Friday, February 8th, 2013
6

Dear Grammy Nominees And Other Attendees

Thank you for reading our general rules for appropriate attire for this year’s Grammys. The following items are addressed to particular individuals, but should you feel a flicker of recognition as you're reading, by all means pay attention to it even if you don't see your name here.

Christina Aguilera

If you wear a hat it needs to actually be on your head. (If you want to know what a hat looks like on someone’s head, and not just in its general vicinity, Bruno Mars can probably help you.) It’s not that your whimsical askew-ness thing isn’t super adorable. It’s just that we know everyone's going to be looking at you, and we don't want them to get vertigo.

Katy Perry, Carly Rae Jepsen and Zooey Deschanel

Please wear enormous nametags. No one over 35 knows you are all different people. Carly Rae, we have put a Mason Pearson hairbrush in your gift bag. The smooth part that says "Mason Pearson" is the handle, the wider part with the prickly things on it is the part you use on your hair.

Paul McCartney

You are a man who wears double-breasted jackets, and perhaps you need to be left to your own devices, but first, we need to tell you that the faded jeans you wore to sing with Nirvana at the Sandy Relief Concert were terrifying—partly because it is impossible to say exactly why. Maybe it’s as simple as jeans just look weird on old men, that they do something weird and forlorn to the hip area. Please see that whatever it was that made you think wearing them was a good idea is not at play as you select more formal attire. You need to ask yourself the hard question, “Do I look like I’m going to the Grammys, or to your Grammys?”

Fergie

Last year you wore an orange lace see-through dress with a black bra and panties. Please just wear that again. We prefer knowing exactly how awful your outfit is going to be to getting blindsided by something worse.

John Mayer

You can either go through lapel styles or you can go through starlet snatch. Pick one.

Mumford & Sons

You are not allowed to wear anything that makes you look like a proprietor at the general store in Rough and Ready California in 1856. We have a deal for you. If you play music in plain black tuxes and people still hear the plaintive cry of the Old West, we will give you back your vests and pocket watches and stuff.

Kim Kardashian

We know you know you have another curve to "celebrate," but did you know you’re actually pregnant? Just checking.

Rihanna

Yes, commercial music is all about sexuality but you do not get to decide what that looks like, young lady. We do. You probably know this whole thing is all about you and that dress you wore last year. Please dress in a way that conveys the level of shame you will ideally be feeling when reading this.



Related: Winona Ryder's Forever Sweater


Sarah Miller is the author of Inside the Mind of Gideon Rayburn and The Other Girl, which were regrettably marketed to teens but should really be read by adults. She lives in Nevada City, CA. Photo by Featureflash, via Shutterstock.com.

6 Comments / Post A Comment

C_Webb (#855)

Re: Mumford & Sons: Whenever I see anyone dressed like that, I assume he's a waiter at Prime Meats.

hockeymom (#143)

@C_Webb "Pocket watches and stuff" was my favorite part.

@C_Webb I think it's only the lead singer who dresses as if he's out of the 19th century, while the others are more blue jeans and flannel shirts… I'm just going to go back to my unapologetic Mumford and Sons loving corner and stay there…

Multiphasic (#411)

@C_Webb It's like Wall Drug is whistling at you.

Multiphasic (#411)

@C_Webb Though, full disclosure, there is a tug of war between myself and the lady dino over my newly recovered brown suede vest. "It makes me want to just tear it right off you," has multiple connotations, it would appear.

techmo (#11,038)

@C_Webb I wore a three piece suit to a wedding at Frankie's about a year ago and it was warm so I wasn't wearing the jacket. I went out front to get some air and a woman leaving Prime Meats said to me "Thank you so much for the great meal. We love your restaurant!" So, yes, I agree.

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