Thank you for reading our general rules for appropriate attire for this year’s Grammys. The following items are addressed to particular individuals, but should you feel a flicker of recognition as you're reading, by all means pay attention to it even if you don't see your name here.
If you wear a hat it needs to actually be on your head. (If you want to know what a hat looks like on someone’s head, and not just in its general vicinity, Bruno Mars can probably help you.) It’s not that your whimsical askew-ness thing isn’t super adorable. It’s just that we know everyone's going to be looking at you, and we don't want them to get vertigo.
Katy Perry, Carly Rae Jepsen and Zooey Deschanel
Please wear enormous nametags. No one over 35 knows you are all different people. Carly Rae, we have put a Mason Pearson hairbrush in your gift bag. The smooth part that says "Mason Pearson" is the handle, the wider part with the prickly things on it is the part you use on your hair.
You are a man who wears double-breasted jackets, and perhaps you need to be left to your own devices, but first, we need to tell you that the faded jeans you wore to sing with Nirvana at the Sandy Relief Concert were terrifying—partly because it is impossible to say exactly why. Maybe it’s as simple as jeans just look weird on old men, that they do something weird and forlorn to the hip area. Please see that whatever it was that made you think wearing them was a good idea is not at play as you select more formal attire. You need to ask yourself the hard question, “Do I look like I’m going to the Grammys, or to your Grammys?”
Last year you wore an orange lace see-through dress with a black bra and panties. Please just wear that again. We prefer knowing exactly how awful your outfit is going to be to getting blindsided by something worse.
You can either go through lapel styles or you can go through starlet snatch. Pick one.
Mumford & Sons
You are not allowed to wear anything that makes you look like a proprietor at the general store in Rough and Ready California in 1856. We have a deal for you. If you play music in plain black tuxes and people still hear the plaintive cry of the Old West, we will give you back your vests and pocket watches and stuff.
We know you know you have another curve to "celebrate," but did you know you’re actually pregnant? Just checking.
Yes, commercial music is all about sexuality but you do not get to decide what that looks like, young lady. We do. You probably know this whole thing is all about you and that dress you wore last year. Please dress in a way that conveys the level of shame you will ideally be feeling when reading this.
Related: Winona Ryder's Forever Sweater
Sarah Miller is the author of Inside the Mind of Gideon Rayburn and The Other Girl, which were regrettably marketed to teens but should really be read by adults. She lives in Nevada City, CA. Photo by Featureflash, via Shutterstock.com.