Monday, April 7th, 2014
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Recollections Of Jameson, Brought To You By Jameson

As we celebrate with all of our friends who make St. Patrick’s Day great, we raise a glass to Jameson for sponsoring this story.

Earlier this month, Jameson funded a party we threw, and then they sent us to Ireland. Now Awl publisher John Shankman and I mull it over.

Edith: John, do you like Jameson?

John: Why, hello Edith. I have heard of Jameson Irish Whiskey as a matter of fact. And yes, I do enjoy it. How about you?

Edith: Yes, I also like it.

John: (I just put on some exciting tunes to get ready for this convo.)

Edith: Haha, which?

John: If [...]

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St. Patrick's Day In Ireland, On Jameson

As we celebrate with all of our friends who make St. Patrick’s Day great, we raise a glass to Jameson for sponsoring this story.

A couple weeks ago Jameson funded a pre-St. Patrick's Day party for us, and then last week they sent us (Awl publisher John Shankman and me) to Ireland, for actual St. Patrick's Day. It was great: just a magical experience; so otherworldly, neat. (Get it? Ayyy.)

Anyway, they sent us there to tour the distillery, visit the Jameson whiskey academy, and generally experience what it's like to hang out in Ireland, on and around St. Patrick's Day, with locals. We went [...]

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A Very Jameson "St. Patrick's Day" Party

As we celebrate with all of our friends who make St. Patrick’s Day great, we raise a glass to Jameson for sponsoring this story.

Before we threw an early St. Patrick's Day party funded by Jameson for some of our friends last week, Awl publisher John Shankman and I sat down with a Jameson representative for a briefing on the brand's history, but what I really wanted to know was whether Jameson had paid for any or all of its incredible appearances in "True Detective." A sampling:

Jeanette (the representative) said that Jameson's appearances in the show were organic and that they hadn't paid anything for them. I told her that that was [...]

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Velveeta's Online Presences, in Order

The worst thing about holiday travel is when the airline loses the one bag that contains ALL OF AMERICA’S VELVEETA SUPPLY.

— VELVEETA (@EatLiquidGold) January 8, 2014

8. VELVEETA, Pinterest

7. VELVEETA, Facebook

6. VELVEETA, Kraft.com

5. Eat Liquid Gold, Twitter

4. Eat Liquid Goldr, Tumblr

3. VELVEETA, Instagram

2. VELVEETA.com

1. Eat Liquid Gold, YouTube

Edith Zimmerman is the founding editor of The Hairpin.

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Advice Is Futile

After editing an advice column for two years, I’ve decided that there is no such thing as advice. There are only problems and the ways people handle them. Advice, on the other hand, is when you hear a description of someone else's problem and then tell the person something about yourself. Hopefully whatever you say is funny or interesting, but it has little to do with actually helping anyone. It may seem or feel like it does, but there are always more variables than we'll ever be able to see or understand, and best case scenario you’re pressing on the problem a little bit in a way that engages [...]

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Paper, In Order

17. Wrapping 16. Toilet 15. News 14. Towel (included only because it should be called towelpaper) 13. Fly 12. Construction 11. Rice 10. Printer

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How to Make a Doll Into a Wine Glass in 23 Quick Steps

Not that you ever would, or should. But in light of these condiment bottles

1. Get a doll with a plastic head. They sell good, cheap ones at CVS, Rite Aid, and places like that.

2. You’ll also need a pair of scissors, a plastic wine glass, and a hammer. (Optional but not actually recommended: clear nail polish.)

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Catching Up With Jessica and Elizabeth: 'Sweet Valley Confidential: Ten Years Later'

I started reading the new Sweet Valley High book last night, and oh my god I love it I hate it I love it I hate it. It's unexpectedly stirring — you can feel it in your heart, this fluttering memory of caring about Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield, and aren't we all Elizabeths? Did anyone identify with Jessica? Oh you sluts! Just kidding, somewhat, because Jessica, what is wrong with you?! but I'm getting ahead of myself — but the book's main problem is that Jessica, what is wrong with you?!

The thing she does to Elizabeth — the drama that provides the book's foundation — is so ridiculously [...]

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How to Like Food

Is there a certain food you find disgusting but wish you didn't? Oysters? Martinis? Coffee? Something other people enjoy but that looks and tastes repulsive to you? Well, you, too, can like it by following these eight simple steps. Or, if this doesn't work, oh well, you had a few mouthfuls of food you didn't like.

Quick backstory: I used to like nothing. I ate only cereal, pasta, and ice cream, and when I ordered a sandwich I ordered it with white bread, turkey, and mayonnaise—mustard, lettuce, and tomatoes being too freaky and exotic. Then I did this thing when I thought that [mumble, mumble, mumble—long story about falling [...]

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Highlights From 'Our Fate & the Zodiac,' a Dark 1916 Horoscope Book

Would you like to know your fate? Come in, come in. *Book creaks open.* And here's an apple, I'm told you can barely taste the poison. Oops, why do I always say that part out loud!

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Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines

A Junk Food Wake-up Call I loved “The Big Junk Food Test” [November 2010]. I’m a college freshman and typically eat things like pizza, chips and ramen noodles. I always feel tired and lethargic. This article opened my eyes; thank you for helping me realize how important it is to eat better and not put my health on the back burner. Deanna M., Medford, Ore. (Glamour, January 2011)

I typically boil butter, sugar, pesticide, and lard together, then inject it into my butthole with a needle I stole from the veterinarian. I’m actually gonna go do it again in about 10 minutes, but I just wanted to take a [...]

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Oo-ooh, Someone's Mad at The New Yorker

A woman wrote in to The New Yorker demanding a refund because two issues in a row featured not very many pieces by women.

We were already alarmed when we flipped through the Dec 20th & 27th double-issue to find that only one piece (Nancy Franklin) and one poem (Alicia Ostriker) were written by women. A friend pointed out that Jane Kramer wrote one of the short Talk of the Town segments as well, though it barely placated our sense of outrage that one extra page, totaling three, out of the 148 pages in the magazine, were penned by women.

There's lots more, but the barely placated [...]

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The "Winter Boyfriend"

Marie Claire's Maura Kelly asks, "Should You Lock in a Winter Boyfriend?" and I don't even want to know what she's talking about because YES. Lock him IN. Lock, lock, lock. Who's there? "My winter boyfriend!" … is what you'll say when someone asks who it is you keep trapped inside your room. Ahh, anyway.

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Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines

Get Fit Your Way!

I love the “Lose 8 Pounds at Home” feature [September, page 64]. I can’t afford a gym with fun, fresh classes, but I get really bored at home and don’t always know how to give myself an effective workout. Your plan keeps me focused the entire time I’m exercising. Best of all, I can do it at home for free!

Jessica, North Royalton, OH (Self, November 2010)

Sometimes I think about how perfect my life would be if I were eight pounds lighter. First of all, I would be beautiful, and so then I would get married. And then once I was married, my [...]

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The First Interview With the Arsenic Aliens

HP: OMG tell me about yourself!

AA: Welllllll, I've been living in Mono Lake forever basically.

HP: Wait like literally forever?

AA: Hahaha, ummm.

HP: [Screaming]

AA: Hahahaha, LOLOLOL.

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My Quiet, Mostly Disgusting Adventures With Natural Deodorant

This is the ridiculously long story of how I exchanged regular deodorant-antiperspirants (Secret, Dove, Degree, etc. — the ones that make you smell nice) for natural deodorants (Tom’s, Jason’s, the crystals, etc. — the ones that make you disgusted with yourself, your body, your clothes, and the haze of putrescence that surrounds you at all times). Here we go. READ MORE

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Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines

I thought this story ["The Mistake That Nearly Cost Me Everything," by Piper Kerman] was very interesting, and I can't wait to read her book. It's amazing to think that something we may have done 10 years in the past could affect our future.

Kellymusil, marieclaire.com (Marie Claire, June 2010)

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Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines

Wish You'd Reconsider I am appalled at the comment you made concerning Michelle Obama in "The Style 100." Saying she deserved a Congressional Medal for "banishing the nattily tailored First Lady suit" was distasteful. Apparently you don't know what the medal is since you made such a lighthearted comment. Judy C., Santa Clarita, CA (InStyle, March 2010)

You deserve a Congressional Medal-thrown at your head. But I know that there's a lot of you guys working there, so imagine like you're all standing in a line and the medal just goes through each of you guys's heads one by one. Blam, blam, blam! It also has a little gun [...]

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Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines, with Edith Zimmerman

Winning Hands I haven't worn playful nail polish since I was an adolescent, but the painted nails in "Power Points" [September] were so stylish, they made me reconsider my go-to French manicure. Your article showed me that my nails are another accessory I can have fun with. Stephanie B., Overland Park, Kan. (InStyle, November 2009)

Why do we have ten fingers? That seems like a lot-personally I think I'd rather just have one. I'd want it to be made out of all the other fingers, though, so what I'd do is cut them all off and sew them together end to end, and then reattach the whole thing back [...]

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Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines, with Edith Zimmerman

This question is casual and simply off-hand, but where are the people? I want to approach one and talk to he or she. There is nothing unusual about me, though. On the contrary, I am a normal human woman who lives here on America. I keep my typical human thoughts in my brain, which is inside my skull of bone. Just one regular human woman looking for other humans to meet and stand near, for reasons that are the same as your reasons.

Anonymous, via e-mail

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