Monday, February 4th, 2013

Iran's Space Monkey Returned To Earth As Different Monkey

The heroic Iranian monkey who supposedly rode a rocket into space last week returned to Earth with strange new powers. For instance, the monkey's distinctive face mole was completely gone when the creature was photographed by government officials upon landing. The creature's white-blonde hair had changed to brunette, too, much like the hair of Moses changed from black to white after he spotted the Hebrew God cowering under a bush. What other mutant powers could the Persian primate have developed while exposed to dangerous gamma rays or whatever, in orbit?

The Times of London doubts the superhero animal's mysterious changes occurred in space. Could the sneaky Iranians have actually used two monkeys to trick the world, one to kill on a broken rocket and another to parade around to the government-run media?

Before the alleged launch the official Fars news agency and other state-controlled media published several photographs of the monkey – with a distinctive red mole above its right eye and a band of light fur around the side of its head wearing some sort of spacesuit and strapped into the seat that would carry it heavenwards. Fast forward to the post-flight press conference, at which the regime introduced the heroic astro-monkey. The mole has gone, as has the band of light fur. It is manifestly a different creature.

And with much of the world's intelligence apparatus aimed at Iran's regime, there's no evidence Tehran even launched a rocket on the day in question. If the mighty United States was forced to fake so many moon landings, how would our evil enemies the Iranians figure out how to get a rocket into Heaven?

11 Comments / Post A Comment

stuffisthings (#1,352)

Somebody really needs to buy Iran a license for the new version of Photoshop.

stuffisthings (#1,352)

@stuffisthings I mean sure some people say the "Monkey face corrector" tool is not worth the upgrade…

Werner Hedgehog (#11,170)

Ah, the old "fake space-monkey hero"! This is the funniest prank since that whole "Iraq WMD" thing a few years back.

@Werner Hedgehog : And the monkey will be all "no, you have the wrong monkey! I'm 'no-mole'!" and the Iranians will say "yes, like he says, he's normal!" and then Arrested Development did it better, seriously.

hershmire (#233,671)

Ah, this is a good time to bring up how it would have been harder to take the first moon landing than actually put a man on the moon:

keisertroll (#1,117)

Choire or Balk would've tagged this with "THIS MONKEY'S GONE TO HEAVEN".

keisertroll (#1,117)

Choire or Balk would've tagged this with "THIS MONKEY'S GONE TO HEAVEN".

Lcanon (#240,865)

I don't really understand where the Iranians are going with this whole space monkey thing. What are they going to do next, launch Sputnik?

Blake Robinson (#241,413)

Ahmadinejad will soon give a press conference explaining that there are no moles in Iran.

Blake Robinson (#241,413)

@Blake Robinson Also, Ahmadinejad in space!

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