As a close and careful [...]

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6

How To Be Thanksgiving

Hey, there sure were a lot of Current Events last week, eh? I mean, Twinkies and Petraeus, Middle East crap, sore losers in the Politics, the Weather (still) more Petraeus with the Benghazi thing, Fiscal Doom Cliff, man, I don’t know about you, but I am kind of tired of News, you know?

That’s why I am looking forward to This Week, because it is a "Short Week." For me, anyway. My Week this week equals Monday-through-Wednesday, and then there will be eating, through the Best and most American holiday, which is supposed to be for being Thankful for things, such as food, and gravy. Thanksgiving!

So I am Thankful [...]

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7

Mexico On Two Baños A Day

Have you been on a vacation lately? As your Travel Advisor, I recommend you should go on one right away while we still have a pre-cliff Economy and stuff. I'm not kidding, you don't know what Our Government is gonna do to us next, so go and get some plane tickets to someplace right away and have a Vacation.

Based on my own recent experiences, I suggest you Vacate to the country of Mexico, and I'm not here talking about going to the places in Mexico where the Drug Wars are going on, people behaving like that with guns, nor am I talking about going to some beach-resort place [...]

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9

Your Lunchmeat Vs. The Machines

I don't judge what people want to put in their mouth as food, I mean, I eat at Arby's sometimes, you know? Have you ever looked at what they make into food at Arby's? That stuff has bubbles in it, seriously; I guess it's supposed to be beef-meat, but it's mostly just salty and fat-tasting, by which of course I mean delicious, in the bad-for-you way, but now they (as in Arby's) are doing this commercial where they hire this guy who is a "New York detective," and he goes and finds out that Subway* has their sandwich meats sliced ahead of time in a factory. Pre-sliced!

Seriously, can [...]

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7

Hey You, Go Wash Your Hands

I am a member of the Public, and I am interested in staying Healthy during this current Cold and Flu Season, so please, for my Health, and the combined, aggregated, and agglomerated Health of this Great Nation of ours, go wash your hands. Seriously, this is how it all starts, you and your hands, touching everything, and then, eventually, my hands touch the stuff you touched, and then no matter how good I am about not touching myself in Bad Places—which for the purposes of this discussion include, but are not limited to, the eyes, ears, nose, and throat—I wake up with a Cold and/or Flu. Thanks a lot.

Then [...]

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3

Christopher Columbus Was Never An American

I don't care what day Columbus Day is supposed to be. It might actually fall today, but it might also be one of those "Monday holidays," which means it might really not exactly-technically be today, but it's on a Monday, so We The People can get a day off, and today is the Day-Off part! I didn't get the day off, but I totally support the idea of somebody getting a day off, you know? Maybe someday I will get to enjoy a day of Not Working on one of these lame "Monday Holiday" days! Happy Monday Holiday (Observed)!

I know a lot of people get angry at Columbus Day [...]

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11

Why I Don't Live At The P.O.

So I keep hearing about how the Post Office wants to not deliver the U.S. Mail on Saturdays, but nobody's doing anything about it because of Congress or whatever, but personally I am in favor of not getting any U.S. Mail on Saturdays if that sacrifice meant we (as in, The People) would be keeping the U.S. Mail flowing the rest of the week. It's important to have the U.S. Mail out there on the street. Think about it, right now we have potentially vital agents in the War on Freedom out in the neighborhood most days of the week, patrolling. They walk right up to your house [...]

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4

Why Should I Pay Taxes On These Imaginary Lottery Winnings?

I totally Believe in the American Dream, which is winning the Lottery. Your Dream might be different, but in America, you get to Dream one, and that's the important part, right? Or you can be like, "Dreaming is for Dreamers, I am going to Do Stuff!" Me, I like Dreaming. What is Your American Dream?

My Dream of winning the Lottery—and a big Lottery, not some li'l poop-butt million bucks, because the minute you spend one dollar you ain't a Millionaire anymore; I'm talking like a hundred Million—entails winning enough money to fill a swimming pool with coins and gold bars and money and stuff and go swimming in [...]

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4

Why 'The New Yorker' Doesn't Have A Public Editor

I think I'm gonna buy myself a pair of those toe-sock-feet things, the shoes with toes in 'em? You know, like a glove for your foot, but it has a shoe part? Is that a fad? I don't want 'em if it's a fad, I mean, I want 'em, but if it's a fad, then I would wait for it to be over before I buy so I can get the Nice Price, you know? Sometimes with important stuff like this you need to drain all the emotion out of it.

I have pretty good feet, I think. If there were Photo Opportunities for feet, I bet I could totally [...]

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12

Things You Can Purchase For Your Cat At Rite Aid

I was at the Rite Aid the other day and I don't know if you have Rite Aid where you are, but basically Rite Aid is a Drug Store, plus they have makeup and all kinds of little garbage-y food like Kraft Easy Mac and Chef Boyardee in those little styrofoam microwave cans and junk food and crackers and beef jerky and soda pop and all the different colors of Pringles tubes, and you can buy a 20" box window fan and there's a toy aisle and there's seasonal candy, like for Halloween and Valentine's and Easter and Mother's Day and 4th of July and Christmas and probably for [...]

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1

Seasonal Disorders

I don't know about you and where you are, but I hope it is nice out and you are not dealing with Catastrophic Weather or anything, like a flood or a hurricane, or a fire, which maybe isn't technically Weather, but if there was more rain-weather, there'd be less fires on the Five-Day Forecast, right? In Baltimore, where I am, it remains hot and humid, so I am still enjoying Summer. I'm not even thinking about Fall yet, because that's Sept. 21, OK? Right now it's Summer, still.

But things keep getting mixed up. Like right now, it's getting toward the end of the Baseball Season, which equals Summer, but [...]

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3

A Climate Of Change

I am very sad to see right now, in August, it is "Back to School" time for many of The Children of America. Right now. In August! That is a total rip-off, kids, seriously, you got screwed. There is not supposed to be School in August, unless it is the "Summer School," because it is Summer! "Summer School" is supposed to be Punitive or Remedial and stuff! There's no School-school in Summer! It was bad enough when I was in the Target store last week looking for a new bathing suit and a deal on one of those brushes for scraping the barbeque-gook off my Weber and there were no [...]

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8

Some Advice On Sleeping

Man, I love to sleep. Sleeping is one of my Super Powers, I’m not kidding, I can go to sleep anywhere, any time, on any mode of transportation, I can achieve the Rapid Eye Movement or whatever the good part of sleep is right away. I can get a good night’s sleep, like eight hours, nine hours, ten hours, eleven hours, and come to and still be looking forward to a nap later, or maybe even a little lie-down after I get up and perform my morning ablutions, or afternoon-blutions, even. What’s for breakfast, lunch? Twelve hours, I can sleep.

Sleeping, to me, is one of the most enjoyable things [...]

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6

The Olympics Wrap-up Wrap-up

I always get psyched for The Olympics and it never lets me down, especially when I see athletes being good sports and shaking hands after tough games. I'm not kidding—that’s the kind of attitude the world needs more of, instead of all the flag-waving and wearing of the flag as a cape. I mean, enough, you already get a medal.

I totally have Post-Olympics-fever fever now because Bob Costas1 or Al Michaels2 or Ryan Seacrest3 on NBC-TV on my TV said it’s only like 18 months until the next Olympics, which is gonna be the Winter Olympics in Russia, in this place called Sochi, and [...]

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8

Let’s Declare War On The Weather

Everybody talks about it all the time and it is supposed to be the boringest thing to talk about, conversationally, and it means you are Dead Inside or have Given Up or whatever, but the Weather is totally Trending, man, and not just because it happens every day and there are Weather Reports and Traffic-&-Weather-Together-on-the-ones and stuff on the radio when you are driving your car in the traffic, and Weather, together.

Think about it, seriously, when you go Outside, you are stepping out into The Weather. Some of The Weather still manages to get inside your house and there is nothing you can do about it. You need [...]

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30

Hard-Packed Ice Cream Or Soft-Serve?

Part of a series: Two choices—which do you choose?

Ice cream is way more fun to eat in the summer, especially if you like to go to places where they serve it to you in a cup or cone, because it’s like, a very American Summer kinda activity, hitting the ice cream place for something cold and sweet and bad for you, and in the summer, more than the other seasonals, the mere act of Hey I’m Going To Get Some Ice Cream, or Hey Let’s Go Get Some Ice Cream becomes a Social and Cultural Event, because you are gonna go to a place where lotsa other Peoples [...]

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