Monday, July 8th, 2013

We Endorse The Hooker Dude

The incredibly wealthy Eliot Spitzer, who lives in his dad's building at 985 Fifth Avenue, up the street from his dad's building at 800 Fifth Avenue, was one of the very few people hollering about the out-of-control Wall Street corporate culture before the recession. As pushy as he was, he didn't do enough. As A.G., he sued the stock exchange's Dick Grasso for his golden-parachute money-grabbing. He nearly took down AIG back in 2005, before AIG nearly took down New York City. He did not, and he should have. Before that, he crusaded against fake anti-abortion "family crisis center" facilities. Good! Eventually for some reason he ran for governor, which was a stupid choice, unless he'd run on a New York City secessionist platform, which would have been awesome. Some day! Then all that stuff happened. Five years passed.

His opponent Scott Stringer is a decent dude, but he's a fairly nice guy. Eliot Spitzer is not. We are either going to end up with a screamy asshole mayor, like Chris Quinn or (unlikely) Anthony Weiner, or we are going to end up with a decent, hard-working, non-asshole mayor, like Bill de Blasio or (unlikely) that other guy, the one who ran last time, whose name I can never remember because he's SO QUIET, WHY DOES HE NEVER SAY ANYTHING MEMORABLE. In either event, having a mouthy, obnoxious, pushy jerk for Comptroller is going to be important, either to push back against the screamer or to help out in being the strong arm for the wussier mayor.

A combo of nice-guy Stringer and imperious Quinn would be a disaster; she'd stomp on him. But also, a combo of two polite and kinda wimpy dudes would be a disaster. We have a long proud history of asshole mayors. It's just that sometimes we get the wrong kind of asshole (like a Giuliani, or, possibly, a Quinn).

New York City needs a dick to stand up for us downtown. New York City needs a dick like Eliot Spitzer.

9 Comments / Post A Comment

freetzy (#7,018)

Politics ain't beanbag.

sarrible08 (#245,478)

I'd be much more likely to support Spitzer if he hadn't already proven he's willing to tell the people of New York to go fuck themselves when he has an opportunity to get his dick sucked.

Matthew Phelan (#10,133)

My heart melts when you get political. Linked here is my preferred off-book campaign song for Eliot Spitzer's Comptroller run:

I was a huge Eliot Spitzer supporter when he was AG, and moreso when he was Guv. And I don't care what people do in the privacy of their own hotel rooms, so long as its legal and doesn't hurt anyone else. But he broke the law. Flagrantly, repeatedly. After being the top prosecutor in NY. That's LAME no matter how you slice it. DO NOT WANT.

barnhouse (#1,326)

Plus he has already been annealed in the fire. Much agreed with this endorsement. The whole country benefits if there's someone with actual fangs willing to sink them into the calves of Wall Street jerks.

Ralph Haygood (#13,154)

This is probably the most entertaining political endorsement I've ever read.

As for people having the vapors about Spitzer BREAKING THE LAW by (gasps, clutches pearls, etc.) paying a woman for sex, I'll just note that David Vitter is still a United States Senator.

Actually, I'll also note that the vast majority of the big crimes committed in this country are technically legal, or at least the people committing them never face any serious consequences, because they're rich assholes who buy enough public officials to make sure the laws don't apply to them. I doubt anyone was happier about Spitzer's fall than the banksters he'd been making squirm.

Mr. B (#10,093)

Jesus Christ Choire, you really shine on the days when Balk isn't around.

Peter Feld (#79)


He was an abysmal governor and this is a bald attempt to position himself for mayor in 4 years. Why would we take the first step toward that.

fek (#93)


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