Contributor Balk
You know the phrase "Knifecrime Island"? I don't want to boast, but, yeah, that's one of mine.
The Super Bowl Expressed Our Subconscious Fears That Women Want To Cut Our Dicks Off 2010-02-09
What lies behind the overwhelming and archaic concepts of masculinity in this year's Super Bowl (best exemplified by that Dodge Charger spot? Let's hear from Dr. Prudence Gourguechon, President of the American Psychoanalytic Association!
I can only speculate. The economy is what comes to my mind. Perhaps so many men have suffered narcissistic injuries as a result of lost jobs, foreclosed houses, shuttered opportunities and expectations, that culturally we regress to the fantasy that it is women, or specifically the eternal Castrating Woman, who is taking away their power, causing them to feel small, young and afraid.
She also harshes on The Who. 3
What Is Your STD Prevention Mobster Name? 2010-02-09
It's simple: The first STD you were ever diagnosed with is your first name, and your childhood pet's name is the surname. (Click through for the full image.) [Via] 29
Winter has not yet even undone its belt for tomorrow's big SNOW-PLOUGHING, but the Department of Education has already given the city's kids the day off. Expect to get hit in the head with at least three snowballs by noon. And probably some batteries. They're vicious, those kids. 2010-02-09 19
Knifecrime Islanders Scared Of Their Own (Knife-Wielding) Shadows 2010-02-09
A survey of British voters finds the majority "deeply pessimistic about the state of Britain today, believing that society is broken and heading in the wrong direction" with almost 60% saying "that they hardly recognise the country they are living in, while 42 per cent say they would emigrate if they could." This is interesting: I was reading an article in this week's Economist (sorry, that line reeks of "I'll take 'Things Douchebags Say' for $1000, Alex") on "Broken Britain" which reported that, actually, things aren't that bad. (READ MORE) 10
This was probably a bad idea: "Asian-American activists offended that MARTA re-named the train line into the heart of Atlanta's Asian community the 'yellow line' will take their objections to the transit agency's chief on Friday. 'Yellow,' as a term for skin color, carries a generally negative, racist connotation among Asians." [Via] 2010-02-09 24
Fourthand Smoke Is Gonna Have Laser Beams Or Something 2010-02-09
Turns out there is something called "thirdhand smoke" and it will kill all of you that the first two hands have not managed to dispatch. Especially CHILDREN, who—in an alarming new trend—now put things in their mouths. Smokers: They are a cancer on society. (Haha, get it?) 7
Tonight will be the final installment of "The Jay Leno Show," so expect all the questions you've had this season to be answered and all the mysteries resolved. SPOILER ALERT: It turns out that Jay sucks. 2010-02-09 5
Winter Carnival: This Time I Mean It 2010-02-09
Listen, baby, I know you've been hurt before. I know I was wrong, and that the promises I made turned out to be empty words. I understand, I do. I can totally see why you're scared, why you're hesitant to open your heart and trust me. But ya gotta give me another chance. Baby, believe me: That other time? I don't know what I was thinking. I was crazy! I was not even the same guy then. But if everything we've been through means anything at all, I need you to trust me now. Come here. Look into my eyes so you can see how serious about this I am. Baby, as AccuWeather.com meteorologist Tom Kines is my witness, I will give you up to twelve inches. Come on, beautiful, let's go out and panic buy together. 22
Bear With Three Legs Walks Like People! 2010-02-08
I have watched this like four times now and I'm still all, WHA? Anyway: "No one seems to know how the bear lost her right paw and foreleg, but she's adjusted with aplomb, instead choosing to go bipedal," says Backpacker, calling it "a testament to the black bear's adaptability for survival." So very very true. 25
You Are Depressed On The Internet 2010-02-08
If you tend to surf the Internet obsessively you are probably depressed, says Science. Let's look at the numbers! (READ MORE) 25
14-Year-Old Girl Who Dresses As A Sailor And Dances Around On Internet Thinks She's Popular In Japan Because She's "A Westerner" 2010-02-08
We say "what a world" all the time in these parts, but, really, what a world. 10
Science: Your iPad will totally fuck up your back. But you're still going to get one, aren't you, you trendsucking imbecile? 2010-02-08 6
"Some people outside of Texas may have this view that we're a gun-toting society; we're not."
—State Senator Dan Patrick (R-Houston), on the current debate over whether visitors to the state Capitol should be forced to go through metal detectors when they enter the building. "The discussion comes after a man last month fired several shots on the steps of the towering Capitol in Austin. State troopers tackled him and no one was wounded, but the incident spotlighted a predicament for lawmakers in a state where carrying handguns is not only legal but largely cherished." The man had been turned away from Patrick's office after requesting a private meeting with the Senator. 2010-02-08 14
Knifecrime Island Glassing Victim Speaks Out 2010-02-08
Greetings from Britain, "the glassing capital of the world":
I was glassed/bottled once a year for three years running. The first happened in Southport because I was wearing a long scarf. The third time was for accidentally spraying somebody with beer in the Old Blue Last. The second, and worst, was on Charing Cross Road in London by a guy who attempted to smash a bottle on the wall three times to stab me. I laughed at him but then he smashed the beer bottle in my face and ran off while his girlfriend cried: “Oh my gawwwwd. What ‘ave you done!” I put my hand to my head and felt a four-inch flap of skin come lose from my head.
Um, Adam Gopnik kind of liveblogged the Super Bowl? No matter. NOTHING can take away my joy over the Saints' victory. 2010-02-08 1
Here's another reason to not drink soda: It might give you cancer, right in the pancreas. "People who down two or more soft drinks a week may have double the risk of developing deadly pancreatic cancer, compared to non-soda drinkers, new research suggests." There are some questions about the methodology (and some nasty insinuations that maybe smoking will give you pancreatic cancer, which WAS NOT PART OF OUR DEAL, nicotine—I signed up for lung cancer only!) but I think from now on I'll stick with tonic or seltzer for my mixers. 2010-02-08 26
The Heart of the Andes 2010-02-08
This weekend's Wall Street Journal had a nice appreciation of Frederic Edwin Church's "The Heart of the Andes," which happens to be my favorite painting. I have spent countless hours at the Met just sitting in front of it and taking it in, and I never get tired of it. No matter how perfect your computer's resolution, seeing it on the screen does it no justice; the next time you're uptown you should definitely go take a look. 10
The Future Of America Is Written On Sarah Palin's Hand 2010-02-08
I suppose we should discuss HANDGATE. Did former Alaska governor Sarah Palin write something on her hand to help her remember her answer to a pre-screened question during this weekend's Tea Party convention? Is it a big deal? Can we resist making teleprompter comparisons? I don't know. I still think the idea that Sarah Palin will be president is a completely overblown fear of folks who, either out of frustration or a general contempt for the intelligence of the American electorate, somehow believe that we would ever vote for someone so manifestly unfit for the office. On the other hand, you look at recent history, and, well, you can sort of see what they're worried about. Ta-Nehisi Coates says that this is "what happens when you turn conservatism into nothing more than the white populist id." (READ MORE) 11
Automobile Ad Heats Up War Between The Sexes 2010-02-08
This ad, for the Dodge Charger, seems to have pretty much infuriated every woman who saw it last night, which is what you gals get for watching The Big Game. Here's a pretty cute insta-response, but let's be honest: Men are under siege. It has never been tougher to be a man than now. Unless you're at college, where it is apparently a never-ending parade of blowjob parties no matter how ridiculous your retro headgear looks. Anyway, the ladies keep yammering on about this one, which they probably should. I mean, no guy REALLY puts down the seat, am I right? 50
"For the good of the people of the state of Illinois and the Democratic Party, I will resign."
—Illinois Democratic lieutenant governor nominee Scott Lee Cohen, who, uh, has had some troubles in his past, announced that he would drop out of the race last night "at the Hop Haus, a bar and restaurant at 7545 N. Clark, during the Super Bowl." 2010-02-08 3
"We have to put in controls to protect the brand."
—A source explains the rationale behind MTV's decision to restrict the personal appearances of "Jersey Shore" cast members, lest they damage the franchise. Which is apparently somehow possible?
2010-02-08 4
A Sports Team Won A Sports Trophy Last Night And People Were Happy 2010-02-08
I was once again struck by the complete absurdity of sports fandom last evening when I heard someone behind me (actually, it was Awl pal Meghan Keane) saying, "I think that's the most excited I've ever seen Alex Balk in my life." (READ MORE) 18
They're selling teabag jewelry at the National Tea Party Convention! It looks both extremely elegant and very patriotic. Unfortunately you can only purchase it with a valid American birth certificate, so all you secret Muslims are going to have to shop somewhere else. 2010-02-05 14
I'm gonna believe A LOT OF THINGS before I believe that "senior sexting" is a bona fide trend. 2010-02-05 7
Man Masticates Dog 2010-02-05
Roger Cohen's IHT column about eating dog in China is raising hackles in the dog-loving precincts of the Internets. Let's establish first that Cohen definitely did eat dog.
The menu was predictably dog-dominated: dog paws, dog tail, dog brain, dog intestine, even dog penis. We went for a dog broth, simmered for four hours, with Sichuan pepper and ginger. It was warming, with a pepper-tingle. The meat was tender, unctuous, blander than pork, but stronger than chicken. Later, the owner, Chen Zemin, explained how the best dogs for eating had yellow coats, weighed 30 pounds, and did miracles for arthritis.
Here is your snow report for the metropolitan New York area, specifically Manhattan's East Village: Nothin' yet. Further bulletins as events warrant. 2010-02-05 19
Cigarette-Smoking Snake Smokes Cigarettes, Is Snake 2010-02-05
Sure, it's from Tuesday, but since nothing on the Internet is ever really old, we'll pass it along: Po, a "three-year-old reptile from Taipei in Taiwan has become hooked on nicotine, thanks to his owner Sho Lau's 20-a-day habit." He apparently gets really pissy when Sho Lau doesn't have any smokes to spare, which, you know, I can totally identify with. 16
I'm not sure why I find myself so affected by the news that Timothy McSweeney has died. As John Donne meditated, any man's death diminishes me, but I think there's probably something about the poignancy of his story that gets me too. [Via] 2010-02-05 6
Todd Palin As Involved In Alaska Business As You Expected 2010-02-05
I am suffering from severe Sarah Palin fatigue. Hopefully that soon pass, because, you know, she's good for traffic and stuff. Anyway, for those of you who cannot get enough of the former Alaska governor, here's something about the release of a ton of e-mails showing that Todd Palin got all up in the state business when she was in charge. It is not particularly shocking, but there you are. And the part about how "the governor coached her staff on how to disguise the amount of electrical work needed at the mansion to hook up her new tanning bed" is at least amusing. 8
Things you should watch and listen to: Awl pal Ana Marie Cox live-podcasts (if that is a thing now, which I am going to say, yes, yes it is) the Carly Fiorina demon sheep ad, and Awl pal Chris Cechin hangs out with the extremely marijuana-friendly dudes behind the Frankies Spuntino/Prime Meats empire. Support your Awl pals! 2010-02-05 8
