It’s not too late! Valentine’s Day can be salvaged, you procrastinators! Duane Reade may be wiped out of everything except Strawberry-flavored Three Musketeer bars (Ew. And then also Yum. And then back to Ew.) I may think that love is an illusion. And that Valentine’s Day is not actually about love, it’s about out-loving everybody else with the perfection of your relationship’s love. When your relationship probably needs some work, like everybody else’s. But that’s no reason for you to get jacked up by your sweetie for screwing up Valentine’s Day (possibly again?). I’m your poetry pal. And poetry is only useful culturally when you want to get laid or when you have to bury your grandmother. And at the very last minute, when all other options have faded from view. Like a Carnival cruise line boat spinning out of control in the Gulf of Mexico. Don’t let your Valentine’s Day stink of unflushable toilets!
Poems are great Valentine’s Day gifts. Especially when paired with one of the other food groups: Flowers, Chocolates, Diamonds or Money. And poetry goes down a lot easier with a little red wine. When we’re drunk, everything seems deep and meaningful. You could probably write a perfectly good poem of your own, but who’s got the time? There’s less than 12 hours until the least actually romantic and spontaneous day of the year, when we’re all forced to do something semi-public just to try to keep the people we already have in our lives.
Below are four fill-in-the-blank poems suitable for many different relationship stages. Insert yourself and your own Merlot-flowing verse into the provided blanks and present these poems as a token of your love—as least the love you feel today, this moment. Rhyme, don’t rhyme, whatever. As our friend the Poet Laureate of MoMa would probably say, to thief is divine. (Just don’t steal a Jackson Pollock painting, that’s apparently wrong and they get so bent out of shape.) Filling in these poems is like Mad Libs except if you get the poem right you might get to 3rd base. I don’t know what 3rd base is. Dry Humping?
Valentine’s Poem #1: Sexypants
You’re so and so sweet
Your kisses are better than a retweet
I love you as much as Lena Dunham loves
You be Marco Rubio, I’ll be the Poland Spring
Your eyes are like
Your lips are two
Lay me on a bed of
And me up the
It’s Valentine’s Day which makes me feel
Maybe later we can do some dry-humping
It’s nice to be your valentine
Thanks so much for liking me
Getting to with you is so fine
I can’t wait to and then maybe
Valentine’s Poem #2: Classical
But we can also steal from one of the best. Such as, for example, Elizabeth Barrett Browning. This is her most famous poem. And we can take all the death and whatever right out and add in “Downton Abbey” references. Or whatever you might like. Put their name in the title. People like stuff more when they know it’s about them.
How Do I Love ? (Sonnet 43)
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning & you
How do I love ? Let me the ways.
I love to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can , when feeling out of sight
For the ends of and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love the, as men strive for right.
I love thee , as .
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old , and with my childhood’s .
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost . I love with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and ,
I shall but love thee better after .
Valentine’s Poem #3: Mad-Crush Woo Poem
But maybe you’re actually trying to woo someone this holiday. And why not. Like 80% of people on Valentine’s Day, either you are single and will basically fuck anyone or will soon be single because the person who should have given them a great Valentine’s Day are going to totally blow it. Woo away.
I long for you, .
And so I must woo!
You! I would like to woo and woo!
For you I’d gladly
I think you are smart and funny
I’d love to call you honey
You seem like a really good
How can I get you to notice ?
Oh what I’d do for you
and also too
You make my stomach feel woo-sy
Like I’ve eaten a
Tell me you like me, too!
And then we’ll run away to
to watch “Downton Abbey” in the rain
Have lots of kids and drink champagne
Oh you, let’s woo!
And woo and woo and woo.
Doobie doobie doo
And then maybe
Valentine’s Poem #4: Be My Ancient, Resentful Valentine
Or maybe you have been with someone a long time. If so, congrats. Because that is hard work, I hear.
Baby, we’ve been together a long time.
And I still think you’re
You’re always doing cool things to your hair
And sometimes you run around in just underwear
I’m so glad you’ve chosen me
And put up with
I know it’s not always easy
But when we’re together I feel
I promise to always let you win at
And when you feel bad to
I don’t even mind when you voted for Mitt Romney
When it’s me and you we feel like a we
I’m sorry when I too much
And sometimes I’m not enough
On Valentine’s Day I just want to say
I love you in a million totally insane ways
Feel free to work with those lines, make them your own. Make them dirtier. Don’t go all Fifty Shades of Grey or anything, unless you’re pretty sure that’s the way they’re gonna want it to go. Love is supposed to be fun. And getting candy is fun. Flowers are nice but then they die on like February 20th and that’s depressing. Diamonds are forever. Like herpes, except shiny. Happy Valentine’s Day. Write a poem! You still have time to salvage this thing.