How to Make a Doll Into a Wine Glass in 23 Quick Steps
Not that you ever would, or should. But in light of these condiment bottles... READ MORE
Catching Up With Jessica and Elizabeth: 'Sweet Valley Confidential: Ten Years Later'
I started reading the new Sweet Valley High book last night, and oh my god I love it I hate it I love it I hate it. It's unexpectedly stirring — you can feel it in your heart, this fluttering memory of caring about Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield, and aren't we all Elizabeths? Did anyone identify with Jessica? Oh you sluts! Just kidding, somewhat, because Jessica, what is wrong with you?! but I'm getting ahead of myself — but the book's main problem is that Jessica, what is wrong with you?! READ MORE
How to Like Food
Is there a certain food you find disgusting but wish you didn't? Oysters? Martinis? Coffee? Something other people enjoy but that looks and tastes repulsive to you? Well, you, too, can like it by following these eight simple steps. Or, if this doesn't work, oh well, you had a few mouthfuls of food you didn't like. READ MORE
Highlights From 'Our Fate & the Zodiac,' a Dark 1916 Horoscope Book
Would you like to know your fate? Come in, come in. *Book creaks open.* And here's an apple, I'm told you can barely taste the poison. Oops, why do I always say that part out loud! READ MORE
Oo-ooh, Someone's Mad at The New Yorker
A woman wrote in to The New Yorker demanding a refund because two issues in a row featured not very many pieces by women. READ MORE
The "Winter Boyfriend"
Marie Claire's Maura Kelly asks, "Should You Lock in a Winter Boyfriend?" and I don't even want to know what she's talking about because YES. Lock him IN. Lock, lock, lock. Who's there? "My winter boyfriend!" ... is what you'll say when someone asks who it is you keep trapped inside your room. Ahh, anyway. READ MORE
My Quiet, Mostly Disgusting Adventures With Natural Deodorant
This is the ridiculously long story of how I exchanged regular deodorant-antiperspirants (Secret, Dove, Degree, etc. — the ones that make you smell nice) for natural deodorants (Tom’s, Jason’s, the crystals, etc. — the ones that make you disgusted with yourself, your body, your clothes, and the haze of putrescence that surrounds you at all times). Here we go. READ MORE
