Monday, January 28th, 2013

Enemy Monkey Launched Into Space By Iran

Longtime American enemy Iran made another bold move in its passive-aggressive hostilities toward Washington by … let's see, by reportedly sending a monkey into space. Who would do such a thing, to a monkey?

Press TV, the state-run satellite broadcaster, said the animal was launched in a space capsule code named Pishgam, or Pioneer. The development coincided with continued stalemate in the unrelated Western effort to persuade Iran to abandon its nuclear enrichment program, which Western powers maintain is designed to create nuclear weapons technology—an assertion Iran denies.

So, sending this animal into orbit for a moment "coincided" with the "unrelated" 35-year problems Iran has with its former imperial overlords in Washington. But unlike our former worst enemies, the treacherous Soviets, Iranian scientists claim to have retrieved this abused animal alive after its terrifying adventure 75 miles above Earth. Also, it is sneaky of our worst enemies to use their secret language to call the monkey rocket "Pioneer," which is a patriotic American word from the U.S. space program. Enjoy the monkey's "selfie" on Vine!

8 Comments / Post A Comment

PoignancySelz (#238,693)

I heard they also taught the monkey how to use a boxcutter.

From the looks of this pic, the monkey did not seem to enjoy his trip.

riotnrrd (#840)

@Captain Bringdown That is the saddest picture I've seen all day. But the day's still young.

SkinnyNerd (#224,784)

@Captain Bringdown That looks like the Circumstraint. Was that part of the procedure as well?

Morbo (#1,288)

Upon re-entry, the cosmonaut was hailed as a national hero, becuase after all, this monkey had gone to heaven.

If you launched a monkey into space why would you want it back? They really are crazy over there.

stuffisthings (#1,352)

Two things:

1. I'm pretty sure that rocket is way too small to launch much of anything into space, even a monkey death capsule.

2. This Wikipedia page exists.

BadUncle (#153)

It's one thing to launch a monkey into space. It's quite another to record a song about it. Suck it Iran:

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