Tuesday, December 17th, 2013

The Insane Whole Foods Gowanus Is Open For Your Gentrifying Needs

The Gowanus Whole Foods opened this morning, at 3rd Avenue and 3rd Street in Brooklyn (midway between Park Slope and Carroll Gardens, for you Manhattanites), with a bench-laden parkway along the Gowanus Canal, a hot hipster-manned knife-sharpening station, copious espresso machines, a giant over-sized novelty baguette (WHY IS THIS BREAD SO BIG?), giant hanging hogs, a rooftop beer garden, an enormous greenhouse, and just more of everything than you can possibly imagine. It was mobbed with shoppers within minutes of opening.

Much yogurt. So organic. Wow. Etc.

Just pretend there are stupid captions on each of these photos that are like "Wow the doors slide open when you approach but then close behind you as if by magic." And "there are a large number of all kinds of people waiting behind cash registers"! But yeah. You've been to a Whole Foods before. It has food in it. (My God, it's full of food.) Although perhaps you haven't been to a Whole Foods with a beer tap room and a lovely meandering parkway alongside a toxic canal….

19 Comments / Post A Comment

jolie (#16)

I know this is tremendously uncharitable, and I truly promise that I felt bad one split second after I thought it, but my immediate reaction when I saw the first photo of this ridiculous store/group of people/event that is A Thing In Our Lives Now was, "I hope the ceiling collapses."

Anyway. I figured if there was anyone out there who would understand, that person would probably be reading The Awl.

Honestly want to go there shitty drunk and eat a whole baguette in front of everyone.

Lockheed Ventura (#5,536)

Glad to see that the parking lot solar panels are covered in snow.

I was rooting for some Toxic Avenger–style Kaiju to emerge from the canal and eat them all, but then I saw that hipster at the grinding stone and realized they might be able to hold their own for a while.

libmas (#231)

@Krugmanic Depressive THE HOST 2.

18000449@twitter (#247,007)

Uh… what is that thing growing inside of the water fountain covered in snow?

Slightly More Convenient Than Fairway, Slightly More Prone To Toxic Flooding?

Screen Name (#2,416)

Like many, I laughed at the idea of turning Governor's Island into a Whole Ikea Foods. "It's the world's first shopping/living/entertainment/lifestyle complex," the developers said. But after they built it and I took the free ferry over to see it first hand, I kinda fell into assembling some furniture and sharpening knives, baking bread, mopping, and time sort of just slipped away from me. So, here I am, putting together the new Bjornsson tele-potties for the daycare family bathroom before I have to go down and help Kenny pour growlers of beer. I haven't been home in 30, maybe 40 days. I think. But I love it. I really do. I'm hoping to get on the Flarnstaad team next because I hear they are sometimes allowed to sleep on sofas instead of in the tiny refresh pods near the dumpsters.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

I CANNOT with that idiot carrying the bread, UNWRAPPED, under his arm, against his coat, in a packed-to-capacity store. GERMS, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

@IBentMyWookie If rub bread on your coat, the bread will leave a mark on the coat, not the other way around. Thus – bread needs no wrapping.

"Is that a mutant baguette from the canal or are you just really, really, *extremely* happy to see me?"

laurel (#4,035)

Sure, bring your 10" chef's knife to a crowded store the week before Christmas. What could go wrong?

City_Dater (#2,500)

Just seeing the words "food" and "Gowanus" so close to each other is giving me an upset stomach.

carpetblogger (#306)

One post encapsulates why I both love and hate America with the white hot passion of 1000 suns.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

I'm just hoping that this will sap all attention from the pending opening of the one in Willamsburg.

Lcanon (#240,865)

OK, where I live Whole Foods is yawn because we've had it for years plus we have WinCo, because it's the inter-mountain west, baby, and they have this tremendous bulk section (nothing says sticking it to the man like buying bulk) where I bought fennel seed for .08 last week plus there's this whole doomsday-prepper vibe which is just too die for. And Xtian books. It's like Wal Mart married Whole Foods. It makes me want to cry with pleasure.

dateline1945 (#239,235)

@Lcanon Oh God, I miss nothing about living in Portland EXCEPT WinCo. Buying bulk flour to make my own bread and 12 dollar magnums of cheap red wine were the only thing that got me through the winter of 2011.

Still preferable to the Gowanus Used Foods.

migraineheadache (#1,866)

It's kind of a shame that gonzo Brooklyn Target opening didn't set a precedent for gentrification openings.

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