"The Kessel Run," a Han Solo Grindhouse Double Feature, and Other Prequels

They didn't even have Photoshop when this poster was made, in 1970.

The Han Solo story would take place in the time period between Revenge of the Sith and the first Star Wars (now known as A New Hope), so although it’s possible Harrison Ford could appear as a framing device, the movie would require a new actor for the lead—one presumably much younger than even the 35-year-old Ford when he appeared in the 1977 original.

  • Han Solo (CGI Dustin Hoffman) and Lando Calrissian (CGI Sly Stone) wind up with a bunch of rebels in a woodsy canyon. While imperial forces hassle teen-aged rebels on the nearby Sunset Strip, Han and Lando find themselves in a groovy love triangle with a local folk princess (CGI Joni Mitchell) who might be the emperor’s daughter or just a beguiling nut.
  • Han Solo (CGI Charlton Heston) crash lands on a planet filled with terrible ape-men. They lock him in the cowboy jail and do weird experiments on his junk. He is befriended by a gruff but loyal ape-man (CGI Chewbacca), who steals some horses and takes Han to the beach in New York, but now it looks just like Malibu.
  • Han Solo (Justin Bieber in Wolverine wig) does a YouTube proving he can sing despite his devil-may-care attitude. Big-time promoter Jabba the Hutt (CGI Bill Graham) offers Solo a contract, but the fine print says Han must also live under Jabba’s torture castle with an enraged monster (Phil Spector via Skype).
  • Han Solo (Taylor Kitsch) is hired to take an annoying rebel leader (Taylor Swift) to some other planet in a small plane. The plane crashes, now they live on a primitive island, just bickering and having sex all the time, until it turns out this is the Emperor’s private vacation island.
  • Han Solo (Zac Ephron) is placed in a mental institution because he steals so much stuff. Everybody there is a weird alien. The nurse (CGI Nurse Ratched) hates him so much because he is handsome and sexy. Large native hair-monster (CGI Art Garfunkel) befriends Han. Everybody dies but Han, who flies away on the Nurse’s sky-speeder.
  • Han Solo (Ellen Page) and his spice-dealing friend Billy (Matt Smith) ride moto-speeders to Mos Eisley just to clear their heads and get away from The Man. They meet a hip young senator (CGI young Christian Slater) and have a nice talk about The Force and then get attacked by the stormtroopers in a Jedi graveyard.
  • Han Solo (Ben Whishaw) goes to an Outer Rim diner and gets so much hassle because he only wants toast, no chicken salad. His partner Chewbacca (CGI John Belushi as Joe Cocker) orders four fried chickens and a coke. A pair of annoying lesbians (Kristen Stewart, Dakota Fanning) cause trouble in the spaceship. Class differences are explored.
  • Jennifer Lawrence plays all parts, is tour de force.
  • Han Solo (Scoot McNairy) is expected to take over the family crime business from his weird old dad (Tom Waits), even though Han is a promising young officer in the Imperial military. But when Jabba the Hutt (CGI Chris Farley) tries to assassinate Han’s “godfather,” there is no choice but to start killing crime lords, guns hidden in the toilet, etc. Everybody thinks of the planet where they used to live.
  • Han Solo (Josh Hutcherson) goes to work for the baddest dude in town, Lando (Tyler the Creator), and also has an open marriage with Beyoncé (Beyoncé). The imperial war is just bringing everybody down so much, and they all decide to “drop out” with some other free spirits at Zabriskie Point in the Jundland Wastes. The arrival of a warlord princess (Chloë Grace Moretz) brings bizarre complications.
  • Han Solo with a mustache (CGI Burt Reynolds) breaks out of jail with Lando in his Black Panther militant chic phase (“Tracy Jordan”). They meet up with Chewie (Cee-Lo), but he’s always so high that the plan to steal an ATM machine goes awry. Will they reach Los Angeles with the spice before the Greedo biker gang (cast of HBO’s “Girls”)? No, they will have an immense, bloody, 25-minute machine-gun battle in the Mojave Desert. Soundtrack by the country-western lineup of The Byrds.