Wednesday, January 30th, 2013
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Smart, Sportsy Things For You To Say During Super Bowl XLVII

Sports nerds shouldn't be the only ones who get to say smart-sounding sports stuff during this weekend's big game. So here once again to provide you with some Super Bowl small talk is Jim Behrle, Awl football picks haiku-ist. Just for you, he's assembled these highly proprietary pieces of wisdom gained from a life lived in his mom's basement, playing Madden all day. Enjoy!

PRE-GAME

• "It wouldn't shock me to see deposed quarterback Alex Smith play a key role in the outcome of today's game. Just like when Deep Blue moved its rook all the way down the board against Garry Kasparov in a seemingly random and pointless move, expect the Harbaughs to attempt to outcrazy one another just for the befuddlement factor. Brothers are all about psyching each other out. But like the Williams sisters, they will keep it close. If one of them blows it out, Family Christmases are canceled forever."

• "Why would anyone want to win the coin flip? These days everyone defers. It gives your defense a chance to make a big stop and gain momentum and it gives you the opportunity to come up with a great first drive in the second half with all your adjustments in place. And especially with a longer halftime during the Super Bowl. Score the first drive of the second half and you're cooking with gas."

FIRST QUARTER

• "Everyone seems to think all of the pressure is on Flacco to do something spectacular for the Ravens. But if Bernard Pierce can run for 100 yards and a TD the Ravens will be tough to beat. He and Torrey Smith are all the offense the Ravens need. They take all the pressure off Ray Rice and Joe Flacco. One big strike downfield and lots of little dive plays to keep the clock running."

• "I'd bet this game comes down to a controversial blow to the head. Ed Reed and Bernard Pollard are completely vicious. And there are no one-game-suspensions for hits to the head in the Super Bowl. What, you have to sit out Game1against the Browns next year? That's just more time to polish your ill-gotten Super Bowl Ring."

• "David Akers could cost the Niners a championship. His struggles are in his head. I wouldn't normally recommend icing the quarterback with a timeout. But I would definitely give him the chance to have to think about a big kick in the second half."

SECOND QUARTER

• "This pistol offense of the 49ers is so impressive. This was supposed to be the year of the Two Tight End set. The pistol makes the wildcat look like the flexbone."

• "You have to expect a rookie quarterback to struggle in the Superbowl. It's only natural. Give defensive coordinators two weeks and they'll find a way to make your wife leave you and for your dog to bite your leg off."

• "You'd think the younger brother would want to beat the older brother so badly, the hunger and the pent-up rage would propel his team to victory. But the older brother isn't all that concerned with the little brother. He can approach it dispassionately. That's his edge."

HALFTIME

• "Is there anyone more talented at anything on the Earth than Beyoncé is at entertaining? I don't think so. And I don't even care if she is lip-syncing."

THIRD QUARTER

• "Both of these defenses will tire and give up big plays down the stretch. The question will be, which defense can make the big stop when it's necessary? I can't help but feel that team would be the Ravens. What they did to Tom Brady only his wife Gisele should be legally allowed to do. They can beat Peyton Manning and Tom Brady but not Colin Kaepernick?"

• "I have to think that Jim Harbaugh's fiery nature will be his undoing. He'll either throw a red flag when he can't and get a penalty. Or he'll have an aneurysm on the sideline. His face is a red color only a broken blood vessel could love."

• "Do you think God really communicates with Ray Lewis? Does God speak in a crazy-talk half-Scripture half-penitentiary language that only Ray Lewis can understand?"

FOURTH QUARTER

• "Tight end Dennis Pitta is going to be wide open during an important moment. He's got to make the most of his chances. In the year of the Tight End he might be the last one standing."

• "Frank Gore just quietly goes about his business and is on his way to another monster day. He is one of the most anonymous spectacular players in the NFL. "

• "If the NFL went back to wearing leather helmets you wouldn't see these kind of dangerous leading-with-the-head hits. And if football players didn't all wear helmets we'd recognize and sympathize with them more. If all these baseball players or basketball players were dying in their 40s or committing suicide, America wouldn't stand for it."

• "Do you think Ray Lewis can run for President? He was involved in that murder. But everyone forgave Hillary Clinton for Vince Foster. So maybe?"


Related: How Much More Do Things Cost Today: The Super Bowl Edition


Jim Behrle tweets at @behrle for your possible amusement.

5 Comments / Post A Comment

Overtime?! What about overtime?

Bittersweet (#765)

Perfect. Between this and your Hairpin post yesterday, I'm at a loss to understand why you're single.

rogervargas13 (#241,328)

@Bittersweet i totally agree

bluebears (#5,902)

If anyone I watched football with used the phrase "deposed quarterback" everyone would shun him/her for the remainder of the game.

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