Say Hi To Pope Francis: Jorge Mario Bergolio, Anti-Gay Activist

Cheer up bro.There’s a new pope! UPDATE: IT IS … uh, it’s in Latin. Francesco something? JORGE MARIO BERGOGLIO. The world will not end after all, unless this latest Last Pope is the real Last Pope. There was white smoke, some inexplicable cheering, and then it was all over.

So … he’s one of the oldest (the oldest?) cardinal there. He is an ultra-conservative Argentinian. And, after walking out and looking confused, as old men often do, said some terrifying thing about how he will bring about the End of the World. What’s the translation here? No, he’s from the end of the world. He’s a time traveler. He came here in the TARDIS from Argentina. This is a joke, we guess? Or a threat. We’re going with “threat.”

Let’s learn about His modern policies:

He strongly opposed legislation introduced in 2010 by the Argentine Government to allow same-sex marriage. In a letter to the monasteries of Buenos Aires, he wrote: “Let’s not be naive, we’re not talking about a simple political battle; it is a destructive pretension against the plan of God. We are not talking about a mere bill, but rather a machination of the Father of Lies that seeks to confuse and deceive the children of God.” He has also insisted that adoption by homosexuals is a form of discrimination against children.

He’s certainly got a sense of humor!

Our Earlier Live Coverage:

Somebody is paid to hang around old fellows in white dresses and then feed a type of white poison into a machine so that BBC reporters can say, solemnly, “Yes … indeed, the smoke is white. It is not black smoke coming from the conclave meeting, but white. The smoke is white, I repeat, there is white smoke.”

The Vatican spokesman Rev. Federico Lombardi said the black smoke that came Tuesday and Wednesday—indicating a pope had not been elected—was made by adding cartridges containing potassium perchlorate, anthracene (a component of coal tar), and sulphur to the burned ballots.

The white smoke signalling a pope has been elected is produced by potassium chlorate, lactose and chloroform resin.

They’re going to kill us all with this poison smoke, it’s a trap, run!

But who is this new pope? Will conservative fears that an African person of dark skin could somehow take over the last vestiges of the Roman Empire? This is a developing story, until we know the name of the new pope (probably another elderly Euro-trash mobster) and someone throws up a Wikipedia page about this old dude who gets the jeweled dunce cap of St. Peter.

UPDATE: Old people are slow.

UPDATE: The Awl’s papal expert is suggesting the new pope will be named “Steve.”

UPDATE: Oh, look who is on Twitter. Good tweet, Christine! But only witches inhale the smoke. Us Catholics *worship* that smoke.

UPDATE: Kathryn Bigelow’s in charge of all that stuff, now.

Let’s meet the folks who picked this new pope. Hmm, who to start with? How about Roger Mahony, actually one of the cardinals who made this decision. Mahony knows a lot about church business, that much is certain. Here’s the latest news on Mahony:

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles, its former leader Cardinal Roger Mahony and an ex-priest have agreed to pay a total of nearly $10 million to settle four child sex abuse cases brought against them, lawyers for the victims said on Tuesday.

Who do you think will be the New Pope? The winner gets global immunity from prosecution and a wonderful jeweled stick with a hook on the end for catching the young ‘uns.

Grandma can still enjoy all the kids around, even if they’re not grandkids. It’s very much a job about kids.

That concludes this special report on Decision 2013. We’ll have more after we find out what he was doing during the Argentine “Dirty War.” Oh wait, Wikipedia has already been updated:

On April 15, 2005, a human rights lawyer filed a criminal complaint against Bergoglio, accusing him of conspiring with the junta in 1976 to kidnap two Jesuit priests, whom he, as superior of the Society of Jesus of Argentina in 1976, had asked to leave their pastoral work following conflict within the Society over how to respond to the new military dictatorship, with some priests advocating a violent overthrow. Bergoglio’s spokesman has flatly denied the allegations. No evidence was presented linking the cardinal to this crime.

Seems legit.