Wednesday, January 29th, 2014
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I Was A Love-Letter Ghostwriter

Nine years ago, I answered an ad on Craigslist and was hired by artist Jana Leo de Blas. Jana was a tiny woman of indeterminable age with a dandelion puff of hair. I arrived at her bright, high-ceilinged studio in the old I.S.C.P. building in midtown Manhattan; she had built a platform in the middle of the room. I climbed the few steps, settled at the desk with my laptop and coffee and tried to remember some poetry to quote in case I choked. That morning was the start of a weekend of open studios, but Jana wanted to be sure we didn’t limit ourselves to visiting art fans, so [...]

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Hate Yourself Pretty

Are you afraid, ashamed, or even allergic to parts of your own body? We are! If, like us, you’re too sarcastic by nature to do self-love affirmations and finally accept who you are, that’s OK. Let’s channel our violent self-hatred into a simple daily beauty routine.

You’ve already responsibly shielded your nipples and crotch with high-tech foams. Surely you weren’t thinking of going out with only underwear, an outfit, and a winter coat, were you?

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The Devil Is Making Me Fat

Jesus’s birthday is coming up. And you know what he wants for his birthday? Nothing more than for you lose weight and become more attractive. As C.S. Lovett helpfully explains in his 1979 book, Help Lord … The Devil Wants Me Fat!, there’s a simple way to not be so fat: stop eating. Just completely stop. See, it’s not hunger that causes you to eat delicious holiday treats, it’s Satan.

Maybe that seems extreme to you. What about clean, natural, whole foods in their purest forms? you might ask. I eat a raw, macrobiotic, vegan diet, and I feel fantastic, you say. Yap, yap, yap. All I hear is [...]

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Outdated Beauty Advice: How to Never Move Your Face

Holidays are an intense time. You may even fall prey to experiencing feelings. But when you feel, your face tends to move, and if you keep moving your face, you will get wrinkles. And then, the holidays will win. Don’t let the holidays win!

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