Monday, March 18th, 2013

The Five Worst Kinds of Co-Workers

So, according to New York magazine, a local woman has quit her job and, with her husband earning a "low-six-figure income," she has decided to raise children and not work at all! What an amazing specimen. But this isn't your grandparents' housewifery. "This is not the retreat from high-pressure workplaces of a previous generation but rather a more active awakening to the virtues of the way things used to be," claims New York magazine, discussing how said lady rubs her husband's feet when he comes home. ("Active awakening"! I'm really stuck on that language. I think it says that on a package of live yeast in my refrigerator? Also: there should be some mention of how the workplace has actually retreated from us, in the form of the radical instability of employment now, but perhaps I'll leave my Marxist claptrap aside here.) In any event, I'm not sure I can question her choices. "HAVING IT ALL," I have learned in the course of having had it all myself for some time now, often means doing a really bad job at everything.

But really? I'm glad more parents are staying at home instead of working. Every single person (by "single" I mean unmarried!) knows that on average—not in the specific, not in every case, but in the aggregate!—that they may be tasked with pulling the weight for certain kinds of employees. It goes like this pretty much:

• Smokers.
• Parents (particularly of two or more children).
• The Jews.
• Marrieds.
• People who work at home.

Smokers in Sweden, scientists have explained, took 11 more sick days on average than non-smokers. These poor people also take off for "smoke breaks" regularly. In the mind of a smoker, they all live in France, and work is something you do between luxurious smoky breaks.

Then parents! They are terrible. There is always some crisis with little Donkey and Munificent's ears, or week-long applications for private school. Parents are terrible coworkers, you never know where they are. Sometimes they are hiding in a lactation closet and refusing to do their work, or they are "on their way to the office," or they are busy reading New York magazine to learn what might be wrong with their children.

And then the Jews! They put down their BlackBerries on Friday nights and won't answer you until Sunday. I appreciate a structured calendar, and I definitely appreciate time for reflection and solitude, don't get me wrong, but even after working weekends alone without our Jews, then each year when the gentiles come back to work after Labor Day, we run pell-mell into Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and Sukkot. Our biggest lesbian atheist Reform Jews try to run this holiday routine, even when you're like "girl, please, you don't even know Sukkot from Simchat." By then it's practically November, and we've just gone on without them.

Married people are always disappearing for spouse-related reasons and then leaving early to do gross things with each other while being cruel to single people. And everyone knows that people who work at home don't do anything all day basically.

And while we're on this topic? To be honest, the gays aren't much better, by the way, with their late nights and drug hangovers, but let's not get into that, wouldn't want to offend anyone. Anyway! God forbid you telecommute with a smoking gay Jew with children, just quit your job and become a stay-at-home mom and get ready to do some serious foot-rubbing.

36 Comments / Post A Comment

deepomega (#1,720)

The answer, of course, is to only allow single non-smoking protestants with fertility problems to have jobs, so as to promote efficient workplaces.

@deepomega That's what I'd like to do here. Fortunately all our Jews and marrieds and gays and smokers are too lazy to leave their computers and stop working.

My Co-Worker? My Co-Worker Seems So Lazy But I'm Also Scared About My Co-Worker

IBentMyWookie (#133)

@Maura Johnston This construction will never not be the best

dado (#102)

My co-worker gargles with corn chowder.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

Hey smoking married parent Jews, I am living a single lifestyle designed to more than make up for your social advantages, and this angina tells me that I am winning!

NinetyNine (#98)

If you are unhappy with Balk's work ethic, just tell him.

@NinetyNine What? And wake him up?

Matt (#26)

Feel as though you've got a whole closet full of sponges, somewhere.

hockeymom (#143)

Unless she washed his feet with perfume and dried them off with her hair, IT'S STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I thought "having it all" meant being rich enough to not have to work.

cherrispryte (#444)

Ew, feet.

Anarcissie (#3,748)

What's that, a mermaid with a sword and shield? Now, that would be some co-worker, especially if she were a smoking married lesbian Jew!

cherrispryte (#444)

@Anarcissie I'm gonna need some help responding to this.

Multiphasic (#411)

@cherrispryte I'd love to help, but today's my bar mitzvah.

GiovanniGF (#224)

I've managed to be a bad coworker when I was single, after I stopped smoking, and despite not having children. I consider this my "having it all."

Leon (#6,596)

Everyone thinks smokers or the worst, but we're really the best. At my tiny company of 13 co-workers, nobody smokes but me & one other dude. At every company event, suddenly around drink 3 or 4, everybody is all up on our jocks to steal our delicious delicious stank-tubes, because once the inhibitions and rational mind get hobbled a bit, everyone let's loose w/ the truth they have inside:

Gross-smelling death machines are sexy & amazing.

sharilyn (#4,599)

This article is so full of angry-making that I think it MUST be baiting me (a single non-reproducing non-smoking Gentile.) Right? Noone thinks feminism is over because some affluent white women choose to stay at home, do they?

P.J. Morse (#232,627)

@sharilyn I think the author of this particular article sat down at her computer and asked herself, "How can I irritate the greatest number of people at one time?" And ta-da! This!

sharilyn (#4,599)

Plus which: "For Rebecca Woolf, maternal ambition led to the creation of her website, Girl’s Gone Child, in 2005, when she was 23 and had just given birth to her son Archer. She has since had three more children (a girl, Fable, and twins named Reverie and Boheme), and every day she posts staged photos of her kids that make her family life look like one big, wholesome-but-funky romp. Here are the twins wearing adorable handmade animal hats with ears! Here is a lesson in at-home bang trimming! Woolf, who lives in Los Angeles and whose husband is a television producer, points out that as the founder of a thriving blog, she does have a job."

@sharilyn She has to be a stay-at-home mom to protect her kids from getting the crap beat out of them daily by other kids for having dopey names.

Tulletilsynet (#333)


P.J. Morse (#232,627)

@sharilyn "Reverie and Boheme" are so screwed. They'll grow up to be punk rockers for sure. There are an infinite number of ways to mispronounce those names. At least little Archer has a TV show to back him up. Sigh.

Just transcend all of this by being in management. Everyone hates you regardless of productivity.

Barry Grant (#239,287)

@Clarence Rosario

Management productivity? Where? When?

cherrispryte (#444)

SEVEN PAGES!? THAT SELF-ABSORBED SHIT GOES ON FOR SEVEN PAGES!? Jesus woman, some of us have jobs we need to do!

Multiphasic (#411)

@cherrispryte Just have it transcribed on the sole of your husband's feet. Multitasking!

julebsorry (#5,783)

@cherrispryte OH GOD YOU"RE RIGHT. I got to the bottom of the first page and my eyeballs somehow had not yet rolled ENTIRELY out of my head…and then I saw there were NINE MORE PAGES. This was right after I finished the "rubbing husband's feet" part and was audibly gagging.

this story gives new meaning to the word barf-a-tronic.

Dave Bry (#422)

I really think that's not fair. The only problem with little Donkey's ears is that are a bit too long.

If dreams were winds, guys. If dreams were winds.

jolie (#16)

Guys? Where are all the 240,000-level commenters to read this entirely literally and then tell us all we need to do is find Jesus?

jolie (#16)

In the family’s modest New Jersey home, the bedroom looked like a laundry explosion, and the morning’s breakfast dishes were piled in the sink.


City_Dater (#2,500)


I appreciate you so much for mentioning this particular fuckery. The part of my spine that this article caused to bend has just straighted out again.

Faintly Macabre (#235,741)

@jolie My mom (and dad) worked more than full-time for as far back as I can remember, and she would have burned down our house before she let it get to that state.* And with company, let alone reporters coming to the house? I got yelled at to make my bed whenever I had my dumb teenage friends over, just in case they happened to go in my room.

Actually, seeing as my mom is a social worker, I'm really tempted to send her this article just to make her head explode.(<3 u, mom!)

*my dad wasn't allowed to clean most things because what if they didn't get clean enough?

julebsorry (#5,783)

"This is not the retreat from high-pressure workplaces of a previous generation"

Puh-LEEZ. High-pressure? You geriatrics never had to deal with a little beeping menace known as a Blackberry. Always on, always connected, always working. But we kids just love those digital whizbangs so it's basically not work at all but fun fun fun, am I right?

I may be a little bitter.

ivan (#242,498)

Hahahha so funny article :D

Siemens Speedstream 4100 Manual

Post a Comment