Wednesday, January 16th, 2013

Dunkin' Donuts Finally Bringing Its Glamor To Southern California Strip Malls

Do not tell anyone, but the author of this post is drinking Dunkin' Donuts coffee RIGHT NOW, because it was on sale at Vons grocery.
In all the pretend cultural battles between the East Coast and the West Coast, Dunkin' Donuts occupies a special spot. Eastern Seaboard people are constantly in the Dunkin' Donuts shops, eating bizarre lard-based concoctions such as the beloved "New Hampshire Turkey Snausage Cheese-Steak On a Heat-Pressed Chocolate-glazed White-Bread Sodium Bagel." It's the kind of food that makes Taco Bell look healthy in comparison. It's food for cops and the huge bellies they've earned from 25 years on the beat, taking crap from you people who don't show no respect for nothin', and eating in their patrol cars while listening to classic rock.

You know about the "airport beauty test," right? Fly to an American city and review the first 25 people you see. In Los Angeles, you see mostly attractive people of mostly indiscernible race. They wear yoga pants and sleek athletic shoes and periodically break into Vietnamese or Armenian or Farsi. They carry to-go Bento boxes of lobster taquitos aboard their flights to Vancouver or Oakland.

And then you get to JFK or Newark Airport, and there are Dunkin' Donuts kiosks with lines of people who just got off airplanes, and they're actually blocking the doors to get outside. They are so close to home, or at least an hour or two of transportation to home, and yet they stop to get a cup of this weak-ass coffee and a fried dough ball trucked in from a factory in Trenton or something, god knows.

This is the East Coast glamor the West Coast doesn't want. But it's coming: Dunkin' Donuts will open storefronts throughout Southern California this year, and they'll probably be concentrated in the existing fast-food slob zones of the Inland Empire (Riverside and San Bernardino) and the feeding stations that surround the region's larger freeway interchanges.

But here is a secret you won't learn about from the Lame Stream Media: There's already a Dunkin' Donuts in SoCal. It's on the Marine base, at Camp Pendleton. And as long as you don't "look terrorist," you can drive onto the base today—with proper license and insurance and registration—between San Diego and Los Angeles, and begin the hard work of completely clogging up your remaining functional arterial passages.

Photo by David Friedel.

14 Comments / Post A Comment

bassknives (#2,903)

They sent 7-11s, we sent Dunkin Donuts.

Only the dead have seen the end of High Fructose Corn Syrup.

Matt (#26)

Could feed my Southern Face with some Dunkin' right now, thank you!

laurel (#4,035)

I <3 pink and orange together.

I am totally fine with this, if only because it's an incremental step toward Waffle House finally busting through into New England.

Bursting is inevitable.

jfruh (#713)

True story 1: A couple of years ago I went into a Dunkin Donuts in Glouchester, Mass, and the counter guy's NE accent was so thick that I literally could not understand what he was saying. I'm pretty sure it's the most authentic cultural experience I've had to date.

True story 2: A few years ago I was in LAX and the very first person I saw getting off the plane was a woman with tightest facelift and largest fake boobs I had ever seen in my life.

NeenerNeener (#188,596)

Did he tell you you were in Glostah?
(It's spelled "Gloucester" and a common mistake is to pronounce it the way you spelled it, or as "Glosester")

jfruh (#713)

@NeenerNeener Sorry for the misspelling, but I do know how to pronounce it, honest! Anyway, I believe what he told me was "Waaanh fwaaa faaaannh fwaaaaaa."

@jfruh : I'd like to think you got the full Stephen-Macht-in-Graveyard-Shift NE accent. "Yeh cahn't trust ah driftah!"

@NeenerNeener So there is this show on NGC or the Discovery Channel (or something like that, I forget which) about tuna fishing, and it's narrated by the same guy who does Deadliest Catch, and in the opening credits narration, he calls it "Glow*-ster" (*rhymes with "Mao"), and it grates of my ears like I can't even tell you. It's just baffling – your entire show is about these guys, and you couldn't even bother to ask them how to pronounce the place where they live?

I would trade all the Starbucks in Southern California for Dunkin' Donuts.

hershmire (#233,671)

Dunkin' Donuts soon shall be
A slow and painful death for me.
Lard-fried dough is not enough.
Fill it with the creamy stuff!

Sugar, bacon, who knows what?
Mold it into a donut!
To oft I ate the treats they sent.
(I now require a large heart stent.)

rich bachelor (#8,586)

My confusion about this post is this: Dunkin' Donuts already has many stores on the west coast, and has for decades. So much so that they've already gone through a boom-and-bust, particularly when the equally-overhyped Krispy Kreme finally made it here: lots of Dunkin' franchises became locally owned businesses. And now that we've also noticed that Krispy Kreme is still just a damn doughnut (except when served warm), Dunkin' Donuts is even buying advertising time out here again. Far as I know, they never entirely went away, though.

deepomega (#1,720)

Complete lunacy. The donut culture on the west coast – and in LA particularly – is so robust that I cannot imagine anyone who isn't served by it already.

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