Monday, July 15th, 2013
1

This Was Supposed To Be A Review Of The Movie 'Pacific Rim' But It’s Mostly A Review Of My Above-Ground Swimming Pool, But 'Pacific Rim' Is Crazy, Man!

Wowee, America* I am having a super-fantastic summer, seriously, I fixed the vinyl liner in my above-ground pool and now I can go swimming whenever I want, which is really great because of how hot it has been, which summer-wise, is a plus, the hot, and being able to come home all hot and bothered and then slip into a cool pool and a cold beer is very satisfying, in a totally Suburban way, which is not a disparagement of Suburbanites, because I live in a City, but it’s just kinda like a Suburban thing to have a pool, even though mine overlooks the alley and there are feral cats [...]

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4

It Is Finally Almost 'Fast & Furious' Time!

I think Springtime Positivity has finally caught up with me now that the Springtime Pollen of Negativity has spent itself and released me from its Deadly Grip, because I feel like my mind has cleared and I am Excited about stuff for the first time in a long time since last time. Firstly, more than the new Star Trek movie or the Iron Man or Great Gatsby or Before Midnight or anything like that, moviewise, I am officially one million percent hyper-mega-ultra-jacked about the new Fast & Furious movie, with cars. Check out this picture I have included, which reveals part of the movie—not Spoilering anything, in my opinion—and I [...]

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0

Really Good Thing We Do All Our Business In The "Common Tongue"

I dig sports, so I was watching "Game of Thrones" on Home Box the other night and there was this part where a dude was being super-rude to a lady, but he was doing it in a Foreign Language from errbody else, so he thought he was slick. However, the person he was being rude to was the chick who has the fire-breathing dragons, and she came up hard, and she does not play. Spoiler alert. Aiieeee!

All the people on "Game of Thrones" pretty much speak the "Common Tongue" or whatever they call it on the show (if they call it anything) and nobody gets bent outta shape if [...]

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7

Are We Not Each A Customer Whilst We Are Using The Restroom?

Not that you asked, but when it comes to the more Labor-Intensive aspect of availing myself of the Facilities, as it were, I generally prefer to handle my Business, if you will, at home, in the privacy therein and so forth. Every once in awhile, in my workaday world, in an extreme circumstance, I may find a need to be alone with my thoughts while in an office environment, uncomfortable as I may be with the entire process. It helps to read most of this in a phony English accent, I think, like one of those powdered-wig lawyers on Public Television. Go on, start over and see if it helps. [...]

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1

Corn!

The nights are getting warmer and it won’t be long until summer comes! No offense, but this current season of spring has pretty much been crappy and we are now about a groundhog-hair away from being done with it. Yeah, as soon as all this pollen stops killing us, it’ll be summer time, and I know there’ll still Global Warming, but I want to have an enjoyable summer, so I’m basically not gonna think about Global Warming this summer, even when it’s 120 degrees and the pavement is soft enough to claim a shoe! Don’t wear flip-flops out on those city streets, people, please.

This summer, the one that [...]

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12

Attention Recent Graduates: It Is Now Your Future

I know it's only April, but I wanted to get a jump on the Commencement Addresses for various Colleges, Junior Colleges, Trade Schools, and other institutions of Higher Learning, while reminding everyone I am available for such speaking engagements, to inform and inspire the Youth.

Here is the "Uncorrected Proof" of my current address to the Recent Graduate. It helps to imagine it being read in a shouting voice.

"See your future, be your future" is not just a line one may quote from the movie Caddyshack, starring Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, and Rodney Dangerfield, it is a Way to live one's life. Like millions of people, I bet, [...]

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3

When I Win The Lottery I Am Going To Save All The Manatees

I know it's Springtime and it's supposed to be renewal and flowers and budding trees and things like that, but I'm tired of stuff right now, you know? Among certain other things that happened this week, there is also like this thing with the goofball in Korea who is gonna launch a nuclear missile on his grandfather's birthday or something? It's depressing!

We (as in U.S.) might set fire to the sky over this guy's country because he says he has a nuke missile and he wants to use it, you know? Doesn't this guy know how dangerous We The People are? Look what we did to a country [...]

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3

Beer With Baseball On The Radio Is Great, You Should Try This Delightful Combo

Baseball Season is here, and if you are not very Sporty, you might be all like: "Baseball? Big deal, I don't care about your stupid 'America's Pastime,' it's just for awful horrible stupid average people who want to Conform and be Average Americans with their Coors Light and 'Two entrees and an appetizer for $20' at Chilis, and their porky insulin-shock-at-any-moment kids and Wal-Mart—or maybe Target because it has a Starbucks now—and a minivan—or better yet a Dodge Magnum station wagon—and "relaxed fit" jeans and XXXL sleeveless "muscle" shirts from Costco and coupons for Gino's Pizza Rolls and low-fat frozen fudge bars because those are healthier and 'hey, maybe we [...]

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3

April Fools' Day is Stupid And So Are You if You Believe in it

Today is April 1, a/k/a "April Fools Day," and I don't like it. All this thing is about is making people feel bad. I have never read about or even Googled "April Fools' Day" to find out where this April Fools crap came from and why it is here, because I don't care. I don't like it, April Fools' Day, and I don't want to know anything about it. I just want it to Not Be.

Besides, whatever: it's probably just some dumb Ancient and/or Religious thing, I bet, that got all repeated and repeated over Time and became stupider and stupider and eventually congealed into this annoying "April Fool" [...]

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4

All I Know Is That Cadbury Eggs Are For A Limited Time Only

Passover begins tonight, and while I do not worship the G_d of Israel, I dig matzo and Observing this Religious occasion because I was raised on Television, where one of the best things I was conditioned to enjoy when I was a child was this movie they put on every year around this time called The Ten Commandments, by the movie director Cecil B. DeMille, and starring Charlton Heston, who would later go on to be a gun enthusiast and star in even cooler movies where he would do stuff like fight apes on a whole planet full of them, be The Omega Man, and tell everybody what [...]

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5

Let's Clone Everything Right Now So We Will Never Die

I hope you had a Happy Saint Patrick's Day, if you believe in that sort of thing, and I hope you are not ill from too much alcohol, the official drug of choice of Saint Patrick's Day. I don't judge, I mean, I like to drink and drunk, and if you want to get loaded because it's Saint Patrick's Day, or Tuesday, go for it. I just know what it feels like Later, after too much alcohol, so I'm just saying, I hope you feel OK today and that your liver is not trying to leave your body because you were trying to kill it with fun.

Soon, in [...]

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3

Don't Trust Anyone To Tell You What Time It Is

Personally, I do not believe in Daylight Saving, which we (as in U.S.) are "in" right now, Timewise. Professionally, however (or maybe I should say "professionally" in quotes), I am Societally forced by The Man to conform to the so-called "Daylight Saving" in order to appear in the office at my job and stuff according to Daylight Saving O'clocks, which, in case you are unfamiliar with Time, means that right now you pretend it's an hour later than it really is until 2 a.m. ("Daylight Saving Time") on Nov. 10, 2013, and then you "Fall Back," and "gain" an "extra" hour of sleep or whatever other fun you might be [...]

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0

The Columnist's Vacation

Before I begin the next episode of the Mr. Wrong column, which is on Vacation, topicwise, and simultaneously "on vacation," I want to remind all you Gentle Readers that this is a column. According to the Collins English Dictionary, which was the first thing I found on the Internet when I Googled "History of the word column" at it, a column is—in the number five (b) slot of meanings of the word "column"—supposed to be: 5. journalism a. any of two or more vertical sections of type on a printed page, esp on a newspaper page b. a regular article or feature in a paper: the fashion column [...]

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4

The Problem With Men's Socks

Like millions of other loyal Americans, I watched the Academy of Oscars® telecast on Sunday, which the ABC televisioning network tricked me into starting at 7 p.m., with the pre-game, where for 90 minutes they ask actor-people about their feelings and what clothes they are wearing by which designer of clothes, but I stuck with it, the broadcast, not only in appreciation of the forced awkwardness and yelling-at-the-teevee entertainment, but to also maybe gain a bit of valuable practical Fashion information I need. Clothing!

If I were a he-actor attending one of these high-profile affairs, I would totally wear a nice dress normally associated with female clothing, especially Adapted for [...]

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8

Here's Who Will Win The Oscars (And Why)

As predicted in the previous installment of Mr. Wrong, here are my Oscar® picks. I am showing clips of my picks on the New York Times thing they have for Oscar® Picks, and I am not Plagiarizing the New York Times, OK? If you do the thing on the New York Times you could win an iPad, so go do that, and that explains why I have pictures of my picks from the New York Times here, it's "Fair Use," and I'm a Journalist, HAR.

I feel pretty good about my picks and I'm putting five bucks into my regular Oscar® pool, where everybody picks all the Oscar®s, [...]

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0

It's Never Too Early To Start Screwing Up Your Oscar Picks

There have been a lot of Current Events going on lately, man, seriously, the Maniac Ex-Cop out in Los Angeles doing "Asymmetrical Attacks," then holed up in that cabin, 30 people killed in a human stampede during the big Kumbh Mela in India, the Eastern Seaboard of the United States of North America got buried in precipitation, there's drones flying around, the Pope quit, and then Ted Nugent didn't shoot an arrow into POTUS at the State of The Union Speech, nor did he holler out "MY FACE IS A MASERATI," which was kinda disappointing, and they had the Grammy Awards on Sunday, which, when you do the [...]

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3

Winter Wants To Kill You

I hope everybody had a good Super Bowl, and even if you didn’t Observe it, you mighta been able to have a less-annoying grocery experience, shopping outing, or possibly enjoy a less-crowded movie theater or exercise gym because of the whole XLVII thing, so it was Good Times for America, especially since that whole deal with the lights going out in the Mercedes-Benz stadium in New Orleans wasn’t Terrorism or whatever, you know? Just for a minute, I thought maybe it was.

For your too-much-information, I enjoyed Super Sunday, and I support legislation to make the day after Super Bowl, aka “Super Monday” the National Hangover Holiday of America, especially [...]

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4

The Super Bowl Is The Exclamation Point Of America

AARRROOOO!!! Now, right now, is Super Bowl! This week! The most American week of all! Super Bowl has more America™ in it than Fourth of July, Election Day, the Academy Awards, NASCAR, and Tet all rolled up into one, and now is the time when America has Super Bowl all up in it!

Super Bowl is here for America, the Whole America! Super Bowl is here for you! Even if you don't want it! Especially if you don't want it! Super Bowl will football you until you love it! Super Bowl is here for the 47%, and the 98%, and the 99%, and it is brought to you by the [...]

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18

The Terrible Truth About Cats & Dogs

I think it's good to have a pet animal. I know there are people starving and war and stuff and we should probably focus on humans, but pets are highly therapeutic for a lot of people who are lonely or don't relate to other humans very well, and while I am not exactly a huge fan of those depressing abused-animal commercials with the Wendie Malick voiceover on TV, there are lots of abandoned animals that would make good pets for people. Mostly dogs, I think? Dogs are the most popular pet, yes? I mean, maybe fish could outnumber 'em on a pet-to-owner ratio, but if you did it on a [...]

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9

Blergh: A Golden Globes Wrap-up

I just got done watching the Golden Globes show on TV, and that’s fun, to sit there with some bacon & horseradish dip and say shitty things about people who are famous. Also to make fun of the clothes these celebrities wear, mostly the women, because the men generally look the same, but if you put ‘em on a sliding scale and concentrate, you can make proportionately weighted fun of the men for managing to look not quite right in a tuxedo because they couldn’t just go ahead and wear a regular tux like all the other guys, they hadda stand out, so they show up in a bad bowtie [...]

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