Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013
162

We Must Build An Enormous McWorld In Times Square, A Xanadu Representing A McDonald's From Every Nation

Artist's Rendering.

The first time I wrote a letter to the president of McDonald's it was about breakfast. I'm not a huge fan of most of the lunch and dinner options at McDonald's but I love Sausage Egg & Cheese McMuffins and I love hash browns. I have gone into that McDonald's in Union Square right around when they close down breakfast and put in low-ball bids on the whole remaining hash brown rack. "What do you got left hash browns-wise? Ten? Twelve? I'll give you five bucks for the lot." It's a great hangover remedy. Giant Coke, tons of ice, bag of hash browns. Why can't they serve hash browns all day? They come out of the freezer, a McDonald's employee dumps them into a robot, and the robot cooks them, just like the fries, right? So when I suggested they serve breakfast all day, I expected they would do it. What's the big deal? When I wrote to Starbucks to ask them to serve more savory breakfast foods, they did it. (I sent them a link to John Thorne's stone classic "In Defense of the Savory Breakfast."1 It's worth reading just for the bit where Thorne blithely tosses off a delightfully Safirian "Eggs McMuffin" reference, miraculously published before the famous Onion joke.) When I wrote to every other fast food company, they at least would send back some coupons or something. McDonald's just said, "We'll look into it." Here we are, years later, and you still can't get hash browns after breakfast ends.

So that's why I'm taking a different approach with my current McDonald's dream. I figure if a bunch of nerds on Facebook can get Betty White onto "Saturday Night Live," together we can make my McDream a McReality. I would like to introduce you to a concept I call "McWorld."

The details of how I imagine McWorld have changed over the years, but there are a few constants:

• McWorld is a giant McDonald's flagship store.

• McWorld serves food from all the different McDonald's menus from around the world.

• McWorld is located in Times Square.2

Sometimes, I see it like Epcot Center: there'd be a central courtyard, maybe a water feature (McOcean or something), and surrounding it would be a variety of pavilions, each replicating the McDonald's experience from a different country. Pop over to Taiwan for a McRice burger (the rice, oddly, is formed into cakes that replace the buns, not the fillings), back to Brazil for a side of nachos, and wash it all down with a frosty cane-sugar Coke from Mexico.

The way I've been thinking about it lately, though, is that it's split into two or three different levels.

The central attraction of the ground floor level is a huge mega-menu that lists every item from every McDonald's in the world, because this McDonald's serves ALL of them. There would probably have to be touch screen gadgets to help you navigate the menu. There would have to be whole screens just dedicated to the soda possibilities. A concierge would offer suggestions. Celebrities on the iPad menus would have their own "meals" combining favorites from home ("Manu Ginóbili says 'Try the medialunas!'") with different stuff for a unique combination ONLY available at McWorld. You could get the India-specific Chicken Mexican Wrap (“A traditional Mexican soft flat bread that envelops crispy golden brown chicken encrusted with a Mexican Cajun coating, and a salad mix of iceberg lettuce, carrot, red cabbage and celery, served with eggless mayonnaise, tangy Mexican Salsa sauce and cheddar cheese.” Wherever possible, the menu items' descriptions should reflect local English style). Maybe a bowl of Malaysian McDonald's Chicken Porridge or The McArabia Grilled Kofta, available in Pakistan and parts of the Middle East. You should watch this McArabia ad for the Middle Eastern-flavored remix of the "I'm Lovin' It" song if for nothing else.

The Chicken Mexican Wrap is an example of my favorite type of McDonald's menu item: it is only available in a country that is not the USA, and invokes an additional foreign place in its name. The double indirection is great in the same way round-trip machine translations or ordering Japanese spaghetti at those places on St. Mark's is great. In Germany, McDonald's sold a "Honolulu Chicken Sandwich" (with "Maui Cheese Potatoes"). Finland has a salsa-topped burger called El Maco.

Similarly, McDonald's has offered a "Big Xtra Brazil" burger in Germany, and, in Europe, a "Grilled Texas Bagel." (Texas. Bagel. That's like… the part in Sneakers when Ben Kingsley is like A COMPUTER MATCHED YOU, TYPICAL STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY CHARACTER, WITH YOU, LADY CHARACTER WHOSE NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER, BUT OBVIOUSLY NO COMPUTER WOULD SET YOU UP ON A DATE WITH STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY, except I'm Ben Kingsley and the German McDonald's is that lady and she's trying to convince us she knows anything about America. Also the Texas Bagel comes with Broccoli Cheese nuggets.)

In Japan they have a whole menu of "Big America" burgers and they're for a limited time only. One year you get the Miami Burger, which has tortilla chips on it for some reason, the next, the Beverly Hills Burger, topped with an equally mysterious Caesar dressing and egg. The Idaho Burger had a HASH BROWN on top, but that one makes some sense to me (and it sounds awesome).

Spam and eggs from Hawaii, lobster rolls (that's The McHomard in Montreal!) and blueberry shakes from Maine. Montreal also has poutine. (Poutine with McDonald's FRIES?!!? THAT IS PROBABLY CRAZY!!!) I could go on and on about the mega menu. I could explain how it will look like the fast food place in Cloud Atlas the movie except grander. But you can imagine all that. You got the basic idea. You would just gaze upon the Big Menu for hours. The Wasabi Filet O'Fish. The Pizza McPuff. The McSatay. The Cypriot Shrimp Burger. The Croque McDo.

Artist's Rendering.

So let me bring you to the second floor, the grand pavilion. This is a complete McDonald's with a twist: every month or quarter or so, it is redesigned to provide the exact experience of dining in a different country's McDonald's. Did you know in some places, like including Paris and New York, McDonald's has experimented with table service? McDonald's in Germany serves beer but charges for condiment packets? Best of all, McDonald's in Hong Kong HAS WEDDINGS. ("The package includes a budget version of the usual trappings: a 'cake' made of stacked apple pies….") To ensure that the experience is exact, crews will have to be imported from local staff. Like, if you work at a bustling McCafé in Argentina, and you are the best, you might one day get called up for the big trip to New York, where you will stay in the McDorms, have a musical montage, and so on, all to make sure details like handing back the credit card with two hands in the Korean McDonald's get taken care of.3 Maybe sometimes it would also shift not just in space but in time. We could see what a typical McDonald's of 1970s Idaho was like. With actors dressed up and stuff. There would be segregation. Happy Meal toys based on racist cartoon characters. School kids would take trips there to learn Important Lessons.

Everyone talks about how globalization "McDonalds-izes" the world, but the funny thing about a place like New York is that you can get basically every kind of food *except* whatever they serve at the foreign outposts of our proud American chains. I would say I know more people who have had a lamb face salad from the Xi'an Famous Foods in the Golden Mall in Flushing than have had the poutine from the Montreal McDonalds, never mind something you really have to travel for, like a Chicken Maharaja Mac. Frequently, when I travel outside of the USA, my trips to the local McDonald's are the most genuinely foreign-feeling and disorienting part of the trip. I went to Paris last year. There are probably ten restaurants within walking distance of my old Williamsburg apartment that are varyingly obsessive imitations of Parisian bistros, Parisian bars, Parisian brasseries. If they were hung in museums, the wall texts next to them would say "School of Keith McNally." But there is not a single place in New York that serves a Croque McDo.

As I've thought about this more, I've started to consider that maybe we would have to cast actors to play customers as well. So like if you are in the Times Square representation of the Riyadh McDonald's, there are men trying to send pics to your phone via Bluetooth. Or if it's Singapore, loads of kids just have homework spread all over the place. In some countries where American stuff maintains its post-WWII aspirational branding, people go on fancy dates to McDonald's. Maybe when you went into the Hong Kong McDonald's, there would be actors staging a wedding at which you could be a guest: a happy couple, some parents, a drunk cousin or two.

I have a few less-practical dreams for McWorld. One is that there would be discontinued menu items available, like the McLean Deluxe, even though everyone says it was horrible. It's culturally significant. I am positive there was a commercial for the McLean Deluxe in around 1991 that went "The new McLean Deluxe: 100% DEF! ON TASTE!" and I maintain that this is what ultimately led to the famous Al Sharpton-led "Funeral For the Word Def" organized by Rick Rubin in 1993, but I can find no trace of this on the internet so it may have been a fever dream. It was, however, the official sandwich of the NBA.

The most important one of these call-back menu items would be Old School Fries, from before they switched from beef tallow to vegetable oil for frying. Everybody says those were insane. I mean, I must have had them when I was little but I don't remember.

My second impractical dream is for a special third floor "McDonald's Labs" experience. This wouldn't look like the rest of the store, or like a lab. It would probably be like…some insane beyond-Cloud-Atlas-The-Movie meets Gaultier-for-Luc Besson type thing. There are two thoughts behind this part: First, everyone who's ever worked in any kind of a restaurant that doesn't do proper family meals gets insanely sick of all the food on the menu, even when it's awesome, right? I came across this LiveJournal thread about what people who work at McDonald's cook for themselves for snacks and it is crazy. They're in a McDonald's. They only have a few minutes. They can't really cook, but they can heat stuff up certain ways, and blend it, and they have access to this weird mix of hyper-processed foods. They are so creative! It's like reading about the stuff people make in prison: "Scramble eggs in a 16oz cold cup with a fork." "Grill it under the 4:1 clamshell." Oreo shakes; Barbecue Tortilla Pizza; Chicken Caesar Wraps.

How much difference really is there between McDonald's super-processed food and molecular gastronomy? I used to know this guy who was a great chef, like his restaurant was in the Relais & Châteaux association and everything, and he'd always talk about how there were intense flavors in McDonald's food that he didn't know how to make. I've often thought that a lot of what makes crazy restaurant food taste crazy is the solemn appreciation you lend to it. If you put a Cheeto on a big white plate in a formal restaurant and serve it with chopsticks and say something like "It is a cornmeal quenelle, extruded at a high speed, and so the extrusion heats the cornmeal 'polenta' and flash-cooks it, trapping air and giving it a crispy texture with a striking lightness. It is then dusted with an 'umami powder' glutamate and evaporated-dairy-solids blend." People would go just nuts for that. I mean even a Coca-Cola is a pretty crazy taste.

So in this Labs area, McD's would invite like Ferran Adrià's brother to come cook food out of chicken nuggets sauce and whatnot. AND his staff of prep cooks would be like, the dudes from a regular McDonald's who invented the best off-menu snacks to eat. And they'd use them as starting points. Plus it would be hilarious to hear all the New Yorkers clamoring for tickets to the limited run of Andrew Carmellini at McDonald's Labs, it would be like how everyone lines up for Proenza Schouler for Target or whatever.

One time I met this crazy nut outside of a bar downtown who told me about his dream to flood the Lower East Side. This was years ago, before the Lower East Side had been flooded in living memory. He was gesturing up Orchard Street being like, "Picture this, water up to the second floor, there'd be an outside garden. Lettuce, onions, tomatoes, fucking SALAD FOR MILES!" My friends still say that every once in a while: "fucking SALAD FOR MILES!" I loved this dude and was really enjoying imagining all these punts and junks navigating Alphabet City or whatever but then he looked at me quite seriously and said, "Do you really like this idea? For serious? I've got a space up the street. We could go work on some posters or something." He kneaded his hands, looked down at his shoes. He felt genuinely rejected when I said no and went into a bar, but that's also what made me realize he was mental, not just someone who was good at imagining stuff.

I'm starting to feel like that guy here. Or at least I'm feeling aware of it. BUT STILL! SOCIAL MEDIA! CROWDSOURCING! THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE! Let's get McDonald's to do this! What? You want some overwrought metaphor action here? Okay: McDonald's is like America, and like America, it's been having a rough couple years, self-esteem-wise, PR-wise and even money-wise. Sure, it could try to be more like Starbucks with its new coffee push, or it could go more healthy, since it seems that's what people want now. But that's never going to work, just like America is never going to be a Scandinavian country or… whatever Randian hellhole the conservatives dream of (Somalia?). It's time for McDonald's to BOLDLY embrace the BEST PARTS of its McDonaldsness. For itself, for its fans, and for its country! [wild applause].




Jeb Boniakowski lives in Portland, Oregon. His twitter name is @jeb.
1 Yes, I know they didn't do it because of me, but it was amazing when I got an email back from the Starbucks guy being like, "Okay, we're rolling them out in New York next month. Please send me your address so I can send you some coupons." Then he apologized for the delay and explained that he was at a family wedding. I felt like a sultan's son.

2 ↬ Finn Smith for this bit and really just generally.

3 ↬ Max Read for thinking of that part. The cultural customs immersion alone would make McWorld worth a visit!






Related: A Conspiracy of Hogs: The McRib as Arbitrage


159 Comments / Post A Comment

saythatscool (#101)

McDonald's: making the world wide worldwide.

Is that Pitbull checking out the kofta?

steve.kupf (#2,033)

I am completely sold on this. Where's the petition?

HereKitty (#2,713)

Needs more tags.

Are you sure today isn't MLK day? Because I have seen the Promised Land!

wb (#2,214)

The last McDonald's I ate at, nearly ten years ago, was in Delhi. I had a aloo tiki-style potato burger, and it was delicious.

Nghitti (#241,063)

Just for the record, I'm Brazilian and we don't eat nachos. Thank you for your lack of culture.

JebBoniakowski (#241,064)

@Nghitti Just for the record, I have eaten nachos at the McDonald's at the São Paulo airport.

Dave Bry (#422)

@JebBoniakowski But still, seriously, Jeb, thank you for lack of culture. This is a GREAT idea!

São Paulo is in Brazil?!?!?!?

jfruh (#713)

The very first meal I ever ate outside North America was at a McDonald's in Heathrow. The mayonnaise in their packets had little chopped up pickles in it. Pickles! I shudder in horror to this day.

Julnyes (#232,305)

@jfruh so it was basically tartar sauce?

Max Clarke (#3,635)

Anyone ever been to the Coca-Cola Museum in Atlanta? They had (when I was there in the '90s, at least) an area where you could sample all kinds of weird soft drinks that the Coca-Cola Co. bottles and sells in other countries. Some were delicious, some were vile, some were just head-scratchers. Anyway, it was the highlight of the place, which was otherwise just a bunch of advertising paraphernalia.

mannequinhands (#169,027)

@Max Clarke They do this at the Coca-Cola "museum" in Las Vegas also. Definitely the best part of the tour.

Yes, and here's a tip: avoid the Lychee Mello.

@Max Clarke YEs, the World of Coke is epic. They actually revamped it in 2009 but kept the famed tasting part of the tour, which is still the best part. I grew up in Atlanta and went to school a few blocks from the museum and it was a tradition in college to go on the tour and then see how many combinations of weird foreign Coke's we could create before hitting the bars for our sorority meetings.

Gross! I mean – even among fast food its just the absolute *worst*. Why on Earth would you wanna do something like this? And no dude.. If you put a cheeto on a plate and served it in a high end restaurant, people would *not* 'go nuts' for that despite your 'one time I met..' story.. McDonalds food doesnt even *have* a taste! OMG its just salt and fat are you insane?!?

SkinnyNerd (#224,784)

@Thomas Ledbetter@facebook: Why on Earth would you wanna do something like this?
Because he lives in Portland?

This might be the greatest Facebook comment of all time. The Xanadu of Facebook comments, if you will.

Worth noting, there is a McD's in Japan that is currently doing breakfast 24/7.
http://kotaku.com/5976986/in-japan-this-mcdonalds-is-serving-breakfast-24-hours-a-day

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@Aaron Rutledge@twitter: Nice try, creepy Burger King.

Joe MacLeod (#22)

Also: Howabout a hotel built-in, so you can get McDonalds room service from somebody dressed as McRonald.

Rod T (#33)

Yes, but let's open it in Portland. They need jobs there.

Abe Sauer (#148)

As someone who once collected McD place mats from around the world, this is a great concept as long as everyone is willing to pay $9 for the El Maco, owing to the massive loss of efficiencies that drive McDonald's. Anyway, I think the closest thing to this is probably one of the locations in Kowloon's Tsim Sha Tsui. They have everything from egg drop soup to the classic hash browns and sausage Mcmuffins

How high were you when you conceived this post? Not that there's anything wrong with this post or being high, but really. A giant McDonald's that sells every bizarre local menu item from around the world is a stoner dream. A perfect, delightful, tasty, warm… dammit.

Thing One (#32,363)

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! I wrote McDonald's a letter demanding a "World McDonalds" (I did not think of McWorld, which is so much better) after having the Maharajah Mac in India (spinach version). I may have even called, as I remember being told by someone official that they do not take ideas from outside the company, but whatever demand has clearly reached critical mass and they need to make it happen! What are you waiting for McDonald's! Give us the McWorld! And while you are at it the old apple pies, the new ones are gross

goodiesfirst (#3,448)

The only problem I have with this premise is limiting it to McDonald's. Times Square should also be home to KFC's green chicken curry, Dairy Queen mango sticky rice sundaes, Taco Bell potato and paneer burritos, Starbucks lamingtons, Pizza Hut's multiple cheese-stuffed Asia and Middle East exclusives, and obviously, a pork-and-alcohol-free Cheesecake Factory.

This kills. i crack!

gregorg (#30)

I am posting from the poached wifi in a mcD parking lot in McLean (I know!) VA to voice my full support. I'm sick of having to travel to Germany to get old school fried pies. on our trip last month through Frankfurt, they had blueberry and custard instead of apple.

This is actually a great idea, at some level or another. After all, "The World of Coke" is almost entirely based around drinking Coke products from around the world, and it gets huge attendance, so perhaps Coke would go in with McD's on McWorld.

Waiting for my Hawaiian McDonald's saimin ramen soup. And Maine Lobster Rolls. And Cincinatti chili. And the South's extended McRib offerings. And…

There's a joke here involving Benjamin R. Barber and some halal food carts…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jihad_vs._McWorld

Barry Grant (#239,287)

This is the most interesting article I've ever seen on The Awl.

Give this guy a job and cut out those stupid weather reports. Who cares?

chuck chun@twitter (#241,113)

I was hoping that at the beginning and/or end of the article there would be some sort of facebook petition to make this dream a reality.

I'm in love with this. I also want Pizza Hut to do something similar for all their awesome (but unavailable in the US, fuckers) weird pizzas. I still dream of that hot dog pizza from the UK.

But seriously, McWorld would be epic. I would proudly go regularly. In fact, despite the cold weather outside, I'm going to go to McDonald's in Union Square right now. Thank you!

sunfly (#241,116)

I don't like McDonald's. We refer to it as "The place that shall not be named" to avoid alerting our kids of its immediate proximity. I would drive out of my way to eat at McWorld though!

Let me get this straight, it sells all the different items that are sold in McDonalds outlets around the world. So let's see….Big Macs…fries…um…help me out here…shakes? I see a flaw in your plan.

But don't be disheartened – look on the bright side. Your McWorld stores already exist. In every damned McDonalds store, everywhere.

Jason Joo@twitter (#241,122)

@James White@facebook I'm guessing you're not aware of what McDonald's in other countries sell? They do offer some different things; even within the United States, there are regional menu items that aren't available elsewhere.

@James White@facebook did you even read the article? Jay made specific notes of which items were available in some McDonald's and not others.

Michael Schiavo (#3,967)

"They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?"

ArkhamNative (#241,132)

As much as I enjoy the thought of beer being sold at a McDonald's in the US, like in Paris and elsewhere, I can't imagine enjoying ordering much else on the menu, nor traveling a thousand miles to do so.

Otherwise, it's an interesting idea, though Las Vegas seems a more likely location.

ianmac47 (#218,037)

Cool story, bro.

So I guess you are really into Gothamist comments.

You know, since I said this here.

Zach neal@twitter (#241,158)

@ianmac47 Lol, at least give the dude a byline.

Trashy McJunkbox (#241,674)

here's a piece of good, hard evidence to help you build your case to the brain-trust in oak brook:

coca-cola does something similar to this at their "world of coke" in atlanta, and it's very successful. you know those soda fountain stations at 7-11? imagine if those fountains were wrapped around a circular kiosk with about about 12 different choices. now imagine there are 5 of those kiosks, one representing each continent, and the choices of drinks represent the unique/bizarre beverages that coke sells ONLY in those continents and cultures. there are some really bitter soda drinks from strange roots in africa, and there is a seemingly fermented pop beverage from the european group that is so pungent and foul it defies human consumption. there are also some amazing, fruity, super-refreshing and all-out weird options too. it's at the very end of the museum experience, the last stop before the gift shop. to add to the theater, it's in a room with a huge glass wall, behind which is a mini bottling plant making cokes in those classic little 8 oz.glass bottles. as you leave, every gets one bottle off the assembly line as a souvenir. the whole this is beyond awesome, especially if you see junk food as it's own weird art form, like i do. i highly recommend a trip down there to see it. it might help inspire you, and help you build your case. if coke can make it work in ATLANTA, imagine what you could do in manhattan.

we must have been separated at birth because i have these sort of grandiose, pop culture fusion dreams like "mcworld" all the time. good to know i'm not the only one who wastes brain cells with this stuff. mcd's used to be a client of mine, so i know a little about how they think. also helped budweiser design their brewery tour experience (which is will be awesome when they finish it) so if i can do anything to help make this dream a reality, let me know. for real.

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