It’s time for “America’s National Holiday,” which means watching your favorite animal vermin on video! There is an actual “rat bowl,” but it’s so disturbing—it features three oiled baby rats, all sliding around and being weird, plus it is really a bowl of old cooking oil in someone’s filthy kitchen—that we cannot put it on a family publication such as The Awl. Plus, the “embed code” is turned off. So enjoy this “rat bowling” instead. Do you know the difference between a common rat and a pro football player? The rat has never been arrested for assault or torturing dogs! Also most rats are not homophobic, and none of them believe in Jesus, and many of them can read and write.
Here is something called the “Snakehead Fish Bowl,” with the joke being that the snakehead is very much out of the fish bowl, and breathing on land (a kitchen floor?) and also enjoying some hip-hop. This is why the snakehead fish is banned in America, because of racism.
Oh look, roaches are racing around! They are “well trained roaches.” We hope you enjoyed this year’s super bowl of animal shame. Don’t miss the puppies in lingerie, Sunday at 9 p.m. sharp on your favorite channel.