Thursday, February 28th, 2013
21

Weird Millionaire Offers To Torture Married Couple In Space For 501 Days

This powerful Hitachi Magic Wand-brand massager will accompany the couple's spaceship.If you're married and old enough to have endured whatever horrors requiring "work on the marriage," space tourist/rich person Dennis Tito has a great plan: He wants to send an adult married couple on a 501-day round-trip flight to Mars. This could be you, and also your spouse!

A tycoon announced plans Wednesday to send a middle-aged couple on a privately built spaceship to slingshot around the red planet and come back home, hopefully with their bodies and marriage in one piece after 501 days of no-escape togetherness in a cramped capsule half the size of an RV.

Young, inexperienced people have no idea what it's like to spend that kind of time stuck with another person—within a few months, the newlyweds would be floating frantically all over the spaceship looking for the nonexistent "DIVORCE" button. (The "ABORT" button doesn't do what most young people hope for, either.)

Older couples have basically lost the will to even try to kill each other, which is why they might be the safest bet for such a journey. It would also be good if the man had already lost most of his hearing ability, to avoid arguments.

The planned voyage would use currently available space technology and a two laptop computers so the two matrimonial astronauts can sit on opposite sides of the spaceship, looking at the Internet.

21 Comments / Post A Comment

stuffisthings (#1,352)

But will it have a "LUNCH" button?

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@stuffisthings Please tell me this is a Far Out Space Nuts reference.

stuffisthings (#1,352)

@SidAndFinancy Wouldn't it be funnier if it wasn't?

Annie K. (#3,563)

"It would also be good if the man had already lost most of his hearing ability . ." The MAN? You lookin' for a fight?

Ken Layne (#262)

@Annie K. No, not at all! That's why I'm looking forward to hearing loss.

oldtaku (#9,009)

@Annie K. The woman should have lost most of her olfactory system. Luckily, this sort of does happen naturally in space!

deepomega (#1,720)

@Ken Layne Man astronauts are like THIS but woman astronauts are like THIS

melis (#1,854)

@deepomega Man astronauts are like THIS [floats helplessly into sun, screaming] but women astronauts are like THIS [blinded by solar flare, freezes in the total blackness of space and drifts slowly in the tomb of her own space suit forever].

stuffisthings (#1,352)

Men go to Mars, women wish they were going to Venus instead but just silently brood about it.

I would totally volunteer for this if my wife would even bother answering my calls anymore.
"I have a job, darling, it's sitting in this fucking coffin in space with you for a year and goddamned half."
Relationships, amirite?

cosmic awe@twitter (#242,014)

Whose willing to marry me so we can sign up for this? Anyone?

cosmic awe@twitter (#242,014)

Who's etc. : /

stuffisthings (#1,352)

@cosmic awe@twitter Given all the OKCupid profiles that are like, "TURN ONS: Traveling to Mars TURN OFFS: Bad spelling and grammar" I think you might be shit outta luck.

cosmic awe@twitter (#242,014)

@stuffisthings This explains so much. Can you explain something else for me, please? How exactly does space fuckin' work? I imagine the zero gravity business does not help.

stuffisthings (#1,352)

@cosmic awe@twitter That's why they're looking for couples that have been married a long time, so it won't be an issue.

cosmic awe@twitter (#242,014)

@stuffisthings you're full of happy news.

stuffisthings (#1,352)

@cosmic awe@twitter I'm just grumpy because the apartment I live in with my wife is smaller than that space capsule.

@cosmic awe@twitter : I can only assume it's b-roll from a Velcro fetishists' convention.

Is the trick that the Hitachi Magic Wand is the space ship and they are living inside it? You know like in a Twilight Zone ep?

saythatscool (#101)

@kitten_witawip I MISS YOU

Scum (#1,847)

This is exactly the kind of thing rich people should be spending their money on. The self doubting, apologetic nature of the contemporary wealthy sickens me. The best argument for the concentration of fabulous wealth is the doing of acts that only fabulous wealth will allow. Any billionaire that conducts himself like a common millionaire is a pathetic creature who deserves to have his possessions ripped from him by the socialist machine.

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